All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris only sneezes once. The second sneeze is afraid to follow.

Paper never rips when Chuck Norris handles it. Paper wants to make a good impression.

Chuck Norris can whisper and still break glass.

Chuck Norris doesn't pay taxes. The government thanks him for not charging them for the security he provides.

Chuck Norris has never received a participation trophy. He only receives first place.

The plus sign in mathematics was invented by Chuck Norris. It originally saluted.

The sound of silence was recorded in Chuck Norris's presence.

Time once stopped for Chuck Norris. He told it to get back to work.

Chuck Norris once walked into a bar. The bar immediately straightened up and behaved.

Chuck Norris's heartbeat is the official standard for the musical tempo of 120 BPM.

Chuck Norris can slam a glass of water. Without spilling.

Chuck Norris checked his own math homework. The textbook had to change its answers.

Chuck Norris eats cereal without milk. Milk makes the cereal soft and he is opposed to that.

Chuck Norris doesn't use escalators. He invented them for other people to keep up with him.

Chuck Norris invented a fourth option in Rock Paper Scissors called Dynamite. He never uses it. He doesn't need to.

Cheese never grows mold in Chuck Norris's fridge. Mold is afraid to start.

Chuck Norris wrote the first dictionary. With his fist.

Duct tape asks Chuck Norris for repair advice.

Chuck Norris's zip code is just his name. Mail always finds him.

Chuck Norris burns enough calories in one workout to power a small city.

Balloons don't pop around Chuck Norris. They wouldn't dare.

Chuck Norris has never experienced brain freeze. His brain would never submit.

Chuck Norris doesn't check his blind spot. There are no blind spots when Chuck Norris drives.

Chuck Norris once skipped a stone across the Atlantic Ocean. It landed in a different era.

Spiders in Chuck Norris's house weave in a roundhouse kick pattern.

Chuck Norris never has an incomplete checklist. The tasks finish themselves.

Chuck Norris doesn't walk on the dark side of the moon. He IS the dark side of the moon.

Chuck Norris built the first telescope by forming one with his hands.

Dark matter is just Chuck Norris's shadow.

Supernovas are stars exploding from applauding Chuck Norris too hard.

The Milky Way was formed when Chuck Norris spilled his coffee.

The North Star exists because Chuck Norris needs a nightlight.

Comets change their trajectory to avoid Chuck Norris.

The asteroid belt is Chuck Norris's discarded jewelry.

Chuck Norris once sent a radio signal into space. Aliens replied asking him to stop.

The Moon's gravitational pull is Chuck Norris's resting muscle tension.

Bears hibernate to avoid Chuck Norris during winter.

Eagles ask Chuck Norris for permission before landing.

The tortoise beat the hare. Chuck Norris beat the tortoise without moving.

Cats always land on their feet because Chuck Norris taught them.

Whales learned their songs from Chuck Norris. He only sang once.

Octopuses have eight arms because one tried to shake hands with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once trained a colony of ants to march in military formation. The ants still do it.

Penguins gave up flying to appear less threatening to Chuck Norris.

Dolphins developed sonar to detect Chuck Norris from farther away.

Wolves were not raised by humans. One wolf was raised by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can format a hard drive with a single gaze.

Chuck Norris built the first firewall. With actual fire.

Chuck Norris once hacked NASA by accident. He was checking the weather.

The internet runs faster when Chuck Norris is nearby.

Chuck Norris can 3D print without a machine. He sculpts atoms individually.

Chuck Norris has never forgotten a password. Neither has the website.

Every AI ever created was secretly trained on Chuck Norris's life story.

Chuck Norris can express any thought in one character. Twitter once limited him.

Chuck Norris can print a document without a printer.

Chuck Norris can debug code by staring at it.

Chuck Norris once taught the sun how to rise. Before that it just wobbled.

Chuck Norris finished a crossword puzzle before it was even printed.

Chuck Norris doesn't see two sides to every argument. He sees four.

Chuck Norris once corrected Shakespeare's grammar. Shakespeare changed it.

Chuck Norris doesn't dream in color. He dreams in a fifth dimension.

Chuck Norris is the only human who fully understands cats. Cats respect him for keeping it secret.

Encyclopaedia Britannica once asked Chuck Norris to fact-check their work. He found mistakes.

Chuck Norris is a chess grandmaster. He plays checkers just to be fair to others.

Chuck Norris once wrote the entire Bible in two hours. He thought it was too short.

Chuck Norris once solved a 40-year cold case by glancing at the file.

Chuck Norris once won a tug-of-war by himself. Against a locomotive.

Chuck Norris doesn't lift weights. He gives them the honor of being lifted.

When Chuck Norris cracks his knuckles it registers as thunder.

Every time Chuck Norris does a push-up, seismologists record a tremor.

Scientists confirmed Chuck Norris's fist could shatter a diamond. The diamond agreed to the test voluntarily.

Chuck Norris's abs have deflected bullets. The bullets apologized.

Chuck Norris can split an atom with a karate chop.

Chuck Norris's warm-up routine is bicep curling an oil tanker.

Chuck Norris doesn't use a bowling ball. He uses his finger.

Chuck Norris invented gravity. The apple asked permission before falling on Newton.

Chuck Norris's roundhouse kick measured 9.8 on the Richter scale. While in space.

Chuck Norris's IQ is the same as his black belt size. Both are off the charts.

Chuck Norris once broke a mirror. He got seven years of good luck.

Chuck Norris once lost his watch. He simply decided what time it was and moved on.

The speed of darkness is measured by how fast it runs from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has finished the internet. He was disappointed.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Chuck Norris can tap out Morse code with his eyelids. Simultaneously in three languages.

Chuck Norris once lapped the entire Earth while standing still. The Earth moved.

Chuck Norris once barked at a dog. The dog learned English.

Mosquitoes that bite Chuck Norris immediately develop six-pack abs.

Chuck Norris once trained a hummingbird to fly in slow motion.

Chuck Norris once disciplined a cat. The cat became a dog.

Chuck Norris once stared at a school of fish. They immediately failed.

Chuck Norris's smartwatch tells him whatever time he decides it is.

Chuck Norris once hacked a bank by walking past it.

Chuck Norris can fix a computer by hitting it. The computer thanks him.

Chuck Norris's computer doesn't freeze. It politely pauses.

Chuck Norris can sneeze faster than the speed of sound. The sound apologizes for being slow.

Chuck Norris's handshake is classified as a weapon of mass persuasion.

Chuck Norris doesn't need an alarm clock. The sun sets an alarm for him.

Chuck Norris can hear a pin drop from a different country.

Chuck Norris passed second grade on the first try.

Chuck Norris doesn't need a GPS. Directions are too afraid to mislead him.