All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris keeps Marsellus Wallace's soul in his wallet.

Unlike Mr T, Chuck Norris does not pity the fool. Chuck Norris beats him to death.

When a waiter asks Chuck Norris what he wants to drink, he responds with a roundhouse kick to the face and collecting the waiter's tears in a glass. He drinks them and then tells the waiter for ice next time.

Chuck Norris could tell you his secret, but theres 1 requirement. You must die.

Chuck Norris made Twisted Sister take it some more.

Some people can make animal shapes out of balloons. Chuck Norris can do the same with human organs.

In 1968, Chuck Norris found himself unarmed and surrounded by 2000 Viet Cong troops. They immediately surrendered.

"Chuck Norris once played chicken with a rhino", "the rhino died!"

Chuck Norris knows Italian fluently, but prefers to let his roundhouse kicks to do the talking when in Rome.

All men are created equal. Except, of course, for Chuck Norris, who is more equal than anybody else.

Chuck Norris made Dave Grohl his monkey wrench.

Chuck Norris is in the killing business and to quote Chuck Norris "Business Is Good.

Chuck Norris can keep chumbawumba down

Chuck Norris clogs the toilet every time he pisses.

Chuck Norris knows your secrets.

Chuck Norris would buy that for a dollar. But is getting it for free anyway.

Chuck Norris once broke Mach 2 while jogging.

AI data centers consume enough electricity to power small countries. Chuck Norris' treadmill powers three of them.

Chuck Norris uses Agent Orange as deoderant.

Sasquatch once found a Chuck Norris footprint.

Eskimos club baby seals to death for their fur. Chuck Norris clubs Eskimos for their teeth. That's why you never see an Eskimo with teeth grinning.

Gangsters spend all their lives living in Chuck Norris' Paradise

Chuck Norris rhymes with 'kill'.

Before Chuck Norris came along, pitbulls were lap dogs.

Chuck Norris never had to knock on wood. But he knows some assholes he killed who have. Which make him wonder if you should. Because he knows it isn't good. That's the impression of his boot in your face that you'll get.

Every night when Chuck Norris goes to sleep, his beard detatches itself, picks up a small knife and sprints towards the city in hopes to match his killcount.

There is only 1 person in the world who can kill Chuck Norris, ITS HIS EVIL TWIN Chack Norris

if Chuck Norris was a Spartan in the movie 300, the movie would be called 1.

Chuck Norris jogs for an hour every morning at 6am. He finishes at 5am.

Chuck Norris got so pissed off at IE6 he roundhouse kicked it and to this day it still can't render css properly.

Chuck Norris' natural pubic musk has the same properties as chloroform.

He used to be called The Headed Horseman before Chuck Norris met him.

Chuck Norris fucked the fat lady after it was over.

Chuck Norris uses the shards of broken liquor bottles as contact lenses.

The demon in Paranormal Activity disperses powder on his door to see Chuck Norris' footprints

The reason why Japan has too many disasters like the WWII bombings in Hiroshima and Nagasaki, earthquakes and tsunamis is because they always mispronounced his name in their prayers and praises as "CHUCK NOLLIS" instead of CHUCK NORRIS.

The only way Chuck Norris can die is from a kiss of true love delivered by Richard Simmons.

If Chuck Norris cuts ahead of you in line, just be thankful he let you survive after being in his way.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Nina Needs to Go!

Rattlesnakes FEAR a Chuck Norris bite.

The only child ever to survive a roundhouse kick by Chuck Norris was Gary Coleman. He has not grown since.

Chuck Norris is only man who has held all weight class championship belts in UFC at the same time

Hello Kitty has stubby arms because Chuck Norris was feeling hungry.

The Producer asked Chuck Norris if he would appear on an episode of Naked and Afraid. Chuck said "I have no problem gettin' naked but none of that crap on your show is gonna scare me".

Chuck Norris invented dark matter to fool scientists!

Chuck Norris actually has German blood. He keeps it in the fridge next to the mayonnaise.

Chuck Norris eats spaghetti with a spoon

Once upon a time, there was a warrior. He was destined to save the earth from all evils. That man was not Chuck Norris, because Chuck ate that man. Don't piss him off.

Every Chuck Norris handshake comes with a free lifetime limp.

The victims of Michael Myers run around helpless and scared to death until he finds them and stab them. but Michael Myers is always on the run cause he's terrified of how hard Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick him when he finds him.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to Chuck Norris's side.

Chuck Norris is the only man alive that can staple water to a tree

Led Zeppelin originally wanted to call their songs "Whole Lotta Chuck" and "Stairway To Chuck Norris' Basement"

Chuck Norris can eat tomato soup with chopsticks.

Chuck Norris once broke the law. They are still trying to put it back together.

Chuck Norris' vocal cords have built-in autotune.

Chuck Norris owns the Elephant Man's skeleton, and recently aquired Michael Jackson's.

Chuck Norris isn't a human being, he's a human doing.

Scientists say perpetual motion is impossible... Chuck Norris proved them wrong with a stare.

Chuck Norris invented stuffed turkey, cranberries and sweet potatoes. He also invented 'the wheel'. In America we celebrate Thanksgiving because Chuck Norris doesn't make us eat wheels too.

Chuck Norris survived the atomic bombs, he still stayed as a smooth-skin.

Chuck Norris shot down fifty-two German fighter jets- in 2007.

Chuck Norris once won a drag race with a bulldozer.

If Chuck Norris fights with himself it's a win-win situation.

Chuck Norris can rescue you from a fate worse than death - not being violently killed by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris smokes only the finest herb through the barrel of a .30-06

Chuck Norris CAN fit a square peg in a round hole.

The odds of a Star Destroyer surviving a direct assault on Chuck Norris are approximately three thousand seven hundred and twenty to one.

Chuck Norris has a hippieskin rug in his living room.

If you threw Chuck Norris' toenail clippings away, they would come back.

When Medusa stared at Chuck Norris SHE turned to stone.

Switzerland guarantees its neutrality by paying Chuck Norris a tribute of 10 million dollars and 52 hot women each year.

Chuck Norris used Thor's hammer to tack a picture up on his living room wall.

Once Chuck Norris Kicked a football , Now We are calling it as Moon.

Chuck Norris once slam-dunked a supermarket against the side of a mountain.

Chuck Norris will kick your ass by way of your head.

They wanted Amy Winehouse to go to rehab, but she said no, no, no. So Chuck Norris killed her.

Arnold had to beg Chuck Norris for the role of Terminator.

The number pi isn't really infinite.Chuck Norris just hasn't told it to stop yet.

Chuck Norris surgically removed his his own hemorrhoids with his toenails, tanned them and made a beautiful travel bag out of them.

The Military has nothing on Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is the real ARMY OF ONE!!!

Chuck Norris has only one fear...that's why there are no mirrors in his house

Chuck Norris' prostate is used to examine doctor's fingers.

Chuck Norris invented the A-Team so that at some point in time he could devour them and become four times as awesome.

Foghorn Leghorn to Chuck Norris: "Listen to me, I say, pay attention to me boy when I'm talkin to ya!" Chuck Norris: "Anybody care for some chicken fricassee?"

Chuck Norris gives computers viruses

Chuck Norris knows where it's at. It's at his house.

Ron Jeremy is jealous of only one man: Chuck Norris.

Don't hate the playa, or the game... hate Chuck Norris. Then prepare to die.

Chuck Norris plucks his nose hairs with a set of vise grips.

You can do what you want in international waters... that's why Chuck Norris filled his Jacuzzi with international water

Schrodinger's Cat is not simultaneously dead and alive. Schrodinger's Cat is dead OR alive dependent on whether E=CN.(Chuck Norris)

Chuck Norris breeds twelve-thousand horsepower horses

God help anyone who attends a Chuck Norris poetry slam.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Amish men grow beards.

Chuck Norris does die, but is reborn an adult seconds after he dies.

Chuck Norris can talk backwards. In Chinese.

Chuck Norris once went fishing, but then ended up fighting a shark and roundhouse kicking it into the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris wears white after Labor Day.

Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick you into yourself, and then kick the you that's within yourself into outer space.