All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris went as himself for Halloween; He got twice as much candy as everybody

Chuck Norris gave 5 of his old watches to some teenages. Those teenagers are now known as the Power-Rangers

When you read a book about Chuck Norris it kills you.

The only type of fever Chuck Norris ever gets is disco fever.

Chuck Norris was once so drunk that he tripped and the ejecta that was launched into outer space formed the moon.

Chuck Norris does not need oxygen to breath

Chuck Norris makes gorilla buiscuts by slamming Kelly Osbourne's face into cookie dough.

"Death be not proud: you're nowhere near as threatening as Chuck Norris."

Pavlov used to shit his pants every time Chuck Norris rang his doorbell.

Chuck Norris broke the sound barrier whilst head banging

Fun Fact: If you piss off Chuck Norris... HE WILL DESTROY YOU!!

Chuck Norris will never kill any man that is wearing a red toupee unless it looks better than his.

Chuck Norris can suffocate a plastic bag, with a human.

Chuck Norris can kill you with a moist towelette

Chuck Norris was originally going to star in the movie 127 Hours, but was dropped when producers relized they would have to change the name of the movie to 8.3 Seconds.

What is the difference between a diamond and Chuck Norris? Well one is the strongest substance on earth, the other is just compressed carbon.

Chuck Norris can play Blue's Clues. Without Clues.

When Chuck Norris air guitars, you can hear it playing.

Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked the Earth, It's been spinning ever since....

If Chuck Norris tried to punch himself he would deflect each blow creating an infinite loop. A paradox nobody can solve, except Chuck Norris.

Taxi drivers pay Chuck Norris when he gets in their cabs.

Chuck Norris is suing the Korean pop singer PSY for copyright infringement on the phrase Gangnam Style and the horse riding dance

When landing on the moon, Neil Armstrong actually said, 'one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind... and please, Chuck Norris, don't kill me for being the first.'

Bruce Spingsteen calls Chuck Norris "The Boss".

King Solomom had 300 concubines, Chuck Norris' concubine was King Solomon

Chuck Norris auditioned for the roll of the terminator. He was turned down because it would just be a biography of his life.

Chuck Norris doesn't need vacuum to clean kis carpet he makes the carpet clean itself

Last year, Chuck Norris was voted "The Most Valuable Employee" at 27 businesses that he has never worked for.

Chuck Norris was recently transported to a Waco, TX hospital Emergency Room. Once there, he supervised clean up the blood, hair and skull fragments of his most recent beatings.

Chuck Norris is brimming with so much testosterone-fueled badassery, that your balls will twitch at the sight of him.

When Chuck Norris kills you, you get a high-five from God.

Chuck Norris rode his sway-backed mule named Thudly to the 2014 Kentucky Derby winners circle.

Chuck Norris don't lay down the law - he picks it up and inserts it in you.

Chuck Norris doesn't laugh in the face of danger. He punches it repeatedly until it's the face of fear.

Chuck Norris walked into a tattoo parlour, with a 0.50 cal machine gun. After telling the artist what he wanted, he declined the needle and pointed at the machine gun.

god created the world, because Chuck Norris let him

Chuck Norris can drink a bucket of KFC.

Chuck Norris put the I in IPhone with a real human eye

The word "pain" is coined after Chuck Norris.

That's not Chuck Norris doing push-ups, That's Chuck Norris moving the earth out of the path of a deadly asteroid.

the planets do not revolve around sun, Chuck Norris just refuses to let them leave

Chuck Norris can bitch slap a skunk and not get sprayed.

You don't question Chuck Norris, because if you do, he'll drink a liter of liquid egg, then punch your sternum so hard that you'll vomit bloody stool.

Chuck Norris shoved a Saint Bernard up Richard Gere's ass.

Two And A Half Men was originally Seventy-Eight And a Half Men and a show only about Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' favorite breakfast cereals are Chucky Charms and Count Chuckula.

Chuck Norris was once in a car accident and broke both of his legs... He still managed to walk it off.

Chuck Norris scratches that hard-to-reach spot on his back with his chin stubble.

James Bond says his name twice to introduce himself. Chuck Norris just roundhouse kicks you in the face.

At school, Chuck Norris' nickname was 'Chuck Norris'.

Chuck Norris can smell what you had for dinner... three weeks ago

Little known fact: Chuck Norris moved to Yugoslavia in the early nineties. They then renamed the country "Yudontgotoslavia"

Chuck Norris owns all of the No. 1 pencils.

Chuck Norris has two types of hearing, two types of smell, and nine types of sight. And 52 types of kickass.

Isla Nublar and Isla Sorna are Chuck Norris' vacation islands

Chuck Norris once watched an episode of Friends and saw an African-American with a major role.

Every time Chuck Norris leaves a room, the song "There Goes My Hero" starts playing out of nowhere.

Chuck Norris can ram your teeth so far down your throat that you will need to sit on your food just to eat it.

Once again, Chuck Norris allows the skinny black guy to pretend that he's running America for another four years.

Darth Vader once tried to choke Chuck Norris but he won't be trying it again.

bigfoot doesn't exist, parker just took a picture after Chuck Norris went on a camping trip and moths ate his clothes.

Chuck Norris' nutsack is pepperoni flavored.

Chuck Norris has been known to make a woman climax just by being within 10 feet of her.

Chuck Norris was actually Spartacus.

When The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse entered this world, the first person they met was Chuck Norris. They now bunk at his horse ranch in Texas and clean the manure from the stables every morning.

The plastic flamingoes on Chuck Norris' front lawn contain motion-activated laser-sighted miniguns. The rosebush houses the SSMs.

Chuck Norris once made 30,000 pounds of coal out of a 1/4 carat diamond.

Absolute zero has two definitions: 1) The coldest temperature possible. 2) Your chances of survival in a fight with Chuck Norris.

If Chuck Norris slaps you on the right cheek, you'll turn inside out

Grizzlys shriek white in terror upon seeing Chuck Norris, today they are a protected species known as Polar Bears.

Putin: We have the best nuclear weapons Obama: We have Chuck Norris

Very few Chuck Norris Facts apply to our universe. However, Chuck Norris has not ever said which ones they are, so it's best not to take any risks.

Chuck Norris went back in time and killed all his great-grandparents just to trip everybody out.

The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost exist because Chuck Norris ripped God into three separate entities.

Chuck Norris gets more ass than a toilet seat at taco bell.

Did you know that Chuck Norris was in every Star Wars movie? He was "The Force".

Chuck Norris can cough in 7 different languages.

Chuck Norris Don't Need To Eat, He Will Find You.

Chuck Norris owns the world's only working proton pack. He has used it once, to kill some noisy neighbours, then catch their souls.

Chuck Norris doesn't want to build a snowman.

Chuck Norris pisses gold and craps chocolate.

Chuck Norris explains, his daily swim across the Pacific is the reason why he is so fit.

Superman actually has two weaknesses Kryptonite and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once stopped a runaway locamotive just by glaring at it.

After a pick up game of basketball, Chuck Norris made 42 baskets out of 30 attempts.

Chuck Norris went to the virgin isles and when he came bak they were just called the isles

There was no potato famine in Ireland. Chuck Norris just had the munchies on the way back from Amsterdam.

Betty Davis has Chuck Norris eyes

Chuck Norris can lick his eyebrows and breathe through his ears. That's why the ladies love him so much.

A Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to your solar plexus will cause your toenails to crack.

Sasquatch brings Chuck Norris Jack Links beef jerky.

When Chuck Norris watches Barney & Friends, Barney doesn't sing songs.

Jean-Claude Van Damme once attempted to throw a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. He was immediately arrested for fraud.

Chuck Norris knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsee Pop.

Chuck Norris can cure your cataracts with taser eye surgery.

When Chuck Norris comes to an open door, he always closes it so he can then kick it the fuck in.

Chuck Norris doesn't defy gravity. He simply kicks it in the nuts.

When feeling bored just ring up Chuck Norris and he will cure you with his medicine which is your ass being whupped

The Killers sang 'I've got soul but I'm not a soldier'. It's vice-versa for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.