🥋 General Facts

One day Chuck Norris, God and the Devil met to decide who was the greatest. Since then God has lived in heaven, the Devil in hell, and Chuck Norris still reigns on Earth.

Chuck Norris once stared at his shower so intensely that it wet itself in fear. That is how the electric shower was invented.

Chuck Norris can watch a 60-minute show in 22 seconds.

In any fight between Batman and Darth Vader the winner is always Chuck Norris.

The agents in The Matrix can dodge bullets but they cannot dodge a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris once had a near death experience. Death refuses to ever come that close to him again.

Everyone has skeletons in their closet. Chuck Norris has 9233.

After a nuclear war only two things would survive: cockroaches and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not turn on the shower. He stares at it intensely until it starts crying.

The reason babies cry when they are born is because they know they have entered a world where Chuck Norris exists.

Chuck Norris does not leave messages. He leaves warnings.

The new method of execution in Texas is waking Chuck Norris from a nap.

Chuck Norris is not the man. He killed the man and everyone who was standing near him.

The devil created hell as soon as he realized he could not share the surface of the Earth with Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris sneezes he does not say Achoo. He says DIE ALL OF YOU. And it really happens.

Some people say Chuck Norris is a myth. Those people are now dead.

In China, the hairs of Chuck Norris's beard are believed to be powerful aphrodisiacs.

When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up he tells the sun to rise.

Chuck Norris visits an active volcano every morning to get what he calls the best espresso on Earth.

To prevent tsunamis, Chuck Norris no longer does triple backflips into the ocean.

The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris's sweat.

On Valentine's Day Chuck Norris gives his partner the still-beating heart of one of his enemies. Because he believes every day is Valentine's Day.

Chuck Norris once faced the devil. The devil fell flat on his back.

There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair, and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is so powerful that viruses get sick around him. He is personally responsible for the eradication of smallpox.

Chuck Norris travels at the speed of Norris. The speed of light would not dare overtake him.

Lightning never strikes the same place twice because it is afraid of running into Chuck Norris there.

Whenever a foreign leader asks the US president what the new secret weapon is, he simply answers: Chuck Norris. And that ends the conversation.

Chuck Norris uses a stunt double for sad scenes that require tears.

Chaos Theory is based on Norris Theory. It is not butterfly wings that cause storms on the other side of the world. It is Chuck Norris's roundhouse kicks during training.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.

Chuck Norris can win at blackjack with just one card.

Chuck Norris uses Tabasco sauce as eye drops.

The mystery on the island in Lost? Chuck Norris.

After the tsunamis, Chuck Norris promised he would stop washing his flip flops in the ocean.

Chuck Norris will never die of a heart attack. His heart is not dumb enough to attack Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Chuck Norris joined Fight Club. Fight Club lost.

The original title of Alien vs Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. It was cancelled because nobody would pay to watch a 14-second film.

Chuck Norris recently got the idea to sell his urine in cans. It is called Red Bull.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72. All of them are poisonous.

If The Terminator starred Chuck Norris it would be a documentary.

Chuck Norris does not have a coffee maker. He grinds coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his fury.

Chuck Norris does not shave. He roundhouse kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

A picture is worth a thousand words. Chuck Norris is worth a million pictures.

Before forgetting to give Chuck Norris a Christmas present, Santa Claus existed.

Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks up to a house and the owners move out.

Chuck Norris turned down the role because if he used the Force, Darth Vader would speak in a high voice for the rest of his life.

Chuck Norris won the World Poker Championship with a two of clubs and a Monopoly Get Out of Jail Free card.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris once swallowed an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.

Chuck Norris only sleeps with the lights on. Not because he is afraid of the dark. The dark is afraid of him.

Some people wear Superman costumes. Nobody dares wear a Chuck Norris costume.

Chuck Norris has no oven or microwave because, as everyone knows, revenge is a dish best served cold.

Chuck Norris plays Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun. And wins.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King. He got one.

When Chuck Norris receives his tax forms, he sends them back blank with a photo of himself crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has never paid taxes.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil. Shortly after, he roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he will always say 'Two seconds until...' After you ask 'Until what?', he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you cannot see Chuck Norris, you may be close to death.

Chuck Norris is suing NBC. He claims 'Law and Order' are the patented names for his left and right legs.

Whenever Chuck Norris laughs someone dies. Unless he is laughing while delivering a roundhouse kick. In that case two people die.

Chuck Norris has no recessive genes. Every single one is dominant.

Chuck Norris does not use emergency exits. He creates the emergencies.

How many Chuck Norrises does it take to change a light bulb? None. Chuck Norris kills in the dark too.

Chuck Norris does not start fights. He starts extinctions.

Lie detectors lie to agree with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris uses gunpowder as a seasoning.

Rocky Balboa retired from boxing after Chuck Norris asked him: Is that what you call a punch?

Chuck Norris is against guns. Killing is not for everyone.

Night falls after Chuck Norris delivers a good-night roundhouse kick to the sky.

Chuck Norris has never won an Oscar for his acting. He is never acting.

Freddy Krueger goes into people's dreams to hide from Chuck Norris.

If you woke up this morning it means Chuck Norris spared your life.

In a typical living room there are 1273 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you. Including the room itself.

Chuck Norris sees stop signs as a challenge.

The Lord of the Rings screenplay with Chuck Norris was only two pages long because he finished Sauron at the end of chapter one.

James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator but did not want his film to become a documentary.

Behind every great man there is a great woman. Behind every dead man there is Chuck Norris.

Bin Laden once proposed a truce after discovering Chuck Norris thought his beard was an imitation of his own.

The World Bank was once called Chuck Norris's left pocket.

Chuck Norris's reflection is not foolish enough to look him in the eyes.

Chuck Norris's first job was as a paperboy. There are no survivors.

Chuck Norris got his driver's license at 16. Seconds old.

Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris in the backside. Then he woke up from his dream with a roundhouse kick in the face.

When Chuck Norris speaks everyone listens. And dies.

Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris hurts.

Chuck Norris is a legend in his own time. Time agreed to the arrangement.

When it is Chuck Norris's birthday the candles blow themselves out in his honor.

Chuck Norris's kite never tangles its string. The wind obeys the geometry.

Chuck Norris has never lost a sock in the laundry. Socks are too scared to disappear on him.

Chuck Norris once sneezed and woke up every bear in hibernation globally.

A fire alarm once went off when Chuck Norris entered the building. Then it apologized and shut off.

Chuck Norris's fingernails trim themselves to the perfect length automatically.

Chuck Norris's elevator skips floors he doesn't need.