All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris is recommending all his friends buy a boat because Zombies can not swim.

Date: March 8, 2012. Chuck Norris decides to spend his spring vacation in the Mushroom Kingdom to duke it out with the portly plumber himself. Mario is currently gobbling 1-Up mushrooms, grabbing red coins, and going berserk with golden flowers.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

All bad guys ever kicked by Chuck Norris in TV/movies immediatly died upon end of contract. Chuck Norris respects the Law.

There's an old saying: what's good for the goose, is good for the gander. Conversly, what's good for Chuck Norris is most likely lethal to most mortals.

Chuck Norris is not invited to Pro-Am golf tournaments because he would make the other golfers look bad. Amateurs, too.

the titanic did not hit an iceberg and sink, Chuck Norris hit the titanic

Chuck Norris will never be on Mythbusters because everything Chuck does is not myth!

Chuck Norris never has to drive his car.He tells the car what to do. Start,go,stop,left,right,foward reverse,headlights on and off, wipe my windshield.

Chuck Norris was kicked off the show "Extreme Couponing" the producers couldn't stand watching entire grocery chains file bankruptcy because of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can run Windows 7 on a Commodore 64.

Every Gun family owns a Chuck Norris for self-protection.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if it was true that he had cheated Death. Chuck Norris merely laughed and said "Fool! I am Death" and proceeded to roundhouse kick him mercilessly.

Chuck Norris caught a chicken using a dead alligator as bait.

Chuck Norris always looks a gift horse in the eye, then he kills it with one punch.

Chuck Norris had an iPad Air when the iPhone was first released.

Chuck Norris can massacre his way through an army of bad guys like he's using a cheat code.

Chuck Norris can pee in the pool without getting caught.

Chuck Norris once took his pet Sasquatch to a Furry Convention.

Chuck Norris pasteurizes milk by drinking it

Chuck Norris know what's a gayfish is!!!

Remember Child's Play? The doll now hangs from Chuck Norris' rearview mirror.

When Chuck Norris attended a Boy George concert, Boy George soon found himself in the nose bleed section - literally.

Willy Wonka gave an everlasting gobstopper to Chuck Norris. The flavor lasted 2.3 seconds.

Chuck Norris has a blood pressure reading of zero over zero. Chuck Norris has never felt any pressure.

War of The Worlds was actually a documentary- all the aliens died out after Chuck Norris dealt with them.

Jimmy Fallon has to ask Chuck Norris permission "to make it rain up in here".

If you offend Chuck Norris in any way, he will murder you without a second thought. Or even a first one.

Chuck Norris doesn't get into car accidents, cars get into Chuck Norris accidents.

The real reason Hitler killed himself was because he found out Chuck Norris was Jewish

Full-powered Chuck Norris attacks are the second ingredient in Taco Bell ground beef.

UFO's don't stay long because they know Chuck Norris did not invite them

A reporter asked Chuck Norris if he considered himself a 2nd rate actor or a 3rd rate actor? Chuck asked the reporter if he preferred a fractured skull or a ruptured spleen.

Chuck Norris NEVER calls the cops. The cops call Chuck Norris.

If Chuck Norris steals money from a bank, the owner of the bank gets arrested for not just giving Chuck Norris the money.

Chuck Norris can fart in the shower and make bubbles.

When in doubt..........Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris uses pens on Scantron sheets.

After its humiliating failure to circumsize a young Chuck Norris, Hurst Performance made a fortune marketing the Jaws of Life to fire departments.

Giraffes are born or created when Chuck Norris uppercuts a Horse!

The Beatles sang about living in a yellow submarine. That's because they wanted to get away from Chuck Norris.

Whatever happened to Duncan MacLeod, The Highlander? He foolishly challenged Chuck Norris. In the end, there can be only one. The one is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has never experienced failure, remorse, being wrong, pity or defeat, among other things.

Chuck Norris killed the greek warrior achilles with a roundhouse kick to his face. Then one night Chuck Norris made a joke he says "Ah-kill-hes face!"

Chuck Norris was hunting bears when his rifle jammed. Faced with a charging Grizzly, Chuck grabbed a rubber band from his pocket and strangled the bear.

The man who came up with the phrase the only thing to fear is fear itself has never met Chuck Norris.

Before sliced bread, people used to say, "That's the greatest thing since Chuck Norris." But Chuck Norris was displeased by this. So he roundhouse kicked a loaf of bread into slices.

When Chuck Norris plays Five Nights at Freddy's, the animatronics don't scare him. The animatronics come to him

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.

Chuck Norris kicked the bucket-and lived.

Chuck Norris takes knives to gun fights. Chuck Norris opens presents on your birthday.

when we add 9+1, we get 10. when Chuck Norris adds 9+1, a thunderbolt strikes down the nearest person watching him.

Chuck Norris sleeps on the television

Chuck Norris uses an orang-utan skull as a bong.

When Chuck Norris enters a Red Lobster restaurant, the shrimp stab themselves with an EpiPen to avoid antiphelactic shock.

There are plenty of Chucks, but only one Chuck Norris- he roundhouse kicks anyone named after him.

Chuck Norris doesnt go to mexico Chuck doent close his eyes playing hide and seek Chuck Norris foent do dentions Chuck was excluded from his exclusion

Chuck Norris doesn't use a chainsaw to cut trees, he just stares at the tree until it falls over.

The Boogeyman once hid under Chuck Norris' bed. When he realized what he'd done, the Boogeyman peed his pants and ran screaming into the night.

Chuck Norris can cut someone in half.....by just looking at you.

If suddenly the world was taken over by aliens and everyone was made their slaves, Chuck Norris would be made their king, no questions asked.

Chuck Norris is so fertile that every time he jerks off into a sock it squeezes out a pair of cowboy boots.

Rick, Daryl, Glenn and Michonne want Chuck Norris to join their group as Chuck can kill a zombies brain with just one intense stare.

Helen Keler's favorite color is Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris employs a concierge urologist.

If Chuck Norris ever says to you, "relax, I got your back", do not for a second believe that he is going to protect you from anything! Because that means he has just ripped out your spine.

Chuck Norris created tetris when he bent several people spines and stacked them on top of each other.

Chuck Norris does not return your greeting. Chuck Norris simply stares.

Chuck Norris is the Fifth Horseman.

Chuck Norris once found a piece of hay in a neelestack.

Pele is the Chuck Norris of soccer.

Cavemen didn't invent fire; Chuck Norris merely snapped his fingers and gave it to them

As a young magician - Walker: Texas Illusionist - Chuck Norris once cut a lady in half on-stage. He then lit a cigar and chuckled as the audience freaked out.

Chuck Norris doesn't push the envelope. He wipes his ass with it.

You can see Chuck Norris's charisma from space.

Chuck Norris doesn't eat limes. He eats limestone.

Chuck Norris plays badminton using a manhole cover for a racket and a dead ostrich as a birdie.

Chuck Norris stared at a carton of Orange Juice because it said concentrate. The carton exploded 5 minutes later.

People say it's better to lucky than good. Chuck Norris doesn't believe in luck. He's good at everything.

When Chuck Norris destroys a pub in Britain, everybody there says that 'he caused a right royal Chuckus'.

Have you ever heard of the time when Chuck Norris lost a fight.........that's right.........no you haven't

Iron Maiden was Iron Man before Chuck Norris got a hold of them!

God created the world in 7 days, Chuck Norris created the rest of the universe in one.

Chuck Norris holds a 14th degree black and red chain belt in Tibetan Throat Warbling under the Bedouin monks of the Al Maghreb mountains.

Chuck Norris once had a horse throat so he went to his personal physician. They both thought it tasted like shrimp scampi.

If you stare at a picture of Chuck Norris long enough, your jaw will start hurting.

Chuck Norris doesn't start his alphabet with an A. Instead he starts it with a Z, and ends with CN.

Jackie Chan went around the world in 80 days. Chuck Norris went around the world in 80 seconds... 10000 times

Chuck Norris won the first americas got talent by just saying his name.

Chuck Norris recently invented the roundhouse headbutt.

Chuck Norris will hit you so hard that your blood will bleed

Whenever Chuck Norris goes for a swim in the ocean, the sea level drops 11 inches around the world.

Chuck Norris was on safari in Africa when his rifle jammed. He still took his trophy lion by chasing it down and choking it out with his bare hands.

Chuck Norris can burn water and put out fire with gasoline.

Chuck Norris named his price and saved 15% or more on car insurance when he switched to Allstate.

Chuck Norris can call checkmate, before the pieces are setup on the chessboard.

If you asked Chuck Norris how many houses he could build out the skulls of his enemies, he would ask you how many graveyards there are in the world.

Chuck Norris' toupee came off an orangutan's ass.

Chuck Norris is the eleventh plague of Egypt.

Actions speak louder than words, unless they're Chuck Norris' words.