All Chuck Norris Facts

*Eminem meets Chuck Norris* Eminem: I'm not afraid of you. Chuck Norris: I love the way you lie.

Chuck Norris completed the Tough Guy Challenge by doing nothing.

Chuck Norris can light a fire.... underwater.

Chuck Norris can cover a Beatles song on Youtube and won't get comments saying he ruined the song.

Chuck Norris has a smiley-face tattooed on his choad.

Chuck Norris created the Universe. Astrophysicist Stephen Hawking has apologized for the "Big Bang" theory.

Chuck Norris can turn lead into uranium.

Most people receive Chuck Norris' kicks while he is wearing his cowboy boots. Receiving a bare-feet Chuck Norris roundhouse kick is considered auspicious in some countries.

Super Mario was based on Chuck Norris, in that as a young man, Norris briefly worked as a plumber. And he loves to take mushrooms and stomp defenseless turtles to death

When God said "let there be light", he first asked Chuck Norris if it was ok...

Sharks have a whole week dedicated to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris owns a chain of Starchucks along the Pacific north-west, for all your coffee, alcohol and firearms needs.

Chuck Norris is a seperate brach of the service, with its own academy and fight song, the theme from "Walker, Texas Ranger".

Who let Chuck Norris out?Who,who,who?...ofcourse Chuck Norris!

Chuck Norris keeps a small collapsable guillotine in the trunk of his Hummer.

Chuck Norris got his drivers licence at age, 16.... Seconds.

Chuck Norris names ships by pissing into the sides of them.

Chuck Norris can fart the lyrics to "Wooly Bully" in Morris Code.

Errol Flynn once tried to grow a Chuck Norris beard. Which of course is why he died such a brutally violent death.

Casinos pay Chuck Norris not to play at anything or wish anyone good luck.

When Chuck Norris was 5, he went to the Mall to see Santa. Santa asked "what would you like little boy, a train set? A bike? Chuck replied "no Santa, I want a rocket launcher".

Chuck Norris played chicken with a train...and won.

Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris won an Olympic Gold Medal in the Men's Singles Luge competition while riding down the ice on a pair of hair tweezers.

Chuck Norris once ordered a Big Mac at a Catholic confession booth, and he fucking well got it. He then reversed his Hummer back through the hole in the wall.

Chuck Norris has slapped a load of ass in his day. And by 'his day', he always means today.

A roundhouse kick to the crotch from Chuck Norris cures AIDS. Its too bad no one can survive a roundhouse kick.

Sharon Stone parted her legs for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is FAR too sexy for Right Said Fred.

Chuck Norris created the Chinese basketball player, Yao Ming by means of torture stretching a sumo wrestler on "the rack".

Chuck Norris can milk a bucket with a cow.

If all the army's in world were to wage war on Chuck Norris he would just cough and they would be dead

The back of Chuck Norris' hands are always speckled with bone marrow.

Chuck Norris can whistle "Dixie" in reverse.

Anthrax is reverse-engineered from Chuck Norris' white blood cells and was originally called Chuckthrax.

Chuck Norris once milked a honey badger.

Chuck Norris was once minted on the dollar bill, but after thousands died, it became apparent that no-one pays out Chuck Norris and lives.

Chuck Norris favorite cartoon TV show is WWE.

When the Lone Ranger & Tonto challenged Chuck Norris to a game of 8 ball, Chuck Norris racked thier balls.

The hills are alive with the sound of Chuck Norris' dong slapping against his legs while he walks.

Two Mary Kay salesmen knocked on Chuck Norris' door. They introduced themselves as Ben Dover & Phil McCrakin. They are no longer in business together.

After Chuck Norris ate a shrimp cocktail & a peanut butter sandwich, he won this year's Nobel Prize in Medicine for ridding the world of anaphylactic shock.

Chuck Norris knows how much wood a woodchuck would chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

When Chuck Norris plays football, he uses his foot and your balls.

When life gives Chuck Norris lemons, he demands oranges and gets them.

The secret to the B-2 Stealth Bomber's technology is it contains Chuck Norris's beard. Only 21 were ever built as Chuck Norris has only shaved 21 times.

any thing you can do he can do better, Chuck Norris can do anything better than you

One time Jason Voorhees made fun of Chuck Norris during a hockey game. He roundhouse kicked Jason in the face so hard, he melded the goalie mask to his face, broke his vocal cords, and messed up his brain so much, he became a serial killer.

Chuck Norris once made his Kindergarten teacher spit out her gum.

When Chuck Norris goes to a strip club, the strippers pay him before their performances.

Chuck Norris was on one part on Titanic.... He was the iceberg!

Chuck Norris can piss into the wind and not get wet.

Chuck Norris wants a bath. A BLOOD BATH!

If Chuck Norris has 3 pieces of pizza, and you take two away..... you have about 1 second to give them back..

Chuck Norris only uses his gunsights as bottle-openers.

Consider it a bad sign and fair warning if you ever hear Chuck Norris humming the opening to 'The Final Countdown'.

Chuck Norris found Carmen Sandiego and promptly boned her.

Chuck Norris' personal foot masseuse has 2 permanent black eyes, 7 broken ribs, a bloody nose and a dislodged jaw.

Lord Voldemort refers Chuck Norris as He-Who-Should-Not-Be-Named.

Chuck Norris farted and created the universe

Chuck Norris won the 1982 World Series of Poker with a 2 of clubs, 7 of hearts, jack of diamonds, a skip card from Uno, and a blank bingo card.

Chuck Norris can speak Chinese in German in French in Hindu in English in Algebra in blue in cup with a hint of Russian in Scottish in Canadian

God said, "Let there be light!" to which Chuck Norris replied, "Shut the fuck up".

When Chuck Norris says 'pull my finger', consider that a polite warning that you very soon will be atomized.

Chuck Norris can kill the chicken in Zelda.

Chuck Norris? never heard of her.

After watching the movie 'Titanic', Chuck Norris had tears in his eyes. Tears of laughter.

Chuck Norris perms his knucklehair.

Chuck Norris's dog doesn't know who's a good boy.

Chuck Norris once got aids. He sent them on an espionage mission to Phuket, Thailand, and they all got AIDS.

If you go to howstuffworks.com and type 'Chuck Norris', when you press enter you will be immediately electrocuted.

Chuck Norris was named valedictorian of his high school on the first day of his freshman year.

When Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicks your ass you say thank you sir may I have another.

Chuck Norris once rocked so hard in an AC/DC concert that it was felt even in 1906. They called it the great San Francisco earthquake.

Chuck Norris knows the differance between a cow's tail and a beer tap handle.

The band Panic At The Disco got their name when Chuck Norris visited Studio 54.

The word 'frankly' sounds so heavy because a guy named Frank once raised his eyebrows at Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris pees out lightning and poos out fist.

The Hiroshima and Nagasaki nuclear explosions were NOT caused by Fat Man and Little Boy. They were caused by two Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks!

Chuck Norris hijacked Noah's ark during the flood.

Sure, you can beat eggs, you can beat a drum, you can beat your wife & kids, you can even beat your meat. But you can't beat Chuck Norris at anything.

Chuck Norris eats nails for breakfast and craps out screws.

Chuck Norris is imortal because death is hidding from him.

SpongeBob SquarePants once called Chuck Norris a Crabby Patty sissy boy. An angy Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked SpongeBob in the ass so hard that he had to legally change his name to SpongeBob NoRectumPants.

Chuck Norris can blow candles back on.

Chuck Norris once received an 'employee of the month' award for a company he didn't even work for.

In Las Vegas casinos, Chuck Norris can fold and still win...in blackjack.

The problem of illegal immigration can be dramatically curtailed, if we put Chuck Norris at the border.

Chuck Norris is Bruce Lee's trainer

Little known fact: Chuck Norris actually discovered the theory of relativity tattooed on his ass after a weekend in Vegas.

Chuck Norris has seen it all, and done it all, so many times that he has long ago lost count.

Chuck Norris was orginally casted as the main character for salt but then they changed it to Angelia Jolie, look at her face now.

Doctors had to resort to inserting a photon torpedo suppository & detonation in order to cure Chuck Norris of a severe case of colorectal parasitic infection.

Catholics believe the Pope is the vicar of Christ. Jesus was the vicar of Chuck Norris.

Rock, Paper, Scissors, Chuck Norris wins.

When Chuck Norris raises his voice, local cats go into a blood frenzy

Chuck Norris is who tells Fatcat to go to bed at 7:30 PM

Chuck Norris once ate a cactus whole. When asked how he was feeling, he replied "Happy Pappy bang bang!" Then shat his pants

Chuck Norris once had pink eye. It is more commonly known as the black death.

Chuck Norris can walk with the animals, talk with the animals; grunt and squeak and squawk with the animals... and the animals, without fail, always say 'yessir Mr. Norris'.