All Chuck Norris Facts

The reason there are so many Chuck Norrisms is because he has not given people permission to stop writing them.

Chuck Norris can kill you with a headshot using a shotgun from across the map on call of duty.

There was a band named the Chuck Norrises. It was then banned because the band threatened the viewers with roundhouse kicks, including Chuck Norris.

Mighty Mouse often sang "Here I Come to Save the Day!" The next and little-known line of that song was "Because Chuck Norris Has My Back!"

Chuck Norris' life is basically a gritty reboot of the concept of grittiness.

Chuck Norris didn't actually invent time travel. His future self taught him how.

Chuck Norris often works out in public. He was spotted last week on Hwy 66 roundhouse kicking tornados as a warm up.

Some people check their horoscope. Chuck Norris consults his Norriscope. It's usually a set of co-ordinates and the words 'KILL' or 'SEX'.

Chuck Norris can outrun an Olympic sprinter. By walking.

Chuck Norris fact: John Merrick was Chuck Norris' identical twin. Chuck kicked his brothers butt inside his mothers womb for sucking on his thumb. John Merrick is known today as the elephant man.

There was a man that had to slay a dragon....But that man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed the man.

When Chuck Norris is a contestant on "Jeopardy," he can answer in any form he damn well chooses.

Elon Musk tried to make the government more efficient with DOGE. Chuck Norris made it efficient decades ago — nobody dared waste his tax money.

People started making the Yo-Mama jokes because they mistook Chuck Norris' bicep for your mother's fat ass.

Did you know? Rick Ross' "You are the Boss " hit was produced by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris's recessive genes dominate everyone else's.

lightening struck Chuck Norris... he struck back

Chuck Norris always puts his occupation as Chuck Norris

Can Chuck Norris make a rock heavy enough that he can't lift it? Of course he can....he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris tied the New Boyz down with one hand behind his back

Bruises are caused by Chuck Norris tapping you with his finger.

When there's something bad in your neighborhood... Who you gonna call? CHUCK NORRIS!

Chuck Norris beat Halo 1 2 and 3 on legendary with a broken guitar hero controller

Chuck Norris is the landlord of the Hall of Justice.

Chuck Norris once decided to sell his saliva as an areosol spray. He called it "WD-40"

Chuck Norris can kill Weegee (a evil invincable clone of luigi) in 1 roundhousekick

The flu was down with a bad case of Chuck Norris.

Metallica's James Hetfield calls himself a table. Chuck Norris just calls himself a winner.

Chuck Norris once told Rage Against The Machine to mellow down and stop being so angry. They broke up the next day and joined Soundgarden.

Chuck Norris discovered the theory of relativity. When Albert Einstein found out he decided to make it public. Chuck Norris got angry and roundhouse kicked him in the face. Albert Einstein is now known as Stephen Hawking.

Chuck Norris invented Gumby by repeatedly bitch slapping Sean Hannity with Rush Limbaugh's nut sack.

Chuck Norris once ran a marathon because it was on his way.

Chuck Norris won Iron Chef just by using an easy bake oven.

Chuck Norris is watching you as you read this joke. If you want it to end quickly, don't turn around.

Yahweh strictly adheres to Chuck Norris' first commandment: having no other gods before him.

Chuck Norris always hits the G-spot with mathematical precision.

When the moon hits your eye, like a big pizza pie, that's Chuck Norris.

The reason people think Paul McCartney is dead is because he once made fun of Chuck Norris.

CHuck Norris can start a car simply by running his hands over the dash.

Chuck Norris wants to know how your wife and his kids have been doing lately.

Chuck Norris doesn't take bath, he sheds his skin twice a year.

Chuck Norris EATS three packs of cigarettes a day.

When Chuck Norris breathes there are hurricane warnings

When Chuck Norris does the 'got your nose' thing to kids, it is horrific to behold.

Chuck Norris once performed a vasectomy on a gorilla while it was masterbating over a female in estrous.

Chuck Norris won't be Mr. Rogers' neighbor.

Chuck Norris can finish an "all you can eat" buffet.

Chuck Norris single handedly roundhouse kicked the butt of every player, coach, waterboy and fan of the Florida State University Seminoles football team. They are now known as the Semiholes.

It should be blatantly obvious to all, but it still bears repeating: never, ever, EVER ask Chuck Norris to take his boots off when he enters your house.

Chuck Norris is So Badass, he went to the island of Coradie to kick Ganon's Ass.

It's bad for a black cat if it crosses Chuck Norris' path.

its not the milky way its a cumshot that Chuck Norris missed

Chuck Norris can make a mole hill out of a mountain.

If survival of the fittest was true, Chuck Norris would be the last thing left on earth.

Chuck Norris claims the greatest comedy ever is "Saving Private Ryan"

Chuck Norris invented the kangaroo when he ripped the front legs off a dog and threw it all the way to Australia.

If you toss a coin with Chuck Norris, and say "heads I win, tails you lose" Chuck Norris will still win.

Chuck Norris can make diamonds from belly button lint.

At his wedding, Kanye West spoke for an hour and forty-five minutes about how awesome Chuck Norris is.

Chuck Norris can clip his left hand fingernails...with his left hand!

Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade you've ever tasted.

Contrary to the urban legend, Chuck Norris' eyes don't glow in the dark. Although on the Sabbath, his nipples do.

If you ever try to drop kick Chuck Norris, you should stay down there.

Chuck Norris recently bagged a Grizzley Bear with a Nerf gun.

The flu takes a Chuck Norris shot every year

Chuck Norris is the most venomous thing on earth. After moments of getting bit, you receive the following symptoms: fever, beard rash, tightness of jeans, and the feeling of getting kicked through a car.

Chuck Norris once tore a mattress of it's tag.

If Chuck Norris sneezed over a woman, she becomes pregnant.

Chuck Norris isn't all that interested in astronomy. The only stars Chuck Norris cares about are the 50 on the flag of the USA, the one that's part of his Ranger badge, and the Lone Star of Texas.

Atomic fusion is so powerful, it could power the U.S. for a day. Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick can power the Earth for 1,000 years.

The Kool-Aid Pitcherman busted through the wall of Chuck Norris' livingroom and said, "OH NOOOOOOOO!".

Robin Hood was partially based on Chuck Norris, in that Norris would rob from the rich. But Robin Hood never roundhouse-kicked the poor. Or the rich, for that matter.

When Chuck Norris needs to travel by plane, he makes BA Baracus fly him.

Chuck Norris wants your soul. Chuck Norris will EAT your soul.

Chuck Norris never wipes his butt

Chuck Norris can compare apples to oranges.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

A mere glimpse of Chuck Norris bearded member gave engineers the idea for the Alaska Pipeline.

If a fishes see Chuck Norris swim , they usally drown in fear.

Chuck Norris can actually "hold up" a bank...with one finger.

Chuck Norris is widely considered the greatest hip-hop artist of all time.

I was experiencing hard drive troubles and couldn't wait for chkdsk to complete so I rebooted and typed in Chuck Norris in the cmd prompt....problem solved.

Chuck Norris has lasted this long simply because Heaven wants nothing to do with him, and Hell is afraid that he'll take over the place.

If Chuck Norris were the king of Camelot he would be the master of the nights of the roundhouse.

Chuck Norris is the reason for JAL flight 123

Chuck Norris house trained his dog by 1 roundhouse kick to the face.

You know the move where Scorpio removes the spine in mortal combat? Well Chuck Norris can do that to invertibrates!

When Chuck Norris gets voted in as president, he will not live in the White House. He will live in the Round House.

Chuck Norris can make a happy meal cry

People worry AI will replace their jobs. AI worries Chuck Norris will replace it.

Chuck Norris overheard an old man complain that his Metamucil just wasn't providing enough fiber to take care of business. So, a kind Chuck Norris rammed an oak tree up the old man's ass, lit it up with a flame thrower and yelled: "fire in the hole".

Chuck Norris once milked a crocodile.

Chuck Norris puts the C in Critical, the H in Hercules, the U in Unbeatable and the K in Kick... All together - CHUCK.

Chuck Norris' fart can destroy every living entity in the whole world. He holds his fart to save the world. Thank you Chuck!

Some people call it love at first sight when you gaze in to the eyes of your lover. Other people call it death by suicide when you stare at Chuck Norris.

On Thursdays, Chuck Norris plays 7 Card Stud with The Moon, a grizzly and Gomez Adams.

Charity gives to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris will never suffer from a demonic possession, but demons can suffer from a Chuck Norris-Possession.

In the Matrix, how can you tell it from the real world? Well, in the real world, all leading roles played by different actors who always get the girl are actually Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris decided it shall be called pineapple, and the world accepted it out of sheer terror even though the fruit had nothing to do with pines or apples.