All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris tore her 10 new ones

Chuck Norris can kick a fart back into an ass.

Jesus walked on water....Chuck Norris walked on Jesus

Robert Pattinson must report to Chuck Norris' mansion every Thursday to eat a whole clove of garlic in front of him.

When Chuck Norris sees a screamer, he roundhouse kicks it so hard, that the ghost gets hit.

Whenever Chuck Norris strangles a tiger, he gets Frosted Flakes.

Bears have to put up "Don't feed Chuck Norris" signs.

Chuck Norris won the Indy 500. On an Exercise Bike.

Chuck Norris once killed a man with a roundhouse kick to someone else's face.

Chuck Norris' beard has the density of a dying sun.

Chuck Norris can make safety scissors dangerous.

Chuck Norris abducted Liam Neesons' daughter and had his way with her for six months. Liam didn't do shit. So Chuck beat the shit out of him.

Chuck Norris found the i in team, them promptly gouged it out.

Chuck Norris can see you, even when he cant.

You know how the old saying goes: You can take the boy out of Texas, but you can't stop Chuck Norris from killing you. And that boy.

Chuck Norris can keep any character played by Sean Bean alive.

The only mistake that Chuck Norris has committed was when he thought he did a mistake.

Chuck Norris can't get through his steak breakfast without a fifth of whiskey.

Chuck Norris ONLY drinks orange juice after brushing his teeth.

Chuck Norris can see 3D in TV without wearing glasses.

the dinosaurs only became extinct after Chuck Norris had a BBQ, for one

"Like a good neighbor..." Chuck Norris is there... with a roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris once cast a fishing line into the Atlantic Ocean and caught 243 fish...then the hook hit the water

Chuck Norris once found the mammary glands on an alligator.

The goverment called Chuck Norris to ask him to destroy an asteroid the size of Texas.Chuck Norris then rode on top of a rocket with nothing but a fork and a cherrybomb.Needless to say, the asteroid lost.

Chuck Norris hunts Cape Buffalo with a slingshot.

Tesla's Autopilot doesn't drive the car. It just watches the road while Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the steering wheel in the right direction.

In 1978, a suicidal man,convinced that insulting Chuck Norris would result in instant death, walked right up to him and called him 'Shmuck Novice' to his face. You don't wanna know what is still happening to him.

When Chuck Norris was born it wasn't his mother that pushed him out, he crawled out on his own, round house kicked the doctor and lit a cigar.

Chuck Norris can break iron with bubbles

Chuck Norris wouldn't do anything for love. Love would do anything for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' hair has a tint of red due to the stain of blood from bloodshed

Chuck Norris can kill more people before 9 A.M. than most armies can kill all day.

Why do so many rock stars die at age 27? Chuck Norris

Mother Nature and Father Time came together and made Chuck Norris, But his name wasn`t always Chuck norris because it`s latin for I WILL KICK YOUR ASS.

If Chuck Norris was president, any word he says would make the crowd cheer for him. Wow that guy is one hell of a president.

Once upon a time Chuck Norris!

The Beatles are on itunes because Chuck Norris finally bought a Mac.

If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.

Chuck Norris has zero-gravity on tap.

If Chuck Norris imagines roundhouse kicking someone, that roundhouse kick actually hurts someone. Try not to imagine him imagining that.

Mountains bow down to Chuck Norris

The most difficult thing about making the Total Gym commercials was keeping Christie Brinkley from tearing off her clothes and begging Chuck Norris, "Take me, Chuck Norris, you magnificient bearded stallion!"

Chuck Norris knows which came first...the chicken or the egg....he'll only tell the person who beats him in battle. So I guess we may never know

Chuck Norris knows what a tinker is and why they don't give a damn.

When Chuck Norris action figures first came out they had a recall, because they were beating the shit out of little kids.

Chuck Norris has never had to start back at 'square one'. If he ever messes up, he'll start back at octagon fifty-two.

Chuck Norris invented Nunchucks after he defeated 100 Evil Nuns with two wooden rulers tied together.

Chuck Norris once took a dump on Wall Street. The turd he left is now known as the Bronze Bull.

Chuck Norris is known for doing every cool thing you've ever seen a person do in a movie, but significantly better.

Chuck Norris gets ever so slightly more healthy and strong with each cigar.

Chuck Norris can turn in a blank paper at school and get an A+.

Chuck Norris enjoys a love/convert relationship with lesbians.

Chuck Norris framed Michael Jackson's doctor.

When Chuck Norris plays live, he declines the traditional guitar solo and instead strangles an actual cat into the mike.

Ghosts don't come out during the daytime because of the fear that they might be sighted by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris clears his nose with an Uzi.

Chuck Norris is by far the most violent man to ever win the Nobel peace prize.

A black hole is created every time Chuck Norris farts.

Chuck Norris gave the terminators the emotion "fear"

The term 'bust a nut' doesn't apply to Chuck Norris. It should be 'detonating a watermelon plantation'.

Chuck Norris doesn't play the lottery, he wins it.

When Chuck Norris was a kid, the Tooth Fairy left the keys to Fort Knox under his pillow, in exchange for a molar.

Chuck Norris' preferred kung-fu style is Norristyle.

Chuck Norris uses jalapenos as breath mints

When Chuck Norris was little, he once played with some blocks. Those blocks today are known as the Stone Henge.

Chuck Norris prefers to kill people in the key of D minor.

Q: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? A: All of it...

Peter Pan once woke-up Chuck Norris at 5:00 AM in the morning. As a result, Cuck Norris made Pancakes for breakfast.

chucky does not play with Chuck Norris Chuck Norris plays with chucky by roundhouse kicking him over and over again

Chuck Norris spelled backward is still Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris created Stephen Hawking during a bowel movement,

When Chuck Norris farts, it gives off the smell of the interior of a brand new vehicle.

Why do vultures suddenly appear every time Chuck Norris is near? Just like me, they long to be... close to Chuck.

Chuck Norris' cellphone number is: 1

If you ever dare to start playing 'Six Degrees Of Chuck Norris', you will hear an ominous knock upon your front door.

Anthony Weiner resigned from congress and immediately committed suicide after learning that he had also accidently sent a twit to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't moisturize. Chuck Norris waterboards.

Chuck Norris tells The Fonz to sit on it.

Chuck Norris can find the limit of an oscillating function

Chuck Norris' grass is always greener.

Chuck Norris can lick the live end of a 50,000 watt cable and call it ice-cream.

Prisons are overcrowded because criminals insist on being sent to prison. They know they will be safe from Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris uses Donald Trump's face for toilet paper. That's why he looks so shitty ugly and has Chuck Norris' golden shit smeared on his shit stained hair

If Chuck Norris ate at your restaurant and had only $5 for his $50 meal, you would still owe him change.

Danger had a face, until Chuck Norris ripped it off.

Robin Williams knew Chuck Norris was coming for him.

There is no wrong side on Chuck Norris' bed.

Chuck Norris cornrows his crotch hair.

If he wanted to, Chuck Norris could roundhouse kick you in the face with the ingrown hair on his ass even tho' he doesn't have one.

When playing Blackjack, Chuck Norris wears a 50-gallon cowboy hat, huge bug-eye wraparound shades and a black velvet leisure suit covered in diamond studs. He keeps a loaded Uzi on the table while he plays.

Chuck Norris finished every Call of Duty games in less than 15 minutes..........without shooting a single bullet.

Chuck Norris is so tough that he is friends with Martha Stewart.

Chuck Norris can literally order Flied Lice at a Chinese takeout.

Chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child, once on Hiroshima then again on Nagasaki.

Environmentalists do their best not to upset Chuck Norris, cause the heat from his anger can melt an entire glacier.

Chuck Norris can walk through a village full of hungry cannibals without concern.

Chuck Norris' pet snail can go 50 mph and that's only it's jogging speed.

Chuck Norris decided to try bull riding. He drew a nasty bull named Doomsday. When Doomsday heard Chuck was going to ride him, he hid in his trailer and fainted.

Contrary to what was widely reported, Saddam Hussein was not hanged in Iraq - he was slowly liquified, inch by inch, in Chuck Norris' basement.