All Chuck Norris Facts

The Vatican conclave of voting Cardinals burn Chuck Norris dingleberries to create the white smoke that signals the election of a new Pope.

Once a panhandler approached Chuck Norris and asked him for some change. Chuck Norris generously gave the poor man a quarter roundhouse kick and sent him hurtling into outer space at the speed of light.

A good golfer can often make a 'birdie'. Better golfers frequently get an 'eagle'. Chuck Norris always gets a 'condor'.

Chuck Norris' face was going to be on Mt. Rushmore, but the granite wasn't tough enough for his beard

Nerdi, I believe that the joke posted to below this is the worst I have ever heard; therefore, I will create a better version. Chuck Norris doesn't breath air, his lungs generate their own air out of fear.

Jesus carried his cross to Calvary where he was crucified. Chuck Norris carries planets wherever he goes for fun.

Chuck Norris built the hospital he was born in

Chuck Norris once stabbed a man with a bowling ball.

Chuck Norris invented legs just so he'd have two more things to beat you with when his fists got bored.

Chuck Norris only ever broke a sweat once, because it stayed broken.

Chuck Norris can play New Super Mario Bros. 2 on an X-Box 360. He can also play Sonic The Hedgehog 2006 on a Nintendo 3DS.

During a recent talk show interview Chuck Norris was asked what he thought of Justin Bieber. Chuck said he thought Bieber was a waste of perfectly good toilet paper.

Chuck Norris recently set a land-speed record at the Bonneville Salt Flats while riding on a pogo stick.

Chuck Norris knows all the words in the dictionary, except the word "Mercy".

When Chuck Norris does a titty twister, it's so painful, Chuck could tear the flesh off.

When Chuck Norris claps with one hand, the sound is deafening.

There is no "i" in team, because Chuck Norris gouged it out.

Chuck Norris once dipped an elephant's nose in a pile of cocaine then rammed it up Ricarhd Gere's ass.

Chuck Norris found 1000 mini nukes and 1 Fat Man after leaving his vault.

Chuck Norris once completed 40 hours of work in 4 hours, including 15 minutes for a coffee break.

Chuck Norris can do an instrumental a Capella.

always face your fears... uless your fear is Chuck Norris, then run for your life!!

Chuck Norris briefly replaced Flea in the Red Hot Chili Peppers in the early 80's. He had to wear two socks.

Chuck Norris' favourite word: chunk.

The US army gave Osama Bin Laden's head to Chuck Norris. It now adorns the hood of his Hummer, which can be seen cruising through the streets of Abbotabad, Pakistan, with the song 'We Are The Champions' blaring from its speakers.

Chuck Norris takes his temperature with a measuring spoon.

Chuck Norris doesn't get ready for work in the morning. Work gets ready for Chuck Norris.

In 1957 while in Elementary school Chuck Norris drew a sketch of a square apparatus with astonishing details. 50 years later, Apple used that same sketch to design and develop what we know now as... the ipad.

Chuck Norris gave the Pope permission to have a cuncubine.

Chuck Norris wears a size 2 ballet slipper.

Chuck Norris once won a D 1 Drifting Championship by driving a smart car with no motor,tranny,wheels or tires...come to think of it he was merely running sidways while making scretching noises

Chuck Norris once said 'To be or not to be, who gives a shit?' William Shakespaere stole and modified this quote, which is why he died such a violent death.

Chuck Norris can watch 3-D movies wearing only a monocle.

Harper Lee's classic novel's original title: 'To Kill A Mockingbird, Simply Tell Chuck Norris It Shat On His Ferrari'

If Chuck Norris ever ruined your life, you'd probably want to kill him. But you couldn't.

When hitler killed himself it was because he saw Chuck Norris .

Chuck Norris doesn't kick people to the sun,he kicks the sun to people

Slenderman once found Chuck Norris and then he came up and roundhouse kicked Slenderman in the face 100 times

Chuck Norris once cast his fishing line into the Bearing Sea and caught a 176 lb halibut from his patio lawn chair in southern Oklahoma.

Chuck Norris can drink water in a saucer.

Chuck Norris' father is Chuck Norris, his mother is America, his brother is freedom and his other brother is Sam... Sam Norris. Chuck Norris loves his family dearly, except for Sam, that is why Sam no longer exists.

Chuck Norris doen't always drink beer. But when he does, he prefers to roundhouse kick "The Most Interesting Man in the World" in the face and take his Dos Equis. "Stay thirsty my friends".

At his wedding, Chuck Norris' first dance number was to 'Lord Of This World' by Black Sabbath.

when a robber steal stuff from people they say its like taking candy from a baby. but when they steal from Chuck Norris it's not as easy as they think.

Chuck Norris can just wright a random number and the math problem is right

Chuck Norris knows where your car is - in his stomach.

Chuck Norris wants all South Carolina beach goers to feel safe because he will personally be extracting all the teeth from all area sharks this 4th of July weekend.

Chuck Norris puts the FUN in Funeral.

Chuck Norris doesn't use tent pegs. He puts claw hammers through the loops before pushing them into the ground using only his eyes.

Chuck Norris once punched Jean-Claude Van Damme in his career.

Iron Maiden wrote the song "Run to the hills" after their brief encounter with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can punch you so hard that your blood will bleed.

Chuck Norris likes to bring a knife to a gunfight.

Remember the big bang theory, that day Chuck Norris got pissed.

When Clarke Kent goes into a phonebox Superman comes out. When Chuck Norris goes into a phonebox... Chuck Norris comes out.

A carjacker attempted to take Chuck Norris' Lexus. Chuck pulled him through the window, stuffed the jacker's head up his own ass, then threw him back out the window. Chuck then went for coffee at Starbucks.

When Chuck Norris Kills someone they dont go to heaven or hell or even get reincarnated... its like they never exsisted in the first place.

Chuck Norris can blow up a steel wall by touching it with his left pinkie toe.

Chuck Norris filmed the making of the first camera.

A Chuck Norris flying roundhouse kick to the buttocks has been known to cause an infected, yellow pus filled abscess in hemorrhoidal tissue.

The eleventh Commandment: 'Disregard all of the above when Chuck Norris tells you to do his bidding.'

Chuck Norris's belly button does'nt collect lint, it collects steel wool.

Chuck Norris does not walk. The Earth rotates for him out of sheer terror.

Chuck Norris was not born. He kicked his mother off of him.

Chuck Norris once defeated the Statue of Liberty in a Stop Dance Contest.... at kindergarten!

Chuck Norris was hiking and came face to face with Sasquatch. There was IMMEDIATE PANIC, then the Sasquatch was seen running screaming into the woods.

Chuck Norris knows that the world isn't flat...but with one punch, it could be.

Do not stare at Chuck Norris' beard, or it may feel threatened and leap off his face and smother you to death.

Chuck Norris didn't vote this year...he delegated.

Chuck Norris once struck lightning

There is no such thing as global warming, just Chuck Norris farting after him eating a bean burrito.

Chuck Norris once made a 367 yard putt with a ping-pong ball.

If you ever dream of beating Chuck Norris in a thumb war, the next event in said dream will be a 6734-ton weight falling on you. This is Chuck Norris's roundhouse kick.

Ouija Boards have recently been re-designed to have 'CHUCK NORRIS' written in the center.

Chuck Norris fairly warned Tony Siragusa to not use Depends to "protect his manhood" before racking him in the balls.

Chuck Norris has never been dubbed in any film, because his fists do the talking.

Chuck Norris once ran a quarter mile in 3.7 seconds, while pulling an 18-wheeler in wet cement.

Chuck Norris can chew glass back into sand.

Chuck Norris is the only computer system that beats a Mac or a PC. Too bad all it does is round house kicks the user.

Chuck Norris knows exactly how many licks it takes to reach the center of a tootsipop.

Chuck Norris doesn't need a Total Gym to work out the Total Gym needs Chuck Norris to work out.

Chuck Norris can hit a barn door with a broad's side.

For Chuck Norris, post-coitus and post-mortem mean the same damn thing.

A comet will erase the human race, the sciencists called the comet Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is FATHER Nature.

If light is the fastest traveling element known, then Chuck Norris is not an element

Chuck Norris won the America's Cup sailing in a rubber raft.

Chuck Norris can jump...without leaving the ground.

Chuck Norris knew that Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker's father before the end of the first movie.

President Reagan's "Star Wars" anti-missile plan was just a cover for his true idea to destroy incoming Soviet nukes: Chuck Norris in his backyard ready to shoot them down with his M-16. Secret tests showed that no missiles ever got past Chuck.

Chuck Norris can send text messages in braille.

Chuck Norris tore Saxton Hale's chest hair off in such a way that... well, look at Saxton hale's chest! Chuck Norris is pretty darn precise.

Chuck Norris jumped out of the Godly tree and roundhouse-kicked every branch on the way.

Chuck Norris is what ancient Greeks used to protect their mazes.

Even if Chuck Norris is entirely tied with metal chains, he'll still kick your ass

Chuck Norris sold a Henckels 18 piece knife block set to a Cutco sales representative.

Chuck Norris' leg kicks hit hard enough to knock the polio vaccine out of your body

Chuck Norris knows Chivalry is dead. He was the one who killed it.

Chuck Norris doesn't need missiles to bomb other countries, he just sends them copies of his old movies.

If you line jump for a new iPad infront of Chuck Norris at the midnight openning at Best Buy, you will instantly learn the true meaning of Black Friday...if you ever come out of your coma.