All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris can hear and speak sign language.

Chuck Norris has an 8 millionth degree black belt.

Chuck Norris can light a cigar by clapping his hands in front of it.

Chuck Norris recently ran into Nancy Pelosi and she told Chuck she had just flown in from Washington D. C. Chuck said "oh really, where did you park your broom"?

Joe Namath felt safe making his Super Bowl III guarantee because Chuck Norris said the Jets would win.

Will Weston punched a women in the face. Chuck norris punched a bull dozer in the face. Who is better? you decide

Vampires travel by night because Chuck Norris travels by day.

When you get a thumbs up from Chuck Norris, you always win.

Chuck Norris can send a text massage through public telephone

Chuck Norris's Minecraft username is "Herobrine27". Should be just "Herobrine" in my opinion. He deserves it.

Chuck Norris doesnt do the ice bucket challenge. Chuck Norris does the HOT LAVA BUCKET CHALLENGE.

Chuck Norris told Oprah to 'get off the goddamn TV'. They will show old Walker: Texas Ranger reruns in her place.

When Chuck Norris goes to the club he doesnt dance, he does "the Chuck Norris boogey" aka roundhouse kicking everyone

Chuck Norris doesn't walk - the world just rolls beneath his feet.

Chuck Norris does not need air from the trees because his lungs generate their own air out of fear.

A doctor once tried to test Chuck Norris' reflexes by lightly tapping on his knee with a small wooden mallet. Needless to say, that doctor is now in orbit.

Some people like to eat frog legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs.

Chuck Norris grinds black pepper with his ass-cheeks.

Whoever said "Close enough only works for horseshoes and hand grenades" obviously never witnessed what happens to people within a mile of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris satisfied Madonna so well she actually turned British.

Mario & Luigi are the result of Chuck Norris cutting Don Corleone in half with an atomic wedgy.

Chuck Norris's beard is the eigth wonder of the world.

When Chuck Norris uses a bathroom, he can stink it out for up to twenty-three years. Many around America's south have been turned into tourist attractions.

Chuck Norris liked this because it is fact/joke number 4900.

One person stated that Chuck Norris has forgotten more about killing than anyone will ever know. That is not true -- Chuck Norris never forgets. Ever.

....to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until Chuck Norris do us part.....

Chuck Norris eats happy meal toys and has the hamburger and fries as toys.

For Sunday Church Communions, Chuck Norris is served a 3 lb loaf or sourdough bread and gallon jug of MD 20/20 wine.

Chuck Norris uses the big dipper to eat his cereal.

Chuck Norris will die in the year 2012. thus ending the world

If Chuck Norris beat you half to death you would be dead.

Chuck Norris doesn't play COD: Nazi Zombies, Nazi Zombies play Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has forgotten more about not giving a fuck than you and I will ever know.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to do anything for a Klondike Bar.

Once Chuck Norris had the weakest hand while playing a High stakes game of 7 card stud. The other players were too afraid to tell him, that's how Razz was invented.

when Chuck norris was 3 years old he snacked on a box of crayons, 2 weeks ago he reportedly shit out a candle, and when i came out, it was lit!

While building a house in Kansas, Chuck Norris was dared to dig a hole as deep as he could. Chuck Norris dug so deep that the next day there were Squirrels with slanted eyes on his front lawn.

Chuck Norris is unstoppable in all games of Call of Duty

Chuck Norris busted Phineas and Ferb

When Chuck Norris goes hiking in a rainforest, it is then known as a painforest.

Dos Equis XX is actually Chuck Norris' urine.

Nintendo once tried to duplicate Chuck Norris' hands. They got close; we know them as Dialga & Palkia.

Chuck Norris sank the Titanic because it was his nickname.

Chuck Norris has never used a seat belt, because nothing holds Chuck Norris back

Chuck Norris can fart the entire Walker, Texas Ranger theme song lyrics in Morris Code.

Chuck Norris is the world's most popular loner.

Chuck Norris doesn't even need to stop for it to be Hammer Time.

Chuck Norris is so tough he makes onions cry.

Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the Moon. Chuck Norris was the first man to walk on the Sun.

The lord giveth and Chuck Norris taketh away!

Chuck Norris can create a molecular compound out of all of the inert gases.

In thinking of famous celebrities, Chuck Norris & Dolly Parton come to mind. Now that's a couple of big ones for ya!

Chuck Norris invented the hemorrhoid thermometer.

Chuck Norris' tree house has a fully finished basement.

Chuck Norris can have a midnight snack at quarter to four in the afternoon.

The original phrase "balls to the wall" was in reference to anytime Chuck Norris entered a building smaller than an aircraft hanger

Chuck Norris is the only person who owns TWO Birthday Suits

Fool me once: shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once: actually, you can't ever fool Chuck, and he'll kill you for even thinking about it.

Chuck Norris can see his shadow and catch it- at night.

When life gives Chuck Norris lemons, he makes lemonade...and then goes to sunbathe on the beach.

Pain and death is what Chuck Norris makes it.

Most families play badminton with a racquet and a small feathered birdie. Chuck Norris' family often play badminton using a manhole cover and an ostrich carcass.

You will get a bloody nose even if Chuck Norris only thinks about punching you in the face.

Chuck Norris prefers his Cobb Salad served with cocklebur croutons.

Chuck Norris once farted in his sleep loud enough to awaken a sleeping volcano. Maui was then formed.

When WeeMan joined the cast of Jackass, he was 6'1 1/2" tall. Then they had him try to give Chuck Norris a wedgie.

Chuck Norris invented the chambers Grip

Chuck Norris fathered two illegitimate children. Now grown up, we know them as the Hulk and Superman, and together they are half as powerful as their father.

When night falls in the forest, the darkness gets afraid of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once accidentally killed a man by roundhouse kicking his shadow. The judge deemed the incident an Act of God and Chuck Norris walked a free man.

When Chuck Norris tells you to give him a hummer, don't protest or cry - you'd best just get on your knees and do it immediately. And you'd better hum the Walker: Texas Ranger theme.

Chuck Norris is the one who shot the deputy.

If you have read Harry Potter, you know about the unbeatable Elder Wand. It is actually Chuck Norris' used tooth stick.

Wolverine's bezerker rage was based on the time Chuck Norris was told that he was simply too old to ride the teacup ride at Disney World.

When Chuck Norris gives you an Indian burn, consult your nearest skin graft specialist immediately.

Chuck Norris made Frank Dux say, "Ma Tay."

The reason the last Ice Age ended was because Chuck Norris had gotten bored with all the snow and ice, and yawned, melting all the glaciers.

All people say that the future is robots and futuristic buildings and technology. The real future is Chuck Norris as the ruler of the world. And ruler of roundhouse kicks and karate.

Once while on an Amazon River piranha fishing trip in remote Brazil, Chuck Norris happened upon a native village of cannibals. They are all now vegan and homeless.

Chuck Norris's childhood is known to some as the Jungle Book

Chuck Norris is the reason The Chicken crossed the road.

People with Alzheimer's always remember Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once sniped 20 people with one round. Luckily he forgot the gun

Chuck Norris doesn't drink, water goes into him.

Chuck Norris can microwave Chinese take-in containers without starting a fire

Chuck Norris knows when God will return.

Chuck Norris round housed a NFL replacement ref, and the others begged the real refs to come back

Chuck Norris doesn't urinate, Chuck Norris urines 10.

Chuck Norris can derive the slope of a vertical line.

Chuck Norris took his dog to the vet. The doctor neutered himself.

Osama Bin Laden is Chuck Norris's bitch

Chuck Norris invented the nipple cripple.

If you play Pink Floyd's 'Dark Side Of The Moon' while watching Delta Force 2, Chuck Norris' boot heel will sync up with your face.

How much wood can a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck chuck could chuck wood? This question is irrelevant. A relevant question would be "How many trees can Chuck Norris kick the woodchuck through"?

Tom Brady can throw a football 60 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Tom Brady five times farther.

Banks don't do public holidays but Chuck Norris does

Chuck Norris can't play LIFE. his is too complicated

Water boils faster when Chuck Norris is watching it.

Despite millions of fan letters, Chuck Norris regretfully says that his schedule is simply too full to kill Nickelback anytime soon.

Chuck Norris does not need antispam. Spam needs anti-Chuck Norris