🥋 General Facts

Chuck Norris once got aids. He sent them on an espionage mission to Phuket, Thailand, and they all got AIDS.

If you go to howstuffworks.com and type 'Chuck Norris', when you press enter you will be immediately electrocuted.

Chuck Norris was named valedictorian of his high school on the first day of his freshman year.

When Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicks your ass you say thank you sir may I have another.

Chuck Norris once rocked so hard in an AC/DC concert that it was felt even in 1906. They called it the great San Francisco earthquake.

Chuck Norris knows the differance between a cow's tail and a beer tap handle.

The band Panic At The Disco got their name when Chuck Norris visited Studio 54.

The word 'frankly' sounds so heavy because a guy named Frank once raised his eyebrows at Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris pees out lightning and poos out fist.

The Hiroshima and Nagasaki nuclear explosions were NOT caused by Fat Man and Little Boy. They were caused by two Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks!

Chuck Norris hijacked Noah's ark during the flood.

Sure, you can beat eggs, you can beat a drum, you can beat your wife & kids, you can even beat your meat. But you can't beat Chuck Norris at anything.

Chuck Norris eats nails for breakfast and craps out screws.

Chuck Norris is imortal because death is hidding from him.

SpongeBob SquarePants once called Chuck Norris a Crabby Patty sissy boy. An angy Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked SpongeBob in the ass so hard that he had to legally change his name to SpongeBob NoRectumPants.

Chuck Norris can blow candles back on.

Chuck Norris once received an 'employee of the month' award for a company he didn't even work for.

In Las Vegas casinos, Chuck Norris can fold and still win...in blackjack.

The problem of illegal immigration can be dramatically curtailed, if we put Chuck Norris at the border.

Chuck Norris is Bruce Lee's trainer

Little known fact: Chuck Norris actually discovered the theory of relativity tattooed on his ass after a weekend in Vegas.

Chuck Norris has seen it all, and done it all, so many times that he has long ago lost count.

Chuck Norris was orginally casted as the main character for salt but then they changed it to Angelia Jolie, look at her face now.

Doctors had to resort to inserting a photon torpedo suppository & detonation in order to cure Chuck Norris of a severe case of colorectal parasitic infection.

Catholics believe the Pope is the vicar of Christ. Jesus was the vicar of Chuck Norris.

Rock, Paper, Scissors, Chuck Norris wins.

When Chuck Norris raises his voice, local cats go into a blood frenzy

Chuck Norris is who tells Fatcat to go to bed at 7:30 PM

Chuck Norris once ate a cactus whole. When asked how he was feeling, he replied "Happy Pappy bang bang!" Then shat his pants

Chuck Norris once had pink eye. It is more commonly known as the black death.

Chuck Norris can walk with the animals, talk with the animals; grunt and squeak and squawk with the animals... and the animals, without fail, always say 'yessir Mr. Norris'.

The reason there are so many Chuck Norrisms is because he has not given people permission to stop writing them.

Chuck Norris can kill you with a headshot using a shotgun from across the map on call of duty.

There was a band named the Chuck Norrises. It was then banned because the band threatened the viewers with roundhouse kicks, including Chuck Norris.

Mighty Mouse often sang "Here I Come to Save the Day!" The next and little-known line of that song was "Because Chuck Norris Has My Back!"

Chuck Norris' life is basically a gritty reboot of the concept of grittiness.

Chuck Norris didn't actually invent time travel. His future self taught him how.

Chuck Norris often works out in public. He was spotted last week on Hwy 66 roundhouse kicking tornados as a warm up.

Some people check their horoscope. Chuck Norris consults his Norriscope. It's usually a set of co-ordinates and the words 'KILL' or 'SEX'.

Chuck Norris can outrun an Olympic sprinter. By walking.

Chuck Norris fact: John Merrick was Chuck Norris' identical twin. Chuck kicked his brothers butt inside his mothers womb for sucking on his thumb. John Merrick is known today as the elephant man.

There was a man that had to slay a dragon....But that man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed the man.

When Chuck Norris is a contestant on "Jeopardy," he can answer in any form he damn well chooses.

Elon Musk tried to make the government more efficient with DOGE. Chuck Norris made it efficient decades ago — nobody dared waste his tax money.

People started making the Yo-Mama jokes because they mistook Chuck Norris' bicep for your mother's fat ass.

Did you know? Rick Ross' "You are the Boss " hit was produced by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris's recessive genes dominate everyone else's.

lightening struck Chuck Norris... he struck back

Chuck Norris always puts his occupation as Chuck Norris

Can Chuck Norris make a rock heavy enough that he can't lift it? Of course he can....he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris tied the New Boyz down with one hand behind his back

Bruises are caused by Chuck Norris tapping you with his finger.

When there's something bad in your neighborhood... Who you gonna call? CHUCK NORRIS!

Chuck Norris beat Halo 1 2 and 3 on legendary with a broken guitar hero controller

Chuck Norris is the landlord of the Hall of Justice.

Chuck Norris once decided to sell his saliva as an areosol spray. He called it "WD-40"

Chuck Norris can kill Weegee (a evil invincable clone of luigi) in 1 roundhousekick

The flu was down with a bad case of Chuck Norris.

Metallica's James Hetfield calls himself a table. Chuck Norris just calls himself a winner.

Chuck Norris once told Rage Against The Machine to mellow down and stop being so angry. They broke up the next day and joined Soundgarden.

Chuck Norris discovered the theory of relativity. When Albert Einstein found out he decided to make it public. Chuck Norris got angry and roundhouse kicked him in the face. Albert Einstein is now known as Stephen Hawking.

Chuck Norris once ran a marathon because it was on his way.

Chuck Norris won Iron Chef just by using an easy bake oven.

Chuck Norris is watching you as you read this joke. If you want it to end quickly, don't turn around.

Yahweh strictly adheres to Chuck Norris' first commandment: having no other gods before him.

Chuck Norris always hits the G-spot with mathematical precision.

When the moon hits your eye, like a big pizza pie, that's Chuck Norris.

The reason people think Paul McCartney is dead is because he once made fun of Chuck Norris.

CHuck Norris can start a car simply by running his hands over the dash.

Chuck Norris wants to know how your wife and his kids have been doing lately.

Chuck Norris doesn't take bath, he sheds his skin twice a year.

Chuck Norris EATS three packs of cigarettes a day.

When Chuck Norris breathes there are hurricane warnings

When Chuck Norris does the 'got your nose' thing to kids, it is horrific to behold.

Chuck Norris once performed a vasectomy on a gorilla while it was masterbating over a female in estrous.

Chuck Norris won't be Mr. Rogers' neighbor.

Chuck Norris can finish an "all you can eat" buffet.

Chuck Norris single handedly roundhouse kicked the butt of every player, coach, waterboy and fan of the Florida State University Seminoles football team. They are now known as the Semiholes.

It should be blatantly obvious to all, but it still bears repeating: never, ever, EVER ask Chuck Norris to take his boots off when he enters your house.

Chuck Norris is So Badass, he went to the island of Coradie to kick Ganon's Ass.

It's bad for a black cat if it crosses Chuck Norris' path.

its not the milky way its a cumshot that Chuck Norris missed

Chuck Norris can make a mole hill out of a mountain.

If survival of the fittest was true, Chuck Norris would be the last thing left on earth.

Chuck Norris claims the greatest comedy ever is "Saving Private Ryan"

Chuck Norris invented the kangaroo when he ripped the front legs off a dog and threw it all the way to Australia.

If you toss a coin with Chuck Norris, and say "heads I win, tails you lose" Chuck Norris will still win.

Chuck Norris can make diamonds from belly button lint.

At his wedding, Kanye West spoke for an hour and forty-five minutes about how awesome Chuck Norris is.

Chuck Norris can clip his left hand fingernails...with his left hand!

Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade you've ever tasted.

If you ever try to drop kick Chuck Norris, you should stay down there.

Chuck Norris recently bagged a Grizzley Bear with a Nerf gun.

The flu takes a Chuck Norris shot every year

Chuck Norris is the most venomous thing on earth. After moments of getting bit, you receive the following symptoms: fever, beard rash, tightness of jeans, and the feeling of getting kicked through a car.

Chuck Norris once tore a mattress of it's tag.

If Chuck Norris sneezed over a woman, she becomes pregnant.

Chuck Norris isn't all that interested in astronomy. The only stars Chuck Norris cares about are the 50 on the flag of the USA, the one that's part of his Ranger badge, and the Lone Star of Texas.

Atomic fusion is so powerful, it could power the U.S. for a day. Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick can power the Earth for 1,000 years.

The Kool-Aid Pitcherman busted through the wall of Chuck Norris' livingroom and said, "OH NOOOOOOOO!".