All Chuck Norris Facts

The reason why we have night time is because Chuck Norris commands the sun to go to sleep.

The first title was alien vs. Predator vs. Chuck Norris , but no one wanted to see a movie that only lasted 14 seconds.

Chuck Norris can eat an apple through a tennis racket

It was going to be called 'Expendables 2: The One With Chuck Norris', but he decided to give all the other movies a break.

It goes without saying that you can't hold a candle to Chuck Norris. Mainly because he will fart on it and incinerate you.

Chuck Norris can sing in a bass voice that makes Barry White and Lou Rawls sound like members of The Chipmunks by comparison.

Chuck Norris can tell time on a compass.

Chuck Norris once shot a flea through the heart with a .44 Magnum.

If any of us were to have our peaceful lives suddenly shattered in front of us, we'd probably crawl into a fetal position. Chuck Norris doesn't roll that way. Chuck Norris yawns. Loudly.

Satan would donate his soul to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris calls up Billy Ray Cyrus at least once a week to laugh at him.

Chuck Norris knows the way to san Jose.

The reason were greatful for life is because Chuck Norris lets us lie

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Neo out of Zion, now Neo is "The Two"

When singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall, Chuck Norris takes one down and doesn't pass it around.

The ONLY Chuck Norris regret.... inventing Al Gore.

Once Chuck Norris pissed off anger, and that is how happyiess was invented.

Chuck Norris catches the early bird.

Chuck Norris speaks every language on Earth, and three more that no one else speaks.

If someone says, nobodys perfect, Chuck Norris takes that as a personal insult.

Chuck Norris' girlfriend asked him to sing her a tender love song, so Chuck belted out a rousing rendition of George Thorogood's Bad to the Bone.

Chuck Norris gives Red Bull wings

When Chuck Norris was born his mother didn't have a enough breast milk so a herd of milking cows were brought in each day. 8 weeks later he was able to dine on Texas BBQ with all the fixins.

After having intercourse with his high school girlfriend Chuck Norris whispered into her ear... "You have 30 minutes to get to the nearest hospital".

Count from 1-10. That's how long it takes for Chuck Norris to kill you- 47 times.

Aliens have been abducted by Chuck Norris.

Wanna know what Bill Murray whispered into Scarlett Johanson's ear at the end of Lost In Translation? "I don't love you, I love Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris once acquired two Harley-Davidsons by Karate-chopping a muscle car in half.

There are no Chuck Norris Jokes. Only Chuck Norris Facts.

The local name for Mt. Everest means "Mountain almost as large as the manhood of Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris and Superman once arm wrestled. The bet was that who ever lost would have to wear his underwear over his pants - forever.

Chuck Norris has no hair on his balls This is because hair cannot grow out of steel

Chuck Norris invented Gravity to prevent people from leaving Earth.

An elephant never forgets Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris opened his mouth he made dodo birds extinct.

Chuck Norris gets more ass than a toilet seat at the Irritable Bowel Syndrome Sufferer's annual national convention

Chuck Norris kills and average of 12.3 people on his way to the store

Chuck Norris can win a gun fight by saying BANG!

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes KILLING.

In the age of the dinosaurs, "comet" was the nickname of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris broke the sound barrier with the Goodyear blimp.

The world record for eating hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes is 59. Chuck Norris can eat 200, followed by 3 kegs of beer.

Chuck Norris can make a slow cooker grill a steak

Chuck Norris can clog the toilet.... even with his piss.

Chuck Norris can perform a full frontal lobotomy through fear.

Chuck Norris can sharpen a pencil by sticking it into his ear.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

Chuck Norris lives in a yellow submarine. A yellow submarine. Yellow submarine.

Chuck Norris wore a thong bikini once to see if anyone would laugh. CHUCK NORRIS 1 , CAVEMEN 0. anymore smartasses ?

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the snot out elephants & hangs them on the ceiling for birthday party decorations.

Willy Wonka ran sewage treatment plant until Chuck Norris pissed in it.

Chuck Norris can punch you so hard that time moves backwards.

Learn to spell & your jokes are shit. Chuck Norris deserves more than this.

Chuck Norris can tug on Superman's cape. Chuck Norris can spit into the wind. Chuck Norris can pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger, and he can mess around with Jim.

Chuck Norris once peed in a semi trucks gas tank as a joke.. the semi is now known as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris can cut down an Oak tree with a steak knife.

Michael Jackson didn't have a rare skin disease.... Chuck Norris beat the black outa him.. ..at Michael's request. The injuries were so severe it required several years of intense surgery.

Don't worry about Chuck Norris' carbon footprint. His physical bootprints have destroyed the earth irrepairably as it is.

Chuck Norris has a fire crotch. Really, there is fire down there. His deadly Roundhouse is a result of him trying to put out the blaze.

Chuck Norris invented KFC's 11 herbs and spices, but people did not know about the 12th ingredient:FEAR

Chuck Norris once beat a mountain in a staring contest.

Chuck Norris won the 1983 World Series of Poker despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of jail free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green No.4 Uno card.

Inspired by Robert De Niro in Taxi Driver, Chuck Norris always keeps two spring-out M16s up the sleeves of his jackets.

Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick your ass unless you submit a Chuck Norris fact.

A black hole singularity is actually the end result of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris doesn't need "get out of jail free" cards in Monopoly because no cop is fool enough to arrest Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris thinks ping-pong is a sissy game. That's why he invented Oklahoma-pong which is alot like ping-pong except it's played with a cannonball & a manhole cover.

Chuck Norris can speak French in Russian

Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum he chews diamonds

The topsoil in Chuck Norris' front yard is 40 percent human teeth.

I think, therefor, Chuck Norris let me exist

A Handicap Parking Sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you are soon to be handicapped if you dare to park there.

Chuck Norris once gave a pregame speech so compelling, both teams won.

A bulletproof jacket is an imitation of Chuck Norris' beard

Chuck Norris can wheelie on a unicycle. While sitting on a park bench. On Jupiter. And at the same time, he's defeating Red with a Frillish.

Chuck Norris can conect parallel lines

Chuck Norris can walk on water. With his hands

Santa Claus attaches his sleigh to Chuck Norris's jumping side kick.

Chuck Norris suffers from a severe case of Stickittodamaneosis.

Chuck Norris can faithfully reproduce Beethoven's Ninth using a jug, washboard, harmonica, and a pair of spoons.

Chuck Norris has clocked both "FarmVille" and "Mafia Wars" on Facebook, and his WOW avatar is a level 10000 AH-64 Apache.

Parties at the home of Chuck Norris make the ones at the Playboy Mansion seem like senior citizen afternoon teas by comparison.

Chuck Norris' one & only time of weakness occurred when he recieved a Sarah Palin rim job.

Muammar Gaddafi's troops started to defect when Libyan state television began their Chuck Norris-month.

Chuck Norris eats out only at buffet's. this is because no one serves Chuck Norris and lives.

Chuck Norris can make you evacuate your bowels with a high five.

Chuck Norris once gave Mike Tyson a black eye.

Vampires walk at night not because of the sun, but becuase Chuck Norris walks in the day.

Someone once asked Chuck Norris "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" He answered the question by punching himself in the face

Chuck Norris not only kicks ass and takes names, he kills people and collects their souls.

On NFL Sundays, Chuck Norris has his beer & chicken tailgate parties catered by Hobby Lobby and Chick-fil-A.

Surprisingly, the only Street Fighter II move based on one of Chuck Norris' was Chun-Li's. Chuck Norris prefers to travel by performing four upside-down double-roundhouse kicks per second.

Chuck Norris is so much if a man that he sees everybody as a woman

Chuck Norris invented Breeding so that he could Roundhouse Kick Newborns.... Twice

A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step... and of course can be ended with a single brutal Chuck Norris spinning snap kick to the side of the face. So think about that.

When Chuck Norris gets the runs, he backs up the local sewage plant.

Chuck Norris graduated college with a degree in Chuck Norris!

The bible was originally tittled "Chuck Norris and Freinds."

Since 1972, the funeral home industry has given Chuck Norris 1% of their net profit as a gesture of thanks. That "thank you" amount hit $100 billion last year.

Those movies when monsters attack tokyo are fake. Its just a documentery about when Chuck Norris lets his pets play outside