All Chuck Norris Facts

21 December 2012 was to be the day the Mayans predicted somebody would tell Chuck Norris that he's not so cool after all.

On May 3, 1999, Chuck Norris was looking on a map for the quickest route to Oklahoma City and drew a path across Moore, OK with his finger. Moore was destroyed. He did it again on May 20, 2013.

Chuck Norris is the reason Jehovah needed a witness.

Chuck Norris can achieve full bone in under four seconds.

Chuck Norris played Doom in the Nightmare level, without being hit. All of them.

Today is Chuck Norris' Yesterday

Chuck Norris started shaving at six months

A Chuck Norris stare can turn a Swan into an ugly duckling.

For the 37th straight year, Chuck Norris has won the Iditarod sled race in Alaska while pulling his sled loaded with 12 dogs, 500 lbs of supplies and while towing a dead elephant and a Budweiser semi tractor trailer loaded with beer.

What's the difference between Santa Claus and Chuck Norris's tears? More people believe in Santa Claus.

Chuck Norris doesn't think-HE KNOWS.

Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car accident....and still managed to walk it off

Chuck Norris gets 10 hours of sleep every night between midnight and 4 a.m.

Chuck Norris is responsible for the dark matter of the universe. It is made up of the atoms of everything he's killed or destroyed.

Freddy Kruger is afraid to dream because that is when Chuck Norris will kill him.

Chuck Norris was aboard the Costa Concordia. When it sank, Chuck Norris inflated his beard and swam away with 427 grateful passengers.

Chuck Norris is the greatest golfer in the world. He once made a hole in zero.

Chuck Norris once punched a man in the face so hard that the man's eyeballs protruded from his asshole. This malady was diagnosed by emergency room personnel as a new medical condition known as 'Optical Rectumitis'.

Babies cry when they are born because they know they are in a world with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a man so hard, he turned into a gorilla!

A guy at the grocery store told Chuck Norris "I think I may just cut in front of you in this line". Chuck told him "I think I may just punch your nose out the back of your skull'.

Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider and became Spider-Man. Clark Kent was bitten by Chuck Norris and became Superman. So every time Clark Kent wants to become Superman, he just go to the phone booth and beg Chuck Norris to bite him.

Flash the superhero tried running from Chuck Norris.....he didnt get far

There is no such thing as a Chuck Norris joke, only facts.

When Chuck Norris leads a horse to water, it drinks.

Chuck Norris was stranded on an island and survived by eating fish hooks. Chuck told his rescuer "they weren't very tasty but they filled me up".

Local mountain lions have been complaining about the recent string of Chuck Norris attacks.

Chuck Norris is so cool, ice cubes want to be exactly like him.

It wasn't the North Star the Three Wise Men were following it was Chuck Norris' aura.

You hear of whales beaching themselves, you just know Chuck Norris is fuckin' shit up under the sea.

Leonardo Dicaprio has recurring dreams where Chuck Norris pummels the shit outta him after folding the city in half. Then he wakes up in terror, covered in sweat and with a beard rash on the back of his neck.

Superman has a Chuck Norris tattoo.

Charlie Sheen is Chuck Norris' lovechild.

Chuck Norris was asked his opinion of the Democratic and Republican presidential candidates. Chuck said all of them are about as useless as zombie puke.

The song "Final Countdown" is about a man's last second after being roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff. And he shot the deputy.

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about.

Chuck Norris took Amy Winehouse to rehab

Chuck Norris is the man that shot Liberty Valance and JR

Chuck Norris is actually a sensitive, caring lover... because he knows that if he doesn't kill you immediately after, you will be in constant agony knowing you will NEVER have it better.

Long ago, Jesus turned water into wine, but then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

Chuck Norris uses Wikileaks as a Recycle bin

Chuck Norris was the only person to ever shoot at Wyatt Earp and not miss. Many Bothans died to bring you this information.

Chuck Norris can sent packages through email

Someone once told Chuck Norris his hair looked good. He roundhouse kicked him in the face and told him that he made the hair look good.

Chuck Norris can kill you fifteen times before you even realize you crossed his property line.

Death died of Chuck Norris causes.

Crack gets high off of Chuck Norris.

I know where Chuck Norris is. Chuck Norris knows where I live too, WERE EVEN!

Chuck Norris can kill a werewolf with a wooden stake, a vampire with a silver bullet, and anything with a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris regularly beats buskers to death with their own guitars.

Chuck Norris once needed hemorrhoid surgery. After breaking 2 sets of bolt cutters and a chainsaw, doctors had to deploy 2 bunker blaster bombs and an acetylene torch to adequately complete the surgery.

They say laughter is the greatest medicine i disagree Chuck Norris is

Chuck Norris does not dodge bullets, bullets dodge Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris' nut is macadamia flavored.

Chuck Norris is Hugh Hefner's landlord. And he conducts random inspections.

Chuck Norris made his first kill when he was 30 seconds old. The victim, the doctor that spanked his ass. He took his umbilical cord and choked him out.

The F1 button on Chuck Norris' computer works.

Chuck Norris once hijacked a frieght train and drove it to a Home Depot.

Particle physicists have finally developed a new atom smasher. It is called Chuck Norris's fist.

Ripley ALWAYS believed Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris enjoys some spare time from kicking ass he sits in his tool shed whacking off.

Chuck Norris can take a shower in his closet

God breathed life into Adam. Chuck Norris sneezed life into God.

The only way that Chuck Norris can get high is via Jack Daniels I.V. push TKO.

Chuck Norris onced built a 4 story condo using only a loaf of bread, shoe string, and silly putty.

Cockroaches won't be the sole survivors of nuclear Armageddon...Chuck Norris' beard lice will

If you look closely at the bottom of the XX Beer commercials, you can read the fine print that states they're actually featuring the SECOND Most Interesting Man in the World after Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris ate Hannibal Lecter`s liver. With some fava beans, and a nice keg of beer.

Shit got the Chuck Norris scared out of it..;)

Chuck Norris once rolled a 13 at the craps table.

Chuck Norris once had an alcohol abuse problem. He entered a rehab center and completed the 12 step recovery program in a 1/2 step.

Chuck Norris was supposed to star in the TV show 'Man vs Wild', but the network did not want kids thinking 'lava is safe to eat'.

Men fear the Grim Reaper. The Grim Reaper fears Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can leave after checking out of The Hotel California.

The only reason Usain Bolt is officially the fastest man is because no one has bothered to clock people who run from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once 'competed' in the World Ultra Heavyweight Boxing Championship. There were no survivors in the stadium. And the tournament.

Chuck Norris uses epoxy resin instead of KY jelly.

Once, when crossing a RR track while riding his horse, Chuck Norris was struck by an Amtrak train. He was the only survivor.

Chuck Norris knew where the stolen Death Star plans were.(and he also knew where that shuttle was going.)

Chuck Norris doesn't cry over spilled milk, because it was his roundhouse kick that split the cow in half.

Yesterday Chuck Norris went skydiving and his parachute didn't open. He returned the faulty parachute today and got a full refund on it.

Chuck Norris once shot a man, but without a gun.

Ladies put the toilet seat back up for Chuck Norris.

when Chuck Norris went on to Catch a Predator Chis Hansen was arrested.

Chuck Norris can disembowel a sandstorm with a roundhouse kick.

For Thanksgiving, Chuck Norris roasts his turkey by opening up a small portal to hell.

Only a very few people are capable of water skiing on thier barefeet. Chuck Norris can water ski on his bare face.

Chuck Norris always cut his birthday cake with a chainsaw.

Chuck Norris has a deal: no paparazzi ever take pictures of him or follow him, and he won't murder that TMZ guy with his own big coffee mug.

it was once thought that Chuck Norris never lies, until he said that Chuck Norris facts arent actually true

Chuck Norris can make a message in Cheerios, without using the letter "O."

CHUCK NORRIS once performed a heart transplant BLINDFOLDED

Some people like to eat frog legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizards; hence snakes.

Air cannot be seen because it is hiding from Chuck Norris.

Autumns occur when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks every tree in existence.

Rock band Kiss wrote the song 'King of the Night Time World' about Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can knock that chip off your shoulder, dip it salsa and eat it.

A crocodile attacked Chuck Norris while he swam in a Florida river. The same croc was seen at a local veterinarians office the next day attempting to get a set of teeth to replace his, as they were all missing.

Apparently, Chuck Norris was on vacation when Bush was elected president of the United States.