All Chuck Norris Facts

Never brag to Chuck Norris that you have the latest smart phone, he will roundhouse kick you in the face and tell you "there is no app for that"

Chuck Norris can climb Everest from top to bottom.

As an acne-encrusted teenager, Chuck Norris would kill any threat by pointing a blackhead at his quarry and squeezing.

Chuck Norris once had a staring contest with Rambo, that is why Sylvester Stallone looks mildly retarded

Chuck Norris knows the last number in Pie

Chuck Norris. A man whose face alone is terrifying enough to make your chest hair commit suicide.

Chuck Norris doesnt flush his toilet, he scares the shit out of it.

Real SAT Question: 195. Krypotnite is to Superman as _______ is to Chuck Norris. Answer: Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once killed a man by throwing a suggestion at him!

Chuck Norris is the 'n' in 'nth degree'.

After Chuck Norris uses his beard to unscramble eggs, it's impossible for anybody other than Chuck Norris to scramble them again.

Chuck Norris has never struck out in Baseball. He simply stares at the ball, and it gets out of his way.

The One ring from LOTR is an undigested cheerio that Chuck Norris had for breakfast.

The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot.

Chuck Norris can make pigs fly......and tap dance on clouds

When Chuck Norris kicks air, someone still gets hurt.

Chuck Norris is so awesome when he touches your house it burns down.

The stock market monitors Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can drink you under the table. He will then smash the table over your head.

Gold is worth its weight in Chuck Norris

If you seriously start thinking about how awesome it must be to be Chuck Norris, you will burst into flames.

Some kid:CHUCK NORRIS SUCKS!!! *Knock Knock* kids dad: Hang on someones at the door *opens door* Chuck Norris.

If you EVER ask for medium-rare in Chuck Norrs' presence, Chuck Norris will go raw on you.

Chuck Norris keeps orphanages in buisness

Jesus can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.

Chuck Norris once clogged a city's main sewage line, after dropping a colossal deuce.

Chuck Norris doesn't drink often. But when he does, he prefers to kick 'the most interesting man in the word' in the ass & take his Dos Equis.

Elmo was originally blue and had a deep voice. Then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him 4 times. The last kick changed his voice.

Believe it or not, CHUCK NORRIS IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU!

Anything Chuck Norris could do, The Great and Powerful Trixie can do better!

Chuck Norris knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop.

Chuck Norris' Doctor is in the hospital. Things went downhill fast when he explained to Chuck what he was gonna do in order to conduct a prostate exam.

Chuck Norris once threw a knife into Heaven.

The universe is always expanding- all of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris eats Spicy Chicken Crunchwraps, made with live chickens.

Chuck Norris extracts snot from his nose with a toilet bowl plunger.

If you ever catch your kid watching a Chuck Norris movie, check him the next day for beard stubble.

As Chuck Norris' biggest fan once put it, "There's a certain poetic quality to my killing sprees."

I KILLED CHUCK NORRIS! lol just kidding, Chuck Norris killed me.

Chuck Norris uses a Glock as a PEZ dispenser.

Chuck Norris can hit a giant meteor 1000 times bigger than jupiter out of the Universe with a toothpick.

To fulfill his daily requirement of dietary fiber, Chuck Norris starts his mornings off with a big bowl of rusty fish hooks.

Time waits for no one, except for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris likes to force-feed Navy SEALs fish.

Chuck Norris and Rick Perry were driving through Texas on a beer dinking binge. And Rick Perry threw a lit cigarette butt out the window.

In WWII, the U.S. Army wanted to name their tank the Chuck Norris Tank. Chuck said it was not badass enough to be named after him. We know it now as the Sherman Tank.

Chuck Norris created the All-Spark.

MUGEN's several depictions of Chuck Norris are actually based on strands of Chuck Norris's beard.

Chuck Norris uses barbwire as dental floss.

Once, while driving his Hummer on the way to KFC, Chuck Norris ran a stop sign...up Steven Seagal's ass.

Chuck Norris can fly upside down in a jet pack.

Chuck Norris does not face the music. The music faces Chuck Norris!

Chuck Norris gave Dr. House that limp. Needless to say, he was extremely lucky.

The big bang theory: Chuck Norris winning a arm wrestle with godd

Chuck Norris had to take over on the 7th day of creating whilst God was resting.

Chuck Norris makes Saudia Arabia sell him gasoline for 3 cents per gallon. Then at the end of each month they rebate him at the rate of $100 per gallon purchased.

When biologists sequenced Chuck Norris's DNA, the only letters found were F and U.

Brain dead zombies are smart enough to stay the hell away from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris performs colonoscopies on himself.

Jesus wears a bracelet that says wwcnd (what would Chuck Norris do?)

Chuck Norris can drink his cigarettes and smoke his beer.

Chuck Norris's pet Hamster has a ferris wheel.

Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked the man who shot Liberty Vallance.

Chuckeroo = Chuck Norris spam.

When Chuck Norris goes out to eat, he orders Valadi Roast, but he only eats its dampers.

A kid once had test. Not knowing what to do, the kid wrote "Chuck Norris" for every answer. He got a perfect score, but Chuck Norris came and roundhouse kicked him for using his name in vain.

Sometimes it's hard to see Chuck Norris for all the steam rising from his 'nads.

Chuck Norris uses a live Tasmanian Devil to shine his boots.

J. Wellington Wimpy did pay Chuck Norris back on Tuesday for a hamburger eaten that day.

Chuck Norris is an asshole. By saying that my life will end in three sec

Micheal Jackson died on June 25, 2009, what investigators did not know was that Chuck Norris was walking down the street 3 minutes after MJ's death.

Everyone is entitled to Chuck Norris' opinion...or a roundhouse kick to the jaw.

When there is a thunderstorm and you see lightning, Chuck Norris follows it with by clapping his hands, causing thunder. There is no Mother Nature, only Chuck Nature.

Chuck Norris can squeeze carviar out of a lemon.

Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck NORRIS

Duke Nukem was based on Chuck Norris.

Clearly, Chuck Norris has more bad-assedness in his beard than all of the other Expendables combined and squared.

Every Easter, Chuck Norris like to celebrate by using his powers as a necromancer to resurrect Jesus Christ, then immediately roundhouse kick him to death again.

Chuck Norris does not need a remote, he just tells the TV what channel and volume he wants.

Chuck Norris knows who the fuck is Alice.

Chuck Norris can kill a Shaolin Grandmaster with an Icecream.

Chuck Norris never gets 'angry'. He gets nukey.

Chuck Norris once extinguished a veld fire using just a flamethrower, only Chuck Norris can fight fire with fire.

It was once called Bad Friday. Then Chuck Norris promised to stay at home for one Friday every year.

Chuck Norris knew the ending of Star Trek, Star Trek Generations, Star Trek Enterprise, and the Star Trek Movie before it became an idea.

Chuck Norris is so bad-ass, he single-handedly transformed The Expendables 2 from R to PG-13.

Chuck Norris uses crab legs for toilet paper.

NASA ended the space shuttle program when they discovered it'd be easier and cheaper to have Chuck Norris launch astronauts into space.

Chuck Norris has the directions to Sesame Street in his GPS, but refuses to tell anyone.

Chuck Norris drinks 5 hour energy drinks to help him relax.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

When Chuck Norris swims with sharks, it is the sharks that wear chain-mail suits.

Chuck Norris is so fast he can punch himself in the back the head

Chuck Norris tracked down the most boring man in the world, punched him in the face, then ordered him to grow a beard and become an alcoholic.

Chuck Norris makes Uncle Sam look like a goddamn chinaman.

Choose life. Before Chuck Norris kills you.

Chuck Norris did not learn French. He invented French.

Chuck Norris doesn't celebrate Christmas, Christmas celebrates Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris plays scrabble, hjdldudhqe IS a real word