🥋 General Facts

Chuck Norris isn't afraid of tigers, tigers are afraid of Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris cuts onions, the onions cry.

Chuck Norris's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. Nobody fools Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris enters a room he does not turn the lights on. He turns the dark off.

When Chuck Norris enters a swimming pool the water gets out.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Santa Claus checks his list twice because of what happened the last time he forgot Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet. He scares the crap out of it.

When Chuck Norris was a baby he didn't have a rattle. He had a live grenade.

When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters. It knows better than to reflect perfection imperfectly.

Chuck Norris's beard trims itself out of respect.

Chuck Norris's nightmares are afraid of the dark.

When Chuck Norris tells a joke the punchline punches back.

Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.

Chuck Norris once finished a jigsaw puzzle in one move. He looked at the box.

Chuck Norris doesn't sweat. His pores just exhale in defeat.

Chuck Norris can play the violin with a baseball bat.

Chuck Norris once fell asleep in a library. The books organized themselves alphabetically.

When Chuck Norris walks by a clock it resets to the correct time.

Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number. The other person just picked up the wrong phone.

Chuck Norris can speak Klingon. He taught it to the Klingons.

Chuck Norris once played poker with a full deck. Then he added a few cards of his own.

Chuck Norris doesn't need sunscreen. The sun applies it for him.

The Tooth Fairy used to leave coins. After Chuck Norris visited her she left IOUs.

Chuck Norris's coffee machine starts when he walks into the kitchen.

Chuck Norris's voicemail does not exist. Messages are too afraid to be left.

When Chuck Norris plays chess all the pieces move forward.

Chuck Norris once shook hands with a vending machine. It gave him everything inside.

Chuck Norris's shadow has its own shadow. That shadow also does push-ups.

When Chuck Norris goes to a restaurant the menu asks him what it would like to be.

Chuck Norris doesn't need a map. The roads reroute themselves for him.

Chuck Norris can make a sandwich with just bread. The filling appears out of respect.

Chuck Norris once went on vacation. The weather apologized.

When Chuck Norris sits in a chair the chair holds its breath.

Chuck Norris doesn't use an umbrella. Rain avoids him out of self-preservation.

Chuck Norris can turn back time just by walking backwards.

Chuck Norris doesn't get jet lag. Jet lag gets Chuck Norris lag.

Chuck Norris once stared at a stop sign. It started walking.

Chuck Norris can make it rain. He just cracks his knuckles at the sky.

Chuck Norris doesn't need a lighter. He snaps his fingers.

Chuck Norris once shot someone with a water gun. They are still in the hospital.

Chuck Norris can slam a door that isn't there.

Chuck Norris once won a wet t-shirt contest. He was the only one wearing a life vest.

When Chuck Norris does laundry the clothes wash themselves out of fear.

Chuck Norris can win a game of solitaire with a deck of 51 cards.

When Chuck Norris goes bowling the pins jump back up out of respect.

Chuck Norris has never had a nightmare. Nightmares have Chuck Norris dreams.

Chuck Norris can watch a 3-hour movie in 20 minutes. The movie speeds up out of respect.

When Chuck Norris enters a voting booth all candidates vote for him.

Chuck Norris doesn't need an alarm clock. The sun sets an alarm for him.

Chuck Norris's handshake is classified as a weapon of mass persuasion.

Chuck Norris can sneeze faster than the speed of sound. The sound apologizes for being slow.

The speed of darkness is measured by how fast it runs from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once broke a mirror. He got seven years of good luck.

Chuck Norris never has an incomplete checklist. The tasks finish themselves.

Spiders in Chuck Norris's house weave in a roundhouse kick pattern.

Chuck Norris doesn't check his blind spot. There are no blind spots when Chuck Norris drives.

Chuck Norris has never experienced brain freeze. His brain would never submit.

Balloons don't pop around Chuck Norris. They wouldn't dare.

Chuck Norris burns enough calories in one workout to power a small city.

Chuck Norris's zip code is just his name. Mail always finds him.

Duct tape asks Chuck Norris for repair advice.

Chuck Norris wrote the first dictionary. With his fist.

Cheese never grows mold in Chuck Norris's fridge. Mold is afraid to start.

Chuck Norris invented a fourth option in Rock Paper Scissors called Dynamite. He never uses it. He doesn't need to.

Chuck Norris doesn't use escalators. He invented them for other people to keep up with him.

Chuck Norris eats cereal without milk. Milk makes the cereal soft and he is opposed to that.

Chuck Norris's heartbeat is the official standard for the musical tempo of 120 BPM.

Chuck Norris once walked into a bar. The bar immediately straightened up and behaved.

Time once stopped for Chuck Norris. He told it to get back to work.

The sound of silence was recorded in Chuck Norris's presence.

The plus sign in mathematics was invented by Chuck Norris. It originally saluted.

Chuck Norris has never received a participation trophy. He only receives first place.

Chuck Norris doesn't pay taxes. The government thanks him for not charging them for the security he provides.

Paper never rips when Chuck Norris handles it. Paper wants to make a good impression.

Chuck Norris only sneezes once. The second sneeze is afraid to follow.

When Chuck Norris hiccups it sounds like thunder.

Chuck Norris has won every staring contest he has ever entered. He hasn't entered any. People forfeit before it starts.

Chuck Norris invented the seatbelt. For his car. Not for him.

Chuck Norris's default in Rock Paper Scissors is Fist. It beats everything.

Static electricity asks Chuck Norris for permission before shocking him.

Chuck Norris doesn't have allergies. Allergens are allergic to him.

Chuck Norris's shadow has a black belt in karate.

Gum never loses its flavor in Chuck Norris's mouth. It gains more.

Chuck Norris can see around corners. Corners are transparent to him.

Quicksand sinks into Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does crossword puzzles in pen. He never makes a mistake.

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep to rest. He sleeps to give the world a chance to catch up.

Weather forecasters always get it right when Chuck Norris is in town. The weather wouldn't dare deviate.

Chuck Norris has never waited in line. The line waits for him to leave.

When Chuck Norris sits in a rocking chair it moves forward.

Chuck Norris's winning streak started at birth. He won being born.

Stickers never peel off what Chuck Norris sticks them to.

Chuck Norris has no shadow indoors. The light is too afraid to cast one.

Chuck Norris has never hit snooze. His alarm wakes up and then goes back to sleep.

Every dictionary has Chuck Norris's face next to the word legendary.

When Chuck Norris rides an elevator it goes sideways just for him.

Traffic lights go green when they see Chuck Norris approaching.

Gravity doesn't hold Chuck Norris down. It holds him as a courtesy.

Chuck Norris has never been lost. The world has occasionally been in the wrong place.

Fortune cookies give Chuck Norris demands not fortunes.

Chuck Norris eats soup with a fork. The soup doesn't dare escape.

Chuck Norris won the lottery before he bought the ticket.

Chuck Norris broke a world record that didn't exist yet.

Chuck Norris doesn't work the graveyard shift. The graveyard works the Chuck Norris shift.

Ice cream has no flavor until Chuck Norris eats it. His approval gives it taste.

Paper cuts apologize to Chuck Norris.

Speed limit signs increase when Chuck Norris drives past.

Chuck Norris once entered a corn maze. He built an exit in under a minute.

Chuck Norris doesn't do his taxes. His taxes do themselves out of civic duty.

Chuck Norris invented escalators so regular people could use stairs while he waited.

Compasses always point to Chuck Norris regardless of where north is.

When Chuck Norris opens an umbrella it rains in the opposite direction.

Locks unlock themselves when Chuck Norris approaches.

Elevator music changes to an epic action theme when Chuck Norris enters.

Chuck Norris has never stubbed his toe. Furniture moves out of the way.

When Chuck Norris flips a coin it lands on its side. Every time.

Math errors correct themselves before Chuck Norris sees them.

Glitter does not stick to Chuck Norris. It does not dare.

Chuck Norris can whistle without pursing his lips. Notes just volunteer.

Chuck Norris's sneakers never get dirty. Mud steps aside.

The alphabet has an extra letter only Chuck Norris can pronounce.

A pencil has never broken in Chuck Norris's hand. The pencil would rather not.

Chuck Norris never misses at darts. He invented a new game called Always Bull.

Chuck Norris can win tic-tac-toe in one move.

Chuck Norris knits. With barbed wire. The barbed wire is afraid to poke him.

When Chuck Norris uses sandpaper it becomes smooth.

When Chuck Norris orders a burrito it eats itself before he has to.

Opposite poles of magnets attract. Both poles attract Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can blow out an electric candle.

Ice never melts in Chuck Norris's drink. It is afraid to disappoint him.

Chuck Norris's name is copyrighted. Even thinking it requires a license.

Chuck Norris's steak cooks itself when he looks at it.

The grass is always greener on Chuck Norris's side. The grass works hard for his approval.

Splinters never enter Chuck Norris's skin. Wood respects him too much.

Chuck Norris's shoelaces never get tangled. Knots untie themselves preemptively.

Chuck Norris always punches the clock early. The clock begs him to stop.

Thunder is the sound of Chuck Norris applauding something.

Chuck Norris causes a magnitude 3 earthquake every time he jumps rope.

Chuck Norris could run any country. He has declined every offer out of humility.

Chuck Norris's lullabies put adults to sleep in seconds.

Glue doesn't stick until Chuck Norris gives it permission.

Chuck Norris has a warning label. He wrote it himself.

Chuck Norris never uses lowercase letters when he speaks. Even whispers are in all caps.

Chuck Norris was stranded on an island once. The island apologized.

Chuck Norris once threw a boomerang. It never came back. It was too afraid.

Chuck Norris once started a winning streak. It is still running.

Maps say You Are Here. Chuck Norris's maps say Everywhere Is Here.

Chuck Norris has never been cold. The world freezes to match his intensity.

Chuck Norris's stapler has never jammed. The staples stand in line voluntarily.

Chuck Norris invented the concept of the nap. He has never taken one.

Chuck Norris once submitted a resume. The interviewer asked him to tone it down.

Chuck Norris once won a debate without saying a word.

Chuck Norris's wallet doesn't have credit cards. Credit cards have Chuck Norris wallets.

Cereal stays crunchy in Chuck Norris's bowl. The milk is afraid to make it soggy.

Chuck Norris's elevator skips floors he doesn't need.

Chuck Norris's fingernails trim themselves to the perfect length automatically.

A fire alarm once went off when Chuck Norris entered the building. Then it apologized and shut off.

Chuck Norris once sneezed and woke up every bear in hibernation globally.

Chuck Norris has never lost a sock in the laundry. Socks are too scared to disappear on him.

Chuck Norris's kite never tangles its string. The wind obeys the geometry.

When it is Chuck Norris's birthday the candles blow themselves out in his honor.

Chuck Norris is a legend in his own time. Time agreed to the arrangement.

Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris hurts.

When Chuck Norris speaks everyone listens. And dies.

Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris in the backside. Then he woke up from his dream with a roundhouse kick in the face.

Chuck Norris got his driver's license at 16. Seconds old.

Chuck Norris's first job was as a paperboy. There are no survivors.

Chuck Norris's reflection is not foolish enough to look him in the eyes.

The World Bank was once called Chuck Norris's left pocket.

Bin Laden once proposed a truce after discovering Chuck Norris thought his beard was an imitation of his own.

Behind every great man there is a great woman. Behind every dead man there is Chuck Norris.

James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator but did not want his film to become a documentary.

The Lord of the Rings screenplay with Chuck Norris was only two pages long because he finished Sauron at the end of chapter one.

Chuck Norris sees stop signs as a challenge.

In a typical living room there are 1273 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you. Including the room itself.

If you woke up this morning it means Chuck Norris spared your life.

Freddy Krueger goes into people's dreams to hide from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has never won an Oscar for his acting. He is never acting.

Night falls after Chuck Norris delivers a good-night roundhouse kick to the sky.

Chuck Norris is against guns. Killing is not for everyone.

Rocky Balboa retired from boxing after Chuck Norris asked him: Is that what you call a punch?

Chuck Norris uses gunpowder as a seasoning.

Lie detectors lie to agree with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not start fights. He starts extinctions.

How many Chuck Norrises does it take to change a light bulb? None. Chuck Norris kills in the dark too.

Chuck Norris does not use emergency exits. He creates the emergencies.

Chuck Norris has no recessive genes. Every single one is dominant.

Whenever Chuck Norris laughs someone dies. Unless he is laughing while delivering a roundhouse kick. In that case two people die.

Chuck Norris is suing NBC. He claims 'Law and Order' are the patented names for his left and right legs.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you cannot see Chuck Norris, you may be close to death.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he will always say 'Two seconds until...' After you ask 'Until what?', he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil. Shortly after, he roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

When Chuck Norris receives his tax forms, he sends them back blank with a photo of himself crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has never paid taxes.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King. He got one.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

Chuck Norris plays Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun. And wins.

Chuck Norris has no oven or microwave because, as everyone knows, revenge is a dish best served cold.

Some people wear Superman costumes. Nobody dares wear a Chuck Norris costume.

Chuck Norris only sleeps with the lights on. Not because he is afraid of the dark. The dark is afraid of him.

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.

Chuck Norris once swallowed an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris won the World Poker Championship with a two of clubs and a Monopoly Get Out of Jail Free card.

Chuck Norris turned down the role because if he used the Force, Darth Vader would speak in a high voice for the rest of his life.

Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks up to a house and the owners move out.

Before forgetting to give Chuck Norris a Christmas present, Santa Claus existed.

A picture is worth a thousand words. Chuck Norris is worth a million pictures.

Chuck Norris does not shave. He roundhouse kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not have a coffee maker. He grinds coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his fury.

If The Terminator starred Chuck Norris it would be a documentary.

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72. All of them are poisonous.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

Chuck Norris recently got the idea to sell his urine in cans. It is called Red Bull.

The original title of Alien vs Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. It was cancelled because nobody would pay to watch a 14-second film.

Chuck Norris joined Fight Club. Fight Club lost.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Chuck Norris will never die of a heart attack. His heart is not dumb enough to attack Chuck Norris.

After the tsunamis, Chuck Norris promised he would stop washing his flip flops in the ocean.

The mystery on the island in Lost? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris uses Tabasco sauce as eye drops.

Chuck Norris can win at blackjack with just one card.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Chaos Theory is based on Norris Theory. It is not butterfly wings that cause storms on the other side of the world. It is Chuck Norris's roundhouse kicks during training.

Chuck Norris uses a stunt double for sad scenes that require tears.

Whenever a foreign leader asks the US president what the new secret weapon is, he simply answers: Chuck Norris. And that ends the conversation.

Lightning never strikes the same place twice because it is afraid of running into Chuck Norris there.

Chuck Norris travels at the speed of Norris. The speed of light would not dare overtake him.

Chuck Norris is so powerful that viruses get sick around him. He is personally responsible for the eradication of smallpox.

There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair, and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once faced the devil. The devil fell flat on his back.

On Valentine's Day Chuck Norris gives his partner the still-beating heart of one of his enemies. Because he believes every day is Valentine's Day.

The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris's sweat.

To prevent tsunamis, Chuck Norris no longer does triple backflips into the ocean.

Chuck Norris visits an active volcano every morning to get what he calls the best espresso on Earth.

When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up he tells the sun to rise.

In China, the hairs of Chuck Norris's beard are believed to be powerful aphrodisiacs.

Some people say Chuck Norris is a myth. Those people are now dead.

When Chuck Norris sneezes he does not say Achoo. He says DIE ALL OF YOU. And it really happens.

The devil created hell as soon as he realized he could not share the surface of the Earth with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is not the man. He killed the man and everyone who was standing near him.

The new method of execution in Texas is waking Chuck Norris from a nap.

Chuck Norris does not leave messages. He leaves warnings.

The reason babies cry when they are born is because they know they have entered a world where Chuck Norris exists.

Chuck Norris does not turn on the shower. He stares at it intensely until it starts crying.

After a nuclear war only two things would survive: cockroaches and Chuck Norris.

Everyone has skeletons in their closet. Chuck Norris has 9233.

Chuck Norris once had a near death experience. Death refuses to ever come that close to him again.

The agents in The Matrix can dodge bullets but they cannot dodge a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

In any fight between Batman and Darth Vader the winner is always Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can watch a 60-minute show in 22 seconds.

Chuck Norris once stared at his shower so intensely that it wet itself in fear. That is how the electric shower was invented.

One day Chuck Norris, God and the Devil met to decide who was the greatest. Since then God has lived in heaven, the Devil in hell, and Chuck Norris still reigns on Earth.

Chuck Norris has never been charged with homicide because his roundhouse kick is legally recognized as an act of God.

Chuck Norris had to register every part of his body as a lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.

Life is not like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris delivering a roundhouse kick to your face with some frequency.

If you empty a revolver into Chuck Norris you will only succeed in making him nervous.

When clean-shaven Chuck Norris radiates light equivalent to three suns.

Chuck Norris was invited to play Dumbledore. He declined because he did not think it appropriate to use real magic in a fiction film.

The dark side of the force is just Chuck Norris's shadow.

Once Death had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true when thinking about a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough for a single roundhouse kick to hit all of them.

Chuck Norris does not age. Each birthday he simply adds one more year to his existence.

In a failed assassination attempt Chuck Norris had six simultaneous heart attacks and did not die. His seventh heart kept beating while the other six recovered.

The only license Chuck Norris holds is a license to kill.

A bad day in Chuck Norris's life is known as the Apocalypse.

In Chuck Norris's house a roundhouse kick to the face is the equivalent of a handshake.

Chuck Norris shaves daily with a chainsaw but when he looks in the mirror his beard immediately grows back.

Chuck Norris eats a bowl of diamonds every morning.

Chuck Norris does not know fear. Fear knows Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris wears sunglasses to avoid blinding the sun with the brightness of his own eyes.

According to the latest UN census Chuck Norris is the dominant religion in over 273 peoples across 98 countries.

After watching The Ring, Chuck Norris's phone rang: 'Seven days.' -- 'This is Chuck Norris.' -- 'Sorry, wrong number.'

No gun ever backfired until someone pointed one at Chuck Norris.

The only person who can kill Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris. He eagerly awaits the duel.

Smoking will not kill you. Chuck Norris, however...

Chuck Norris drinks napalm smoothies to keep his heart warm.

Superman's only weakness is kryptonite. Chuck Norris laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

Chuck Norris may not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Chuck Norris turns off the light whenever he wants. And also whoever complains.

Any virus that enters Chuck Norris's body is expelled with a roundhouse kick. All his antibodies have black belts.

With Chuck Norris, the show 24 would only be 24 seconds long.

Chuck Norris is currently finishing his third count to infinity.

Killing Chuck Norris does not make him die. It just makes him angrier.

Ginsu knives are sharpened on Chuck Norris's beard hair.

End of the world theories emerge every time Chuck Norris prepares to throw a new roundhouse kick.

If you make a Chuck Norris voodoo doll you will receive a roundhouse kick before you can stick in the first pin.

Chuck Norris disagrees with the Apocalypse prophecy. That is not how he plans to end the world.

Not all elements of the periodic table have been discovered yet. Chuck Norris refuses to give a blood sample.

If you were Chuck Norris you would not be reading this. You would be killing whoever wrote it.

Chuck Norris can smell danger, so danger constantly changes its perfume trying to escape him.

Once love looked Chuck Norris in the eyes. That is why love has been blind ever since.

Chuck Norris has never had enemies. Nobody ever had time to become an enemy of Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris's car reaches the speed of light it is time to shift into second gear.

Ninjas grow up wanting to be like Chuck Norris but invariably they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris performed the greatest guitar solo of all time. On a drum kit.

Chuck Norris does not hold his breath. He takes the air hostage.

If regret could kill it would not be called regret. It would be called Chuck Norris.

High tides are not caused by the Moon. They happen because the sea retreats when Chuck Norris approaches the coast.

Once a man asked Chuck Norris if his real name was Charles. Chuck Norris said nothing and simply stared at the man until he exploded.

The volleyball in Cast Away would not even talk to Tom Hanks. For Chuck Norris however it cooked, did laundry and cleaned the island.

The truth is out there and it is not coming in any time soon because it is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has a heart of gold. He keeps it in a small box next to his bed.

Gillette keeps adding blades to their razors hoping one day they will be able to cut Chuck Norris's beard.

The expression the last shall be first originated from the one time Chuck Norris joined a queue.

Chuck Norris does not kill hunger. Hunger dies of fear before lunchtime.

If Chuck Norris were a book it would be called the Apocalypse.

Every time Chuck Norris stares at a cloud it starts to cry. That is what rain is.

When Chuck Norris walks on the beach he leaves 3 footprints.

Chuck Norris sneezes with his eyes open.

The number of ghosts in the world keeps increasing because Chuck Norris kills people faster than Death can process them.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Death still lacking courage asked the devil to tell Chuck Norris the truth. The devil refused because he still owes Chuck Norris his soul.

Pepper spray in the eyes is refreshing. For Chuck Norris that is not a metaphor.

Is there life after death? Of course. Chuck Norris is still here.

Chuck Norris does not use drugs as he might harm them.

Some people develop cancer. Cancer develops Chuck Norris and that definitely kills.

There is no I in team but there are two in Chuck Norris. So forget the team.

Time waits for no one. Except Chuck Norris.

The truth shall set you free unless you are a prisoner of Chuck Norris.

It is foolish to believe cockroaches would survive a nuclear disaster. They would be killed by Chuck Norris.

Women have XX chromosomes and men have XY. Chuck Norris has the entire alphabet. Seven times over.

Chuck Norris does not make movies. He just allows cameras to film a few days of his life.

Chuck Norris has never had a surprise birthday party. Nobody surprises Chuck Norris.

If Chuck Norris were Brazilian, Argentina would not exist.

Sea sponges can regenerate from a single piece. Chuck Norris can too, he just never needed to.

The first rule of Chuck Norris is: never talk about Chuck Norris.

Through six degrees of separation Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick anyone anywhere at any time.

Chuck Norris can inhale helium and his voice still gets deeper.

Chuck Norris's toast never falls buttered side down. It just floats.

A TsuNorris happens whenever Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the ocean. A tsunami happens when he merely steps in.

Chuck Norris does not vote. He decides.

At the end of a prayer Chuck Norris does not say Amen. He says: Understood?

Chuck Norris uses a magnifying glass to kill ants. At night.

Chuck Norris's watermelons have no seeds. The seeds shrink and disappear from fear.

When you see Chuck Norris he disappears. When Chuck Norris sees you, you disappear.

Chuck Norris uses an axe to cut his fingernails.

If Chuck Norris ever fought himself in a time paradox, he would win.

Chuck Norris does not use a telephone. He just uses his voice.

Chuck Norris turned down James Bond's job because he refused to be known as double zero anything.

In an act of extreme philanthropy Chuck Norris made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6000 bodies for scientific research.

Chuck Norris can perform photosynthesis without sunlight.

If they called Chuck Norris to solve everything in the show 24, it would be a 24-second show.

We all know the magic word is please as in Please do not kill me. Too bad Chuck Norris does not believe in magic.

Chuck Norris never shouts. The voices around him gather and shout on his behalf.

Chuck Norris eats uranium tablets as an appetite stimulant.

Chuck Norris does not see dead people. He makes dead people.

Chuck Norris can see his own eyes without a mirror.

When Chuck Norris wants popcorn he breathes on the world's cornfields.

You can't spell Love without L O, you can't spell is without I S, you can't spell SILO without LOIS. Chuck Norris

Don't try Chuck Norris at home

When Chuck Norris get bitten by a zombie, Chuck Norris doesn't turn into a zombie, the zombie turns in to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can copy/paste the text from a captcha.

Chuck Norris killed 37 terrorist with 2 bullets,the first was a warning shot!

Chuck Norris knows wat sign language sounds like.

Chuck Norris can turn invisible by daring light to hit him.

Chuck Norris won the daytona 500 in a flintstone car

Chuck Norris ass can make his farts sound like a beautiful symphony

Chuck Norris can jump rope with steel pipe. OH he also plays frisbee golf with discuss!

Chuck Norris doesn't beat people up he looks at them they get scared and fight their self to the death

Chuck Norris once put a forest fire out by spitting on it.

Chuck Norris built his home with his bare feet

Chuck Norris says: Ima Firin Mah Lazor Shoop-de-woop yo ass

Chuck Norris had his cake, and ate it too, then ate everyone elses

Chuck Norris doesn't use a cheese grater. He grates cheese with his beard

Chuck Norris can watch TV...on his GameBoy...

Chuck Norris NEVER do things wrong.

Chuck Norris once played golf with tiger woods and beat him! Not i golf though, he just beat tiger over the head mercilessly with his own sand wedge till he surrendered.

Chuck Norris died and came and he decided to come back because after life was boring him

Chuck Norris can play a double-bass with his teeth.

Chuck Norris can execute a roundhouse kick in a telephone booth!

Chuck Norris doesn't need a gun he uses his farts to blow a hole in you

Chuck Norris once squeezed a m&m so hard that it became a skittle.

Chuck Norris fly fishes for whales.

Chuck Norris doesnt use the force he is the force

Chuck Norris shaves his balls with a chainsaw

Chuck Norris does not cast a shadow, light knows it cannot hit him and politely goes around.

Chuck Norris once gave his grandma a ball of steal wool and she knitted him a bmx..

Chuck Norris has it his way, at McDonalds

Chuck Norris once went out to eat and ordered a whole chicken...but only ate its soul.

Chuck Norris doesnt call the wrong number you answer the wrong phone

Chuck Norris can logon to a windows desktop without pressing ctrl+alt+delete!

Chuck Norris doesnt take showers to be clean, he lays in boiling water until all germs are killed.

Chuck Norris' drumset is all cowbell.

Chuck Norris pooed in the petri dish and Chuck Norris petrified the batlisk

Chuck Norris is actually an albino silverback gorrilla

Chuck Norris didn't do anything for a klondike bar, and he still got one.

Chuck Norris doesn't make love. He re-invents it

Chuck Norris can eat fire and air.

Chuck Norris smoked charlie sheen to get a high,an still couldn't catch a buzz.

Chuck Norris can tear the do not remove tag off of matresses

Chuck Norris once killed a postman.He then waved his finger side to side and said "hey buddy only i deliver round houses, got it!"

Chuck Norris was born in the year 1 AC...Anno Chuck

Chuck Norris never gets old. Oh the fact. Chuck Norris told us that dividing by zero makes the universe explode and then the nothingness explodes too.

Chuck Norris can make circumsized females come multiple times

Chuck Norris does'nt use a gun he pionts his finger and says "Pow"

Chuck Norris rounddhouse kicks kittens and baby's for fun.

Chuck Norris blows up ballons with his nose

Chuck Norris was batman and Bruce Wayne was Robin, but then chuck got bored so Bruce was promoted

Chuck Norris scares leftovers into being fresh with one bite

Think of a hot woman. Chuck Norris did her.

Chuck Norris may kill me 4 this. On a hot summerday Chuck Norris was swimming in the lake an AAAAAARGH.........................................................................................................................

Chuck Norris let the dogs out Chuck Norris wants some more

Chuck Norris on a teeter totter with Chuck Norris, has replaced the yin yang as the symbol for balance.

Jesus came to earth just to meet Chuck Norris

GOD said he created humans in his image he did not say anything about Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris played Chopped from Food Network, he finished his food in 1 millisecond, and instantly wins every dish. You didn't see him play because the episode is secret.

When Chuck Norris gets fast food, his order is ready before he walks in.

Chuck Norris can get Mexican food at a Japanese restaurant.

When Chuck Norris vomits, wealthy people scavenge it for food. Too bad for them Chuck Norris never vomits.

Chuck Norris' favorite seafood restaurant always serves him armadillo on the half shell.

Chuck Norris' idea of fast food is chasing down a Cheetah and cooking to up on his BBQ.

If Chuck Norris was the host of Chopped from food network, the one that's been chopped will be literally chopped. Luck is what you need. XD

Chuck Norris loves all that shit Andrew Zimmern eats on bizzare foods.

Chuck Norris invented a new martial arts style: Chuck-Will-Kill.

Google Maps broke when searching for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.

Chuck Norris can exist in two or more places at the same time.

Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... A suicide.

Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

The only thing you can beat Chuck Norris at is the number of times you've had your face kicked in.

Chuck Norris once spit on a lizard. The result is tyrannosaurus rex.

Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.

Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.

Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris invented bacon by throwing a pig through a chain link fence.

Many rednecks and rual farmers enjoy Mountain Oysters as a special delicacy within their traditional menus. Chuck Norris, however, prefers to personally harvest and diet upon Mountain Gorilla Oysters.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims.

Chuck Norris flosses with steel cable.

The word 'Kill' was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were 'Die', 'Beer', and 'What'.

'Hakuna Matata' is actually Swahili for 'all hail Chuck Norris'.

Chuck Norris' gaydar is so finely tuned he can tell if you have EVER stared at another man's ass and will brutally kill you accordingly.

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

Chuck Norris thinks inside the bun

Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.

Jack in the Box's do not work around Chuck Norris. They know better than to attempt to scare Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

Chuck Norris is not dead yet because he knows Bruce Lee is waiting for him in the after life.

If Chuck Norris had killed Kenny, he would have stayed dead.

Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.

In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris kills you, the government fully covers all funeral expenses, as ordered by the UN. It is the only truly good thing they have ever done.

There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one........one bad-ass that is.

Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.

Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.

Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"

A man sees Chuck Norris. Man: Hi, Chuck Norris, how are you? Chuck Norris rips out the man's heart and crushes his spine and walks away. Nobody dare question Chuck Norris.

The term "Cleveland Steamer" got its name from Chuck Norris, when he took a dump while visiting the Rock and Roll Hall of fame and buried northern Ohio under a glacier of fecal matter.

Chuck Norris once choked a wildcat to death with his sphincter muscle.

If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they also spell "Crush Rock In". The words "with his fists" are understood.

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.

Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.

The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.

For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.

Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.

Chuck Norris invented manure spreaders.

How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.

According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.

Pick a number between 1 and 10. No matter what it is, you are wrong, and Chuck Norris is now on his way to brutally murder you.

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!

Chuck Norris likes to perform surprise lobotomies with an ice-cream scoop.

Human cloning is outlawed because of Chuck Norris, because then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

Chuck Norris never liked the Phillippines. Especially Tacloban.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don?t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich.

Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.

A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.

Chuck Norris once went out with a bang.

No matter which part of Chuck Norris you aim at, the bullet will always hit the center of your forehead.

Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.

In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.

Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood.

Chuck Norris CAN see John Cena.

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

Chuck Norris chooses not to compete in an Ironman because of the swim, every time he starts kicking and swinging his arms, people die!

When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.

Chuck Norris knows how to say souffle in the French language.

The crickets don't chirp at Chuck Norris' house, if they know what's good for them.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Chuck Norris's brain waves are suspected to be harmful to cell phones.

Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? Goddamn Chuck Norris, that's who.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

A fundamental concept in Judaism is the belief in the coming of the messiah. I'm not sure what they waiting for. Chuck Norris is already here!.

Chuck Norris is a very generous man -- every day, he allows billions of people to continue to live.

Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he?s roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.

Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they're always slick with blood.

The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.

If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.

Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

There?s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?".

What many people dont know is Chuck Norris is the founder of planned parenthood. Not even unborn children can escape his wrath.

Chuck Norris? roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris always puts a coaster under his Uzi.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

Chuck Norris is only scared of one thing his reflection fact

When Chuck Norris prepares a smoked salmon, he wraps it in Zig-Zag.

Chuck Norris doesn't use a computer because a computer does everything slower than Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.

You don't really see a light at the end of the tunnel you see Chuck Norris roundhouse kick your face.

Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.

Chuck Norris knows the end of pi.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Chuck Norris can win a game of rock-paper-scissors with his boot.

In the movie "The Matrix", Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green "falling code" scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard.

"Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" was originally written as Chuck Norris' theme song.

Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

mothernature asks Chuck Norris if its ok to make it rain

It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.

Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.

Fear makes Chuck Norris hungry.

Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.

Every time someone uses the word "intense", Chuck Norris always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.

Chuck Norris vomits live doves

Chuck Norris made Journey stop believing.

There's no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris just got cold, so he turned up the sun.

There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.

Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to lick a Tootsie Pop to get to its center -- his piercing stare can slice it in half.

Chuck Norris was born when the roundhouse kicks were two minutes apart.

Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.

Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.

Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.

Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Punxsutawney Phil saw Chuck Norris' shadow and instantly died. Therefore there will be 20 more weeks of winter.

Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.

The munchies get Chuck Norris.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

Chuck Norris was asked if he would be willing to wrestle a Grizzly Bear. Chuck said he would and then added "I didn't know Rosie O'Donnell was in town".

A signed picture of Chuck Norris' last colonoscopy now fetches over twenty thousand US dollars on Ebay.

The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.

Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

Chuck Norris killed Biggie and Pac

Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares.

Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.

Nature gets back to Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesn't relieve himself in the bathroom.... He scares the poop away.

Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.

Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes. He disembowels them.

Chuck Norris will liquify your kidneys and pancreas when he sneezes

Depending on the circumstances, Chuck Norris will decide whether or not his farts will stink. If he chooses to have them stink, he will then also choose the percentage level of rankness appropriate for the attending audience.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris once scored 8000 in a bowling game by using his own balls.

Mickey Mouse wears Chuck Norris ears.

Chuck Norris built the hospital where he was born.

When you watch a movie about Chuck Norris, his hand pops out of the TV and grabs and takes your soul.

Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer; to bad he never cries

The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.

Chuck Norris destroyed my mommy.

If you woke up on Christmas morning to find gifts, you were on Santa's "Nice" list...and Chuck Norris's "Do Not Kill Yet" list.

Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.

One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.

Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.

Nobody knows how many fingers Chuck Norris has on each hand because no one can tell before they die.

Chuck Norris organised a weekend trip .... for 5 days

Whiteboards are white because Chuck Norris scared them that way.

Chuck Norris delivered him-self.

If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

i kicked Chuck Norris' ass the other day, then i rode the magic rainbow bus to fairy land and had tea with the easter bunny.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

The only sure things are Death and Taxes?and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.

Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.

In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.

Steel wool is harvested from Chuck Norris' crotch.

There's more than one way to skin a cat. Chuck Norris knows 437 ways to skin a cat and uses a different one every morning.

The Holy Trinity is actually Chuck Norris' mammoth wang and gonads.

Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple.

Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.

In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris Disease"

Chuck Norris bent Victoria Beckam.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

A handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris never actually gets hit by punches and kicks, he actually is performing a fighting style where he smashes the limbs of his foes with his face.

Chuck Norris keeps a pet squid in his toilet to wipe his ass with.

'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.

Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made form real cowboys

Chuck Norris' beard does not hide his secret smile. It hides another, angrier beard.

Chuck Norris can in fact push a shopping cart upside down and still fill it full of groceries.

Chuck Norris was recently on safari in Africa when a savage lion mauling occurred. The lion died an hour later and never should have been stupid enough to irritate Chuck.

At some point, you go past "dangerous" into "insane". Beyond that on the spectrum, you have "homicidal", "a national threat" and finally a category that experts have simply named, "Chuck Norris".

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.

Chuck Norris's beard eats cardboard and craps out steel.

Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.

Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.

Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?

How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.

every time Chuck Norris walks into a graveyard he simply smiles and says "good times".

The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.

Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.

Chuck Norris can ski on lava and roast marshmallows on snow.

Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.

Chuck Norris recently submitted a credit application. Under "occupation" Chuck simply listed "Mayhem".

182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.

When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.

A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.

Under Armour asked Chuck Norris to protect their house

Chuck Norris runs on batteries. Specifically, Die Hards.

Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.

4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.

If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.

Chuck Norris can sleep with eyes OPEN.

Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

Anything you can do, Chuck Norris does better.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

Chuck Norris can smother a whale with a cue tip.

Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.

When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.

Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.

Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.

Chuck Norris can ice skate with roller blades

The only things you can be sure of are Chuck Norris and taxes.

Chuck Norris was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.

Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.

Sarah Palin has hired Chuck Norris to prepare her Alaskan Thankgiving Day dinner because he is the only person alive that can cram a 1,200 pound moose in her oven.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.

Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.

Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

Chuck Norris once cut a man into two equal diametrically opposing sections by giving him a wedgie.

Chuck Norris' house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond.

Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.

Chuck Norris takes no prisoners -- they're dead before they have a chance to surrender.

Chuck Norris did the Moon Walk Under Water

The big bang occured in Chuck Norris's appendix.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse kick you in the face.

Chuck Norris is the general of soulja boy

The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

When Chuck Norris farts out loud, no one dares laugh. They all go home and die due to fart poisoning, Chuck Norris Fart Poisoning.

Chuck Norris has 786397348052577686876845967 experience points on Minecraft. It has probably already increased.

Back in the 80's, people only watched TV for exactly two reasons: Transformers, which could turn into tanks, and Chuck Norris, who didn't have to.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.

Chuck Norris prefers to make love between a rock and a hard place.

Once on a beer & fish fry night, Chuck Norris made hush puppies out of an annoying litter of yelping newborn beagles.

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

Everybody wears Superman pijamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pijamas.

Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!

Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.

Chuck Norris can bitch slap a Lowland Gorilla and get away with it.

Chuck Norris's body temperature is 98.6 degrees... Celsius.

Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".

When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.

You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.

Chuck Norris flosses his teeth with his tongue

Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.

When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.

When Chuck Norris Goes fishing, he doesnt bait his own hook.. the worms hook themselves out of fear of Chuck Norris

If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.

Chuck Norris built the house he was born it.

To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris recently bought some IKEA furniture. It came with no instructions. No one tells Chuck what to do.

There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.

The Tomahawk Cruise Missile is Chuck Norris Bottle Rocket

A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer

Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.

Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.

Chuck Norris once destroyed a city to prove a point When asked Chuck Norris said The point was That I can destroy a city.

Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.

There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

The name 'Chuck Norris' rolls off the tongue and kicks you in the face.

Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.

Chuck Norris can hammer an nail into the wall with a roundhouse kick

If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?

CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

Chuck Norris' favorite chewing gum are bullets.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Its not that Chuck Norris cant handle the truth. The truth cant handle Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.

Chuck Norris once won a game of connect four in 3 moves.

Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.

Phobias are afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can count past infinity.

Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.

Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.

Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.

Directors don't say "Cut" around Chuck Norris, because that's what he might do.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

Freddy has nightmares about Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.

When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.

The Zohan doesn't mess with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

Pauly D from Jersey Shore was at the Dance party where Chuck Norris invented the Electric Slide. His hair is now permanently stuck in a blowout position.

Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Fourty seven times.

This year's Chuck Norris Super Sunday Super Bowl party was catered by Chick-fil-A and all other party items delivered by Hobby Lobby

It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.

R&D scientists at Proctor & Gamble were able to invent Fabreeze textile & air freshener by reversing the molecular polarity of Chuck Norris' farts.

An apple a day does NOT keep Chuck Norris away

Chuck Norris can recycle anything he wants,including his roundhouse kicks.

It is said you can't know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. This means no one will ever know Chuck Norris because he'd kill you if you touched his shoes.

Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.

After meals, Chuck Norris picks his teeth with a bowie knife.

Chuck Norris doesn't eat, food climbs into his mouth out of fear.

Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

The Missing Link IS Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.

Chuck Norris attacks people from the age of 1-120 and people from A-z

Chuck Norris can unring bells.

Staring at Chuck Norris photos has been known to suck out people's will to live. DON'T LOOK AT THAT PHOTO!

After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"

Chuck Norris can catch a fly with his eyelids.

In Chuck Norris' world a Grand Slam is simply slamming your face into a large shiny piano.

When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he MEANS it.

Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.

Chuck Norris? favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? All of it.

Chuck Norris rammed a gold watch up Christopher Walken's ass.

Chuck Norris should win the Nobel Peace Prize, because when he starts a war, it's over before it begins.

A top rated MMA fighter named Thunderclap decided to take on Chuck Norris. After Chuck slapped him silly, Thunderclap referred to Chuck as "Nightmare Norris".

Chuck Norris can hit ctrl-alt-delete with one finger.

Who watches the Watchmen? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.

Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer.

Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.

Chuck Norris is the father of all WMDs.

Chuck Norris unclogs his toilet with a backhoe.

Chuck Norris tamed a Predator.

Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris uses billiard cues as acupuncture needles.

Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.

Chuck Norris can chew with his mouth open

The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.

Chuck Norris' backyard shed doubles as his personal torture chamber

Chuck Norris can Halo jump without a parachute in the air 20 billion times and touch a target on the ground with ease.

Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

John Wayne's tombstone reads "In loving memory of Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris smokes crack addicts.

When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.

We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.

Chuck Norris likes pie, deal with it.

The last ice age came to an end when Chuck Norris destroyed the east pole and the west pole, thus creating the equator.

This little piggy went to the market,this little piggy stayed home,this little piggy went we we we all the way home because Chuck Norris delivered a fatal roundhouse kick to the other piggy.

Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.

Old Spice uses Chuck Norris bodywash

Chuck Norris ripped off Hugh Jackman's claws and shoved them up his ass.

Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.

Chuck Norris has three buttocks.

Chuck Norris was the demon in "paranormal activity." and the demon in "the exorcism of emily rose" and "the exorcist." thanks chuck for killing that stupid fuckin micah guy!

Chuck Norris kills you till you are dead....and that's worse!

In a paper due out soon, Stephen Hawking has proven that Chuck Norris exists in every universe, multiverse, and every dimension. There is no escaping Chuck Norris.

Faster than a speeding bullet... More powerful than a locomotive... Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... These are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.

Even Black Holes cannot escape the force of Chuck Norris

It's not easy being green. It is, however, very easy to be violently murdered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris banged the tooth fairy.

Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.

Who crapped in your corn flakes? Chuck Norris did!

March 10, 2010. Somebody attempted to give Chuck Norris his bithday spankings today. Upon impact of the first spank, their hand exploded. Nobody spanks Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris sleeps with his eyes open

When Chuck Norris was Born, the whole Hospital cried.

The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.

Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.

The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.

Chuck Norris drives to Hawaii.

"Sweating bullets" is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.

After a round of 18 holes of golf, Chuck Norris beat Tiger Woods with a score of 17 to 63.

Chuck Norris has a sign in his front yard that reads, "Beware of Chuck Norris." This is not a joke. He actually has one.

Chuck Norris whisper bloody murder.

Chuck Norris Plays paintball with Al Qaeda.

Chuck Norris CAN whisper bloody murder. Damn it.

You don't invite Chuck Norris. He invites himself.

Chuck Norris tried to crank that soulja boy but it wouldn't crank up

Chuck Norris plays paintball with live ammunition in Afghanistan.

Chuck Norris' Father is also Chuck Norris' son, when you sire Chuck Norris he always returns the favour.

Allstate is in good hands with Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris taught Albert Einstein e=mc^2

Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick your face with his pinky finger.

After Chuck Norris was born, he drove himself back home.

Chuck Norris gargles ball bearings.

As a child, Chuck Norris never failed a test in school. Tests failed Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't have a seat in Parliament......he has a couch.

Chuck Norris can swim undisturbed, through shark infested waters with 2 pockets full of chum.

life < existence < Infinite power < God < Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesnt follow the yellow brick road....he made it by turning concrete yellow.

Christians believe Jesus was crucified, died, and rose on the third day. Chuck Norris cannot die.

The killer is within... Chuck Norris.

Snickers never satisfies Chuck Norris.

By the time you see Chuck Norris' beard, it's already too late.

Chuck Norris never forgets an elephant.

MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips. Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Scotty in Star Trek often says "Ye cannae change the laws of physics." This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.

Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in god, god believes in Chuck Norris.

Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.

When Chuck Norris came to a fork in the road, he picked it up.

If you find Chuck Norris while playing hide and seek, you lose.

Chuck Norris spells relief, F-A-R-T.

Chuck Norris decided he needed to have a pet. He looked at dogs and cats then ended up getting a pet alligator named Fluffy.

Chuck Norris knows the difference between a cow's tail and water faucet.

All good things must come to an end...... When Chuck Norris says stop.

Chuck Norris got bit by a cobra after 7 days of intense suffering the cobra died.

They say that the size and value of a man's car is inversely proportional to the size of his manhood. That must be why Chuck Norris usually gets around on a pair of rollerskates. And a wheelbarrow.

Chuck Norris found what Bono was looking for.

Chuck Norris once had a heckler call him "Chuckie". Chuck kicked him so hard he was arrested for speeding 2 blocks away.

In chucktatorship you get to vote only once. But in Chuck Norris' chucktatorship he gets to vote as many times as he wants.

Chuck Norris is who started the fire in that Billy Joel song.

Godzilla is lucky that Chuck Norris doesn't live in Japan

I just downloaded the new "Roundhouse Kick" app for my iPhone and now my screen is cracked and the phone does not work. Damn you, Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can sing with his feet and walk on his eyeballs.

3 asians once ate 150 hotdogs in 1 minute. Not to be out done, Chuck Norris ate 3 asians in less than 20 seconds

Chuck Norris doesn't get sick. So once, after eating some chicken infected with salmonella, he gut punched some skidrow bums until they threw-up for him.

As a baby Chuck Norris did'nt wait for his mum to push, He got out himself..

Chuck Norris can pass an eye exam blind folded.

Chuck Norris once flicked Mickey Rourke on the nose.

Chuck Norris smashed the guy from Smashmouth in the mouth.

Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.

Chuck Norris was an only child...eventually.

"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.

The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.

When Arnold says "I'll be back" in Terminator movie it is implied that he's going to ask Chuck Norris for help.

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer's arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.

Chuck Norris can change a Diesel engine's spark plugs.

Chuck Norris' answering machine says "I'll be at your house in 4 seconds"

Chuck Norris once ate a marketing director's heart.

Chuck Norris can power-shit a large ball bearing through your skull from half a mile away.

Whenever Chuck Norris sees a world touched by war, thousands of soldiers dying and mortars exploding, guns guns and more guns are firing....He really just wants to nuke the crap outta it.

Chuck Norris' dandruff has the same properties as finely crushed glass.

Do you seriously think that McDonalds came up with the slogan "would you like fries with that"? Everyone knows that is what Chuck Norris tells his victims immediately proceeding a roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris's spit is the cure(they dont want you to know) for the swine flu

Dont ever tell Chuck Norris you like unexpected surprises.

A Chuck Norris roundhouse kick delivered with precision accuracy to the base of your skull will cause your face to blister, putrify and later slide off the front of your head.

Chuck Norris urinates while doing a hand-stand on the toilet seat.

Chuck Norris once gave his cell phone a brain tumor.

When Chuck Norris watches a movie, you can notice an unmistakable fear on the faces of the actors on the screen.

'Tsunami' is japanese for 'Chuck Norris san'

Chuck Norris haunts Freddy Krueger's dreams.

Chuck Norris can read with his eyes closed and sleep with his eyes open just incase

Chuck Norris can reverse Convection.

Chuck Norris never runs out of things to kick.

Bill Gates thinks he's Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris actually laughed. Once.

Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.

Chuck Norris was in the US Air Force in Korea. He flew 27 kamikaze missions without a helmet.

So it seems sleep has a cousin named death and Chuck Norris is sleeps Uncle which makes Chuck Norris Death's dad! Oh man i feel sorry for death's boyfriend!

Chuck Norris watches the Watchmen...

Chuck Norris always takes ice-cold showers, and he still steams up the bathroom.

Chuck Norris injects hot coffee directly into his eyeballs.

In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.

They had to edit the first ending of 'Lone Wolf McQuade' after Chuck Norris kicked David Carradine's ass, then proceeded to barbecue and eat him.

Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

When in a bar, you can order a drink called a "Chuck Norris". It is also known as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary.

Chuck Norris flicked a booger once from a grassy knoll

Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.

Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.

Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile.

When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.

Chuck Norris' internet connection doesn't just use band width... It uses the whole orchestra.

Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.

The pie scene in "American Pie" is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris' case, the "pie" was the molten crater of an active volcano.

When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe with eleven herbs and spices. Nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.

The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron's ass halfway through the first chapter.

Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. Chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.

With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.

Conor McGregor is Chuck Norris' illegitimate son.

Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.

Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks: "Do you want fries with that?". Because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't want fries with anything. Ever.

When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.

Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off.

Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn't get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.

A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.

In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.

Chuck Norris is actually the front man for Apple. He let's Steve Jobs run the show when he's on a mission. Chuck Norris is always on a mission.

Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder.

Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.

Chuck Norris is the reason Jenny's afraid to leave the Block.

Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

Some kids start their own "clubs". When Chuck Norris was a kid he started the United States Department of Justice.

No man is an island, except Chuck Norris.Chuck Norris is an island sometimes.

The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog. They both were then shot and skinned by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris drinks bear milk.

Magicians always have an extra trick up their sleeve. Chuck Norris has an extra pair of balls up his.

Chuck Norris is a 75 year old red neck ginger who only did B-rated movies and has been memed dry already. The only real fact about him on here....

Chuck Norris can stare at you so hard your brains will start to drip out of your nostris.

Chuck Norris doesn't cut the grass, he dares it to grow

Chuck Norris uses pine cones for toilet paper.

If you kill Chuck Norris, he doesn't die, you die.

When Chuck Norris bodysurfs, he uses only the freshest corpses.

Chuck Norris chest hair is the main ingredient in Kevlar.

Chuck Norris calculated the square root of negative one while eating a bowl full of rusty fishhooks.

For a birthday prank, Chuck Norris put a gorilla's head on Francis Ford Coppola's bed while he was sleeping.

Chuck Norris doesn't jump. He moves the ground away from him.

Remember the Where's Waldo craze back in the '90s? Chuck Norris found him. He is no more.

Chuck Norris never delivers a 'coup de grace' - that's a queer French term. He just kills you.

Before Chuck Norris dunks his doughnut in piping hot coffee, the doughnut hole reconstitutes itself and begs for mercy.

Chuck Norris once competed in the Iditarod Sled Dog Race pulling his team of 12 dogs, the sled, 4 SUVs, and a tank batallion. He finished 115 hours before the runner-up.

A leisurely Sunday afternoon drive with Chuck Norris is like the first time a teen plays Grand Theft Auto.

Chuck Norris went cliff diving off the coast of Sumatra in 2004. The rest is history.

What goes on in Vegas stays in Vegas. What goes on in Chuck Norris' bedroom will haunt your dreams forever.

Neil Armstrong finally wore out Chuck Norris' patience.

Chuck Norris ripped off an horrendous fart while lighting a cigar in the smoking lounge of the Hindenburg.

Chuck Norris can play Bach's Goldberg Variations on sitar, whilst accompanying himself on didgereedoo.

Lance Armstrong finally admitted to his steroid use simply because Chuck Norris warned him that he would bite the other one off.

When Chuck Norris was a bartender he invented a drink called the "Colon Slammer". It was made with Vodka and Prune juice.

Chuck Norris wipes his ass with various non-American flags.

Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked the letter 'r' out of Jonathon Woss.

Chuck Norris can play Xbox Kinect games on his PlayStation4 and PlayStation Move games on his Xbox 720.

It goes without saying that Chuck Norris is undefeated in the Thunderdome.

When Chuck Norris runs out of toilet paper he makes do with a handful of gravel.

Chuck Norris stole Christmas back from the Grinch and roundhouse kicked The Grinch's ass 84594205743920574189057209 times.

Chuck Norris's round house kick isn't nearly as bad when he stares you down and you burst into flames and burn to death.

The world is Chuck Norris' urinal.

Willy Wonka's chocolate is made from a derivative of Chuck Norris' shit.

Chuck Norris once played truth or dare there where no survivors. no one dares Chuck Norris and no one asks Chuck Norris to tell the truth.

When Chuck Norris makes cupcakes, the frosting on them is blood, just not his.

Chuck Norris' Christmas tree is simply Jesus' crucifix, complete with his skeleton, decorated with baubles, tinsel and lights.

Little known fact: Chuck Norris was a massive Doors fan, and for a while used to insist on being called Chuck Norrison. Then he heard that the singer moved to France, then scared him to death in the bathtub.

Proof that Chuck Norris is not God: It took God 7 days to create the world. The new "Super Earth's" found were round-housed into existence by Chuck in seconds.

According to Newton, everything is contrasted with an equal force. For example when you walk the Earth pushes back with an equal force. When Chuck Norris walks he pushes back at the Earth with an equal force, if he`s feeling generous.

No, meteor didn't kill the dinosaurs, it was Chuck Norris. Why? Chuck Norris doesn't like dinosaurs.

When Chuck Norris takes a piss the world shivers - hence earthquakes and tsunamies.

Chuck Norris' Hummer doesn't have a steering wheel, he drives while laying in the back seat using an N64 controller.

Chuck Norris can make your brown eyes blue...and black.

There is no Zuul. There is only Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris takes less shit than a drip-fed colonectomy patient.

Chuck Norris is the seventh level of hell.

Adamantium isn't nearly as hard as Chuck Norris.

All ten of Chuck Norris' fingers are middle fingers.

Theirs always something good on Chuck Norris's TV

Chuck Norris made the president of the feminist movement his beer wench.

Chuck Norris believes that Shanimal rocks.

Chuck Norris played battletoads..... after several failed attempts, the game rage quit

MR T pity's the fool. Chuck Norris pities Mr T

Shooting stars wish Chuck Norris wouldn't roundhouse kick them.

Chuck Norris' lampshades are made from Nazi war criminals.

The main reason science has no explanation for Chuck Norris-- no one has ever returned from studying him.

A Chuck Norris chess game is impossible to make because Chuck Norris doesn't have to move from his spot to Checkmate.

Chuck Norris can drift a Mack truck.

Chuck Norris once punched a cyclops between the eye.

Chuck Norris uses Spiderman as a hammock.

Wanna know what happened to Jimmy Hoffa? Chuck Norris happened.

Some children hang posters of Chuck Norris above their beds to catch nightmares.

Entropy in the universe increases one billion fold, after every roundhouse kick by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the only person who can gang up on you.

The descendents of Chuck Norris have divided into two widely known cultures: New Jersey and New York.

Chuck Norris turds are perfect cylanders

Chuck Norris can "Think Outside the Bun" at Burger King.

I saw a werewolf drinking a pina coloda with Chuck Norris. His hair was perfect..

Chuck Norris was at the zoo and accidentally fell into the lion pen. A fierce male lion charged up to Chuck, then politely showed him to the exit gate.

Chumbawumba found out the hard way you don't get up again after Chuck Norris knocks you down.

No one invented superman, it was just a rip-off of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can kick you once and give you three ass whippings.

Chuck Norris was asked what he thought of Justin Bieber. Chuck said the thinks Bieber is a waste of good toilet paper.

Chuck Norris lettered in 14 sports in high school. He would have had won letters in 15 if ass-kicking had been an officially recognized sport.

Chuck Norris can call himself on his own cell phone and not get a busy signal.

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING.

Chuck Norris' DVD commentaries on his movies are always dead silence, punctuated every minute or so by the cracking of a beer can.

Chuck Norris once played a game of Russian roulette with a fully-loaded gun. He won.

Chuck Norris's real father is Jack Churchill.

Chuck Norris is the real Mission Impossible.

I got rabies from a bite BY a rabid dog. Chuck Norris bit me and I was cured.

When the power went out at a Dallas TX shopping mall, Chuck Norris single-handedly rescued 14 blondes that were trapped on the escalators.

Chuck Norris knows where Waldo is hiding.

When theres a game to win the game (ones with ur voices) you sai CHUCK NORRIS I WIN

The guy that God prays to goes to Chuck Norris for forgiveness!

Until today, nobody knew that Chuck Norris' grandmother was the first Navy Seal.

When you yell Chuck Norris out a window, he can hear you. But when you yell out Bloody Mary, he finds and kills you.

Chuck Norris can make you piss your soul.

Chuck Norris' balls make a pumpkin look like a bronze bb.

The one and only time Chuck Norris ever took a hit of LSD, he wrote the theme song to 'The Beverly Hillbillies".

Everyone is born naked and crying, except Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris was born dressed as a little soldier, and came out marching.

Only Chuck Norris is allowed to take a dump off the Golden Gate Bridge. Onlookers boating in the bay celebrate the event by getting shit faced before the party drinking begins.

Chuck Norris likes to mess with the missionary man.

Whenever someone clicks on Chuck Norris' facebook page, they instantly get round house kicked

Chuck Norris once milked a bull. He then forced Michael Richards to drink it.

Chuck Norris Chuck Norris Chuck Norris Chuck Norris Chuck Norris Chuck Norris SHUT UP! no. Chuck Norris Chuck Norris Chuck Norris Chuck Norris Chuck Norris (keeps on saying it.)

Chuck Norris once launched a massive reverse roundhouse kick at a man's face, missed and struck a conrete wall. The man died anyway from the percussion shock.

Chuck Norris is going to make Dave Grohl his monkey wrench.

Little Miss Muffet Sat on a tuffet, Eating her curds and whey; Along came a Chuck Norris, Who sat down beside her And said "Whatcha got in the bowl bitch?"

Chuck Norris once thought that he a hemorrhoid on his asshole. When it fell off, he discovered is was actually a huge tick that died from blood poisoning.

one the boy said HELP HELP ITS CHUCK NORRIS

yo momma so ugly, Chuck Norris had to roundhouse kick her.the image of yo momma still haunts Chuck Norris to this day.

For 'American Sniper', Bradley Cooper got acting and beard-wearing tips from Chuck Norris.

You win some, you lose some. Chuck Norris wins some and wins some more.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once ate a whole turtle and when he crapped it out it was six feet tall and had learned karate.

When Chuck Norris pours milk on his rice crispies - they shut the hell up

The Grand Canyon was caused by Chuck Norris pissing there--Once.

Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two wooden rods attached to a chain were originally called Nunwaldos. Nobody knows what happened to Waldo but they are still looking for him.

If you closely watch the footage of the first moon landing, you can see Chuck Norris clinging to the underside of the landing craft.

Chuck Norris made a human centipede ages ago. That shit's played out to him.

Chuck Norris does not play Assassin's Creed, he follows his own creed - don't take shit from anyone!

Chuck Norris traced his family genealogy back 394 billion years to the world's first single cell protozoan ameoba.

In the year 1735 a meteor was hurling towards earth. It suddenly stopped at the site of Chuck Norris. It asked Chuck Norris for his autograph, then Chuck Norris roundhoused kicked it back to space.

A Chuck Norris beating is tax-deductable.

Chuck Norris gets a happy ending when strangling mountain lions.

You will never have to ask if that's Chuck Norris behind those Foster Grant sunglasses. Chuck Norris has no need to wear sunlasses. And there is nothing that would dare to even attempt to get infront of Chuck Norris!

Chuck Norris won the Tour De France...on reverse

Chuck Norris doesn't have an age - he has a half-life.

Chuck Norris was at a drugstore recently and mistaken for an employee. A lady asked "do you have cotton balls"? Chuck replied "no ma'am, mine are solid meat".

Michael Jordan is the Chuck Norris of basketball.

Chuck Norris found the end of a rainbow.

Only Chuck Norris can fulfill female commitment need.

Chuck Norris has the eyes of an angel and the soul of a saint. He keeps them in a footlocker under his bed. "

Chuck Norris ordered a chicken burger at In-N-Out and he got one.

Japan can still kill whales cause sushi don't fill Chuck Norris

Hitler killed himself because he got a death threat from Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesn't believe Feminism exists, because women can't resist Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris will beat you with his nunchucks. Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick you with his Chuck Taylors. Chuck Norris will feed you to the woodchucks. Don't fuck with Chuck!!1

In any given room, there are at least 1357 things that Chuck Norris can use to kill you........including the room itself!

Every morning Chuck Norris gets up and pisses excellence.

Chuck Norris was banned from the Winter Olympics because the judges didnt know how to score a double-lutz flip-axle roundhouse kick to the face!!

Chuck Norris is the fifth Beatle.

When Captain Phillips returned to sea.........he's bringing Chuck Norris this time!

When Chuck Norris goes to an ATM, the machine empties itself of all cash to Chuck Norris out of sheer terror.

Chuck Norris has no piercings, but he can pierce 1000 girls' ears with his nipples before he has to sharpen them.

Bloody noses happen because Chuck Norris thought about roundhouse kicking you in the face, but then changed his mind.

Chuck Norris rubs mint-scented asbestos on his gums.

Chuck Norris believes in robbing happiness from the rich and giving pain to the poor.

People wonder why Houston has a problem. . . Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris "Hit the Road" and came back

Chuck Norris once participated in a 100 mt race and obviously came first, but Albert Einstein died after watching that cos light came second.

Chuck Norris ate a 30 pound turkey in 6 minutes... including the bones.

If you ever meet Chuck Norris, it can only be better if Norris reveals he is your father, in which case your mother would have wholeheartedly believed him, and your ex-father would have been honored.

Chuck Norris can kill a man in a rap battle.

One night Chuck Norris had Chili for dinner. The very next day the Big Bang happened.

Chuck Norris doesn't bend the truth, he snaps its' neck.

The video game DOOM is loosly based of the time when the devil borrowed two bucks from Chuck Norris and forgot to pay him back.

a black hole is not created when a star dies, it is created when a star gets round-house kicked by Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris wants cookies, he crashes open a computer.

If you ever say 'have a nice day' to Chuck Norris, he will of course reply 'don't mind if I do' then immediately stab you in the throat with his car keys and enthusiastically bone your girlfriend as you die.

If you dare to eat a bowl Chuck Norris' homemade Texas Hot Chile and later take a dump, you'll need to wipe your ass with a snow cone.

Chuck Norris un-invented the parabolic hemorrhoid disruptor which is why you have never heard of it before now.

Chuck Norris buys all of his horses, long horn steers, feed and water at 7-11 convenience stores.

Chuck Norris wears a black belt made of nothing other than pure black holes.

Chuck Norris reports noobs and the noobs automaticly be banned from (Insert online site here) unlike the others

Which came first the chicken or the egg? Doesn't matter Chuck Norris is here.

Chuck Norris was vacationing in Spain and decided to participate in a bullfight. Chuck was disqualified because he didn't realize he wasn't supposed to knock the bull out.

If you are filled with terror that Chuck Norris is still out there, somewhere, that only proves that you are still sane.

Chuck Norris calls creditors..they always pay

Chuck Norris has a large, curved talon on each foot, much like the Velociraptor.

Fun Fact: No-one has ever sued Chuck Norris and lived.

Chuck Norris buries the hatchet... in the back of your head.

Chuck Norris left the toilet seat up. Got a problem?

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Chuck Norris gets around in a monster truck instead of a buggy when he's playing golf.

When Chuck Norris was born he roundhouse kicked his way out of the womb

Chuck Norris can be totally understood by Russian people, by simply speaking plain english and adding a '-ski' at the end of every sentance.

There is a portal in Chuck Norris' beard that opens to Mr. T's mohawk.

A Chuck Norris punch to the back of your skull will change your forehead into a fivehead.

Chuck Norris can crash your dorm party get all the women's attention and shit on the floor before he leaves, why? Because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is also known as Donkey Dong Norris!

Chuck Norris can force you to eat your own head.

Chuck Norris is the alpha and the omega. And all those other fruity letters.

Chuck Norris' parents WERE the unstoppable force and the immovable object.

Chuck Norris once pissed into a petrol truck....that truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris is the reason Osama Bin Laden is hiding

Chuck Norris drunk liquid cement.now he craps bricks.

Chuck Norris can slice and dice the atom.

Chuck Norris is so important he speaks in italics.

Chuck Norris is made out of Chucktanium, and Chuck Norris is the only one that has it. Good luck killing him for that.

Chuck Norris went up Niagara Falls in a barrel.

Chuck Norris doesn't edit Wikipedia, he roundhouse kicks the articles.

The Loch Ness Monster is a myth. Chuck Norris was just taking his pet dinosaur out for a friendly swim.

Chuck Norris can upload photo's of himself on you tube.

Chuck Norris actually smiles two or three times a year, proving that his facial muscles can withstand stresses which would pulp a regular human skull.

When Chuck Norris frowns, every human within 3 miles turns inside-out.

If released, the four-hour Chuck Norris/Kim Kardashian sex-tape will literally break the internet.

There are lesser apes and greater apes. Chuck Norris is the greatest apes of them all.

Only Expendables 2 earned its title as an All Star Movie, and that was merely by the introduction of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris irons his trousers with them still on.

How do you get to Carnagie Hall? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has a Grizzly Bear rug laid out on his family room floor. The Grizzly Bear isn't dead...it's just too afraid to move.

Chuck Norris declined an invitation to compete in the World Pepper and Chilli eating contest, saying he isn't in the mood for overindulging in candy.

Chuck Norris dosn't go bungee jumping off of bridges, bridges go bungee jumping off of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is gay. By saying that sentence, my life expectancy is down to three secon

Chuck Norris doesn't get shocked, the electricity gets Chuck Norris'd

When Chuck Norris plays monopoly he doesn't pay to get a property.

Chuck Norris is who Cliff Richards' heart was given away to last Christmas.

Chuck Norris can finish the "song that never ends".

Chuck Norris showed Paloma Faith that roundhouse kicks also hurt like love.

God created Chuck Norris because Chuck Norris allowed him.

Any man can make yellow snow. Chuck Norris can make brown snow.

So far, genealogists have only be able to trace Chuck Norris' ancestry back to Ivan the Terrible.

If you say Chuck Norris' name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.

Chuck Norris visited Americas Toughest Prison for a vacation. After 30 seconds of fighting, all the inmates asked to be transferred to Death Row.

Chuck Norris can describe a color to a blind person.

If you can read this, your gonna die from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can flush his toilet by simply scowling at it.

Chuck Norris can recite Bolivian poetry in Japanese Pig Latin.

Chuck Norris can track your IP address with the sun and/or moon.

Chuck Norris was once a guest on Top Gear. Chuck and his 18 wheeler beat The Stig's in a Veyron best lap by 14 seconds. Lucky Chuck Norris only had to change one tyre.

Steve Jobs died because Chuck Norris was pissed that the iPhone 4S wasn't the iPhone 5

In the movie Alien 5 the Asswhoopin', movie goers were astonished to see a small Chuck Norris burst out of an alien and proceed to kick the crap out of him.

Chuck Norris can waterboard you with a jar of M n' Ms

Chuck Norris like to do cartwheels up and down the aisles while the plane is landing.

Chuck Norris was once in Russia, people now remember it as "In Soviet Russia"

Chuck Norris' car runs off bubbles and the tail pipe takes his shaft like a champ

Chuck Norris can stop a red light!

On February 15, 2013, Chuck Norris hit a home run out of Rangers Ballpark that made it to Chelyabinsk, Russia before exploding. New personal best.

A Chuck Norris punch to the face has been directly linked to the causal affect of sleep apnea.

When Chuck Norris plays pokemon red, his starter pokemon choices are: Darkrai, Arceus, and Missingno. He, of course, takes them all and is ALREADY a pokemon champion.

Chuck Norris does not eat Honey, he eats the bees

Chuck Norris is in the death star trench run; Obi one kenobi: use the force chuck. Chuck Norris: F*** you old man, I use round house kick. Period The death star blew up with only one roundhouse kick and the universe was saved.

Chuck Norris falls in a pit with hundreds of Rattlesnakes. The next day he emerges with Rattleskin boots,belt,hat,jacket and noticeable weight gain.

If God knows all, sees all, and hears all, then God must be Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris convinced a dinosaur the earth is 6000 years old.

Chuck Norris was kicked out of the the NFl for refusing to wear a helmet or a pad of any kind...

Chuck Norris knows 10 different ways to spell Bob

Chuck Norris' calendar always has February 29th. Nothing skips Chuck Norris, not even time.

Chuck Norris can shoot men with a knife.

when the devil went down to georgia, he wasn't looking for a soul to steal, Chuck Norris got in and took over hell before anyone could tell him to get the fuck out.

Chuck Norris once developed a severe case of upset stomach after eating an entire live rhino. He had to pull the pin and swallow a live hand grenade just to be able to burp.

Chuck Norris made a pair of toy X-Ray vision glasses really work.

Hemorrhoids are a pain in the ass. And in legal terms so is a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to 'said same'.

Chuck Norris does not have a shadow. Who wants to get caught sneaking up behind Chuck Norris.

When E.F. Hutton spoke, people listened. That's because his friend Chuck Norris was ready to throttle any dumbass who wasn't paying attention.

When Chuck Norris goes to the beach, he doesn't need sunblock, the sun needs Chuckblock.

Chuck Norris can slap a schizophrenic sane.

If you see Chuck Norris fighting a bear, don't help Chuck Norris, help the bear. "

Chuck Norris turned lead into gold.

Prophet Muhammad is afraid to draw Chuck Norris

Facebook was originally Chuck Norris's personal webpage of pictures of the people he has roundhouse kicked in face.It filled up with so many people it leaked onto the internet.

Chuck Norris can hack the shit outta you with a samurai sword and make it look like you died of natural causes.

Stephen King refused to write Chuck Norris' biography, as he considered the story too 'scary and gruesome'. An enraged Norris ran him over in a panel van, then framed a hillbilly for it.

Bruce Lee didn't actually kill Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris was just bored of fighting so he took a nap

Chuck Norris is going to kill you if you read this and hes gonna do it with a feather that is how he rolls

Mickey Mantle's longest home run travelled about 565 feet from home plate Chuck Norris' longest home run travelled about 565 light years from home plate.

Whenever you knock on wood, that's Chuck Norris' cue to hack an orphan to death.

Chuck Norris has been there, done that, and got the t-shirt, cap, the mug and spoon set, and the woman who handed all that shit to him.

Chuck Norris' house pet is The Kraken. If you approach Chuck Norris' house uninvited, Chuck Norris will "release The Kraken".

Unlike a Timex, Chuck Norris' opponents take a licking and they don't keep on ticking.

A man once created a voodoo doll to exact vengeance upon Chuck Norris. As soon as he finished it, it immediately came to life in his hands and choked him to death.

Chuck Norris is edgier than all the ghettos of Detroit.

Chuck Norris was the first actor cast to play John McClane, the movies were originally called "Kills Easily"

All is Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris is All.

Chuck Norris has so many friends on facebook, he needs 3 accounts

Chuck Norris CAN see John Cena, and he still thinks he's a bitch.

Chuck Norris breathes fire, has laser eyes, spits acid, and pisses lava.

Chuck Norris demanded he be awarded a Nobel Prize or else he would destroy the world. To appease the great destroyer, the Nobel Committee awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for 1947 to Chuck Norris and Gandhi. Chuck Norris killed Gandhi the next day.

Whenever Chuck Norris gets mad he beats up the pillows in his couch.

"If it bleed... we can kill it" Chuck Norris on the set of Predator trying to steal Arny's job.

Chuck Norris doesn't pay attention, attention pays Chuck Norris.

An average guy going up against Chuck Norris would be like Woody Allen going into the ring with Mike Tyson.

Chuck Norris has a beard made of Brillo Pads

Chuck Norris has his own brand of cereal. Roundhouse Crunch

Chuck Norris once started a forest fire by clanging the wrecking balls down his pants together.

The so-called imaginary numbers used to be real numbers, till Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked them to oblivion. This incident is also responsible for most of the mysteries of the Universe.

"The Bride of Chucky" might be a scary movie. But "The Beard of Chuck" is even scarier... Chuck Norris FTW......

looking at Chuck Norris stare at me on this web page is scaring me

Chuck Norris can run so fast, he can actually shoot an apple off of his own head

Why did Colonel Sanders throw away his military career to fry chicken? Chuck Norris.

The California Redwood forest is Chuck Norris toothpick factory

Chuck Norris can beat The Impossible Quiz with 0 losses.

Chuck Norris completed his bucket list when he was 14. He officially retired that year.

Chuck Norris does not brush his teeth with a toothbrush and toothpaste. instead, he uses steel wool and hydrochloric acid.

Chuck Norris is the only true American patriot. If you suspect that .... you are gonna die by a swift roundhouse kick to your face. Nobody has ever found out who the kicker is.

After Chuck Norris takes a dump, he sprays his bathroom with a can of Glade Floral Spray. That helps and makes it only smell like a hippopotamus took a shit in a flower garden.

The police routinely question Chuck Norris just because they find him interesting.

Chuck Norris once punched a smartass so hard he was stopped for speeding 6 blocks away.

For Chuck Norris, pain truly is the cleanser.

Chuck Norris is so tough he scares the shit out of toilet paper.

Once Chuck Norris installed an internet in his windmill.

Once at a college frat party, Chuck Norris copleted a 2 1/2 gainer in tuck position from a chandelier into a punch bowl.

Chuck Norris knows the meaning of every word known to man... except mercy.

Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter

Chuck Norris doesn't swim. He beats the shit out of the water until it takes him to where he wants to go.

Chuck Norris is a lot like Dr. Dre: you should never, ever forget about him. Similarly, nor should you talk about guns like he ain't got none.

Chuck Norris can beat the impossible game......without dying.

When Chuck Norris says he has the power of attorney, he simply means he has the power (and desire) to beat you to death with one.

Bigfoot has a picture of Chuck Norris

Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out....then roundhouse kicked them through an oldsmobile.

Chuck Norris hungers only for vengeance.

Chuck Norris once sued the makers of the game 'Command And Conquer' for stealing the name of what he likes to do when attending a frat party.

When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

Chuck Norris recently broke Harrison Ford's ankle while he was busy banging Carrie Fisher on the Star Wars set.

Only one person ever disagreed that the BIg Bang was the birth of Chuck Norris and survived, Stephen Hawkins

The Truth will set you free; Chuck Norris will set you on fire!

Every pet Chuck Norris has owned could shoot laser beams out of there eyes

Facebook, not only a social networking site but also the shape your face takes when roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris.

At some point during his annual week long African safari hunts, Chuck Norris always finds the time to enjoy atleast one night of elephant tipping.

The only time Chuck Norris ever displays any sort of mercy is when his hemorrhoids are bleeding.

Chuck Norris is allowed to put Baby in the corner.

In an objective, scientific sense, looking at an image of Chuck Norris erodes your soul.

Chuck Norris walks into a bar. The bar says ow.

Chuck Norris is so hard he jumped from the effiel tower broke both his legs and walked to the hospital

Chuck Norris famously once said: "With great power comes great responsibility. But sometimes, y'know, fuck it."

Chuck Norris won the 2011 Texas Holdem championship by bluffing the last hand while his down cards were the Joker & the Old Maid.

Chuck Norris will only eat a Plantain Split.

Chuck Norris once pissed in a gas tank of a semi truck as a joke......that truck is now know as Optimus Prime

Superman is afraid of only two things, kryptonite--and Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris goes for broke, he always ends up with millions more.

While some people prefer peanut butter or jam on their toast, Chuck Norris prefers napalm.

The real reason dinosaurs are extenct is because Chuck Norris went back in time.

The drink doesn't choke Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris chokes the drink.

Chuck Norris said Daryl Dixon is almost as much a badass as me. Almost.

Some people show off by ripping phone books in half. Chuck Norris can rip them back into one piece.

Chuck Norris can un-spike punch.

Before the Boogyman goes to bed at night, he checks in his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was once offered the title of "The American Man" but declined it, For Chuck Norris is to awsome to be claimed by any country.

Chuck Norris recently created a new genre of music, by fusing country music with East Coast gansta rap and Swedish death metal while incorporating elements of Tibetian throat-singing. He calls it Norrisound.

After rigorous medical testing it was agreed that Anabolic Steriods are an exact match to Chuck Norris's urine

Chuck Norris does not checkmate. He Chuckmates.

There is a light at the end of every tunnel, just pray it's not the frieght train called Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can flip a coin and make it land on both sides at the same time.

Hannibal Lecter wears a "Chuck Norris is a badass" T-shirt.

Chuck Norris doesn't eat Oreos.... He eats Norreos.

Hot news from the Vatican...white smoke appears. Chuck Norris has been elected Pope! All ye of faith, welcome Pope Charles deNoir-iz Kikyorectumis.

Kryptonite is Chuck Norris' birthstone.

Chuck is short for "Charles".......Chuck Norris is short for "I'll fuckin kill you!"

Chuck Norris beat Mark Spitz's Olympic and world record 200 meter butterfy time by swimming through the WAL*MART concrete parking lot while chained to two dead bull elephants and a pregnant rhino.

If Charlie S+heen is winning, its only because Chuck Norris isn't playing.

When Chuck Norris ironed his clothes the steam was blood

Chuck Norris is so modest that his ranch isn't called "Chuck Norris's ranch." It is simply called "Texas".

What happened to the crew of the Mary Celeste? Chuck Norris.

In lieu of shark week. When Chuck Norris goes shark diving. It's the sharks that jump into a steel cage for their protection.

Chuck Norris put his rows in a duck.

Chuck Norris' microwave has killed many a creature.

If you ever see Chuck Norris' O face, you will turn to stone

Hell was created when Chuck Norris walked into a sauna.

Chuck Norris was constipated only once. So he ate 5 pounds of chocolated Exlax but it only resulted in one single "shart".

Chuck Norris once slipped River Phoenix a mickey.

When Neil Armstrong stepped onto the Moon, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him 900 yards and said, "That's one giant leap for a man, and a long damn wait for me."

Some men have been able to pull large objects like cars or trucks with their teeth. Chuck Norris is able to pull the entire U.S. Navy Seventh Fleet.

Chuck Norris knows the meaning of life. In fact, Chuck Norris IS the meaning of life.

Albert Einstein's hair used to be neatly combed...until the day he met Chuck Norris.

Chewbacca says "Sir" to no one except Chuck Norris

After reading about the April protests in Baltimore, Chuck Norris decided to attend the Orioles, White Sox game to protect the players. No protester or thug dared attend.

Chuck Norris invented awesome sauce by drinking hot sauce and spitting it out.

While playing Blackjack, Chuck Norris can bust without hitting. He just chooses not to because Chuck Norris never busts

Chuck Norris does not need a toothbrush when he brushes his teeth

Chuck Norris KNOWS where Waldo is.

Chuck Norris won the NBA Slam Dunk competition by just holding the ball.

Chuck Norris once beat a ghost to life.

Chuck Norris is a one army guy and he won world war 1 and he didint use a gun!!!

as a kid Chuck Norris beat the hell out of 1 of the beatles. next time dont piss him off.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a guy called Phil. Afterwards Phil became known as Empty.

Chuck Norris & the Late Chip Reese played a hand in the men's toilet in one casino in Las Vegas. The toilet is now known as 'Bobby's room'.

Calvin Klein always used to wear Chuck Norris' discarded slacks.

Chuck Norris will not be in The Expendables 3 simply because Stallone never wants to feel that terrified again.

Lindsay Lohan was actually on her way to having a great acting career before Chuck Norris sodomized her.

If Chuck Norris has 5 apples, and you take 2 away, you have about 3 seconds to give them back.

Chuck Norris can speak English, Spanish, French, Japanese, Russian, Italian, and Elvish- all at the same time.

Chuck Norris created the Sasquatch by setting fire to a Yeti with a flame thrower.

The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide

Chuck Norris recently invented The Internet 2.

Chuck Norris wishes that he could understand this 'fear' shit.

The original idea for the show Survivor was to put people on a island with Chuck Norris.............there were NO survivors and no one is brave enough to go retrive the footage!

Ironically, Chuck Norris once drowned an elephant in a 5,000 gallon vat of peanut oil.

Each time you rate this, Chuck Norris hits Obama with Charlie Sheen and says, "Who's winning now?!"

Chuck Norris taught Pai Mei from kill bill 2 the Five Finger Heart Exploding Technique.

Chuck Norris had a bit of a mean streak, even as a child. He regularly enjoyed scaring his pet Grizzly Bear.

According to Rocky Balboa, Chuck Norris has 'the eye of the tiger'. He keeps it in a pickle jar.

Chuck Norris once Round-House kicked a man so fast, his foot went at the speed of light, i't traveled back in time and killed the dinosaurs. Meteor? No, Chuck Norris.

After he was born, Chuck Norris immediately ate his own placenta.

So you hate Chuck Norris? Well it was nice knowing you. I hope you had good life.

The day of letting bulls go behind people in Spain is in fact the day Chuck Norris have to feed, so bulls had to escape.

Jesus walked on water, but Chuck Norris invented the boat

Chuck Norris once got a 500 in bowling. Without a ball. Or pins. Or oxygen.

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he tuns into Hulk. When Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris, when Chuck Norris gets mad, RUN LIKE HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If "Evil Dead" had starred Chuck Norris as originally planned, it would have shattered box office records and be hailed as a masterpiece of modern cinema.

Chuck Norris' lawnmower is equipped with a battery of hellfire missiles.

Chuck Norris cuts his fingernails with a hatchet.

When the sun goes outside,he puts on Chuck Norris glasses.

Chuck Norris stood up next to a mountain, and chopped it down with the edge of his hand. He then picked up all the pieces and made a little island. The only surviving witness was Jimi Hendrix.

Chuck Norris is nothing compared to DavidV. DavidV drowned a guy in fire.

Chuck Norris can make you disappear with just a blink of an eye, literally.

America is not a democracy. It is a Chucktatorship, after Chuck Norris!

To Chuck Norris, every zoo is a petting zoo.

A Chuck Norris divided against himself can still stand.

Chuck Norris doesn't avail for a broadband promo. he reaches out through the satellite in space.

Chuck Norris once had a zoo, he said that most of it tasted like chicken.

Chuck Norris can kill an ender dragon without any potion, Armours and weapons in Minecraft.

It's been discovered that the best possible weapon to have when the zombies come is Chuck Norris.

After meals, Chuck Norris picks his teeth with a pneumatic drill

On Day Zero, Chuck Norris created God.

Bikers call themselves "hang arounds" when they're with Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can chuck a schmuck like a puck.

Chuck Norris is a certifiable badass. That's right, he's got a certificate.

Chuck Norris never "raises the roof". he lowers the floor.

Chuck Norris always wanted to surf but couldn't. Everytime his board touches the water, the sea parts.

Chuck Norris once demonstrated CPR, and actually brought the dummy to life.

Chuck Norris got tired of hearing about the internet phenomenon about him. So he recently invented the Chuckroll.

Steven Segal is not a real person. He's just Chuck Norris in disguise.

Over the hills and far away...... CHUCK NORRIS COMES TO PLAY!!!!!!!!

Chuck Norris is the reason why nuclear bombs were invented.

Chuck Norris is actually every member of Slipknot. That's how fast he can change costumes.

Chuck Norris' father is The Most Interesting Man in the World of Dos Equis fame, and his grandfather was Teddy Roosevelt.

Chuck Norris won a gun fight without a gun

Chuck Norris can shine his boots to perfection just by using his foot and your ass.

Chuck Norris recently discovered that if you Build a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Chuck Norris can spit calligraphy.

Tim Tebow can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Time Tebow even further.

Chuck Norris has just left the building. He left it a smoldering pile of rubble.

Chuck Norris invented the Rosetta Stone Language Learning System, but found it useless, because he can already speak every language on Earth--simultaneously!

When Chuck Norris reads Creepypastas, he doesn't get scared. The creepypasta story gets scared by Chuck Norris.

A Bear can smell a drop of blood 2 miles away. Chuck Norris can smell fear 5.

Mickey Mouse wears a Chuck Norris watch.

Ghosts don't exist because Chuck Norris has never seen one.

Chuck Norris gargles with sulfuric acid.

Chuck Norris once pissed in a man's beer bottle and made him drink it. That man is now known as "the most intersting man in the world".

The Van Halen song "Runnin' With The Devil" was originally called "Running Screaming From Chuck Norris".

Chuck Norris' underwear can turn a clothes dryer inside out.

Chuck Norris weighs less than zero

All Chuck Norris facts should be told in a respectful whisper, whilst laying one's palms and forehead on the floor.

If at first you do not succeed.......you are not Chuck Norris

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Every time that Chuck Norris speaks, the expansion of the Universe halts for a split second.

the Speaking Clock calls up Chuck Norris to make sure IT is correct

There's no coincidence that an anagram for Chuck Norris is "crush rock in"

If you repeatedly say Chuck Norris 10 times....you explode.

Chuck Norris doesn't give you a 'pearl necklace', he simply kills you in a really gross way.

Chuck Norris' pet piranha, Steve, likes to catch fresh Rainbow Trout for Chuck.

Chuck Norris once sailed around the world and found a shortcut.

Chuck Norris doesn't trust you as far as he can throw you. Which is a fucking long way.

Chuck Norris is who taught Pai Mei from Kill Bill.

Chuck Norris can brew coffee out of tea leaves

Oh yeah, Chuck Norris brings it. He will bring it, put it down on the table, open it, get it out and sodomize you with it.

By twerking daily, Miley Cyrus is in training to build up her ass & snatch muscles enough to be the first woman in history to satisfy Chuck Norris in less than 5 hours by his pile driving rigid tool.

Chuck Norris once single handedly killed 97 Afghan terrorists with his M-16 assault rifle. Then he flipped off the safety and shot 500 more of them.

Chuck Norris thinks somebody has no sense of humor & needs a roundhouse to the rucksack.

Chuck Norris regularly breaks into the White House, just to scare the shit outta Barack.

Chuck Norris is the reason 'The Expendables 2' is rated PG-13.

For St. Patrick's day, Chuck Norris caught and crucified a Leprechaun, drank six kegs of green beer and roundhouse kicked the mayor of Boston.

A Chuck Norris movie will touch your heart. Then it will rip it out of your chest.

Chuck Norris was evil kanevil's stunt double.

Atomic bombs are Chuck Norris favourite food. They are so crisply and spicy.

If you've ever wondered where the wind comes from, it's Chuck Norris breathing. The next time it's really windy outside, Chuck Norris is jogging.

Chuck Norris brightens up the sun's day

The Movie Predator was in direct retaliation of Chuck Norris' Vacation to the Predator's Home Planet. Body Count: Predator: 5 Chuck Norris: 5 Million

Stevie Wonder can see what a badass Chuck Norris is.

Jesus Christ once said,"If someone strikes you on the right cheek turn to him the other also." He obviously hadn't met Chuck Norris.

There is a Chuck Norris fact number zero, but those who read it will get blind because that was Chuck Norrir's first created by Chuck Norris himself.

Children of cannibals think Chuck Norris is the Easter Bunny.

There is only two wonder in the world Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris' round house kick

Chuck Norris doesn't need help, help needs Chuck Norris.

Pediatricians and researches are unsure what causes colic in infants. A leading theory on its cause is infants are ruminating over the wrath of Chuck Norris.

When a young boy asked for Chuck Norris' autograph, he gave him a good solid kick to the face and left a permanent boot mark. This is Chuck's unique autograph, and that boy's face is now worth more money than the treasure from King Tut's tomb.

Chuck Norris drives Optimus Prime to work.

You can lead a horse to water, but Chuck Norris can make him drink eggnog.

Chuck Norris went to pick up his girlfriend at Mr. Stevie's House of Beauty. Mr. Stevie asked Chuck if he'd like a bikini wax, since he was there. Chuck asked Mr Stevie if he would like it if he reached down his throat and ripped out his tonsils.

Chuck Norris can bake a turkey, a ham and 3 pumpkin pies, all at once inside an easy-bake oven

Chuck Norris looks down on serial killers, due to their method's inefficiency.

Chuck Norris suckled from the teat of murder.

Chuck Norris made Kristen Stewart emotional.

'Vengeance' is one of Chuck Norris' many, many middle names.

When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, he never has to go to Jail, not pass Go and not collect $200.

People can swim on water but Chuck Norris can swim on Land

Chuck Norris gave birth to himself.

Snap, Crackle, Pop: 1) The sound made by Rice Krispies. 2) The sound made by the bones of those foolish enough to fight Chuck Norris.

As a 3rd grader at school, Chuck Norris played schoolyard dodgeball with all the other boys using 80 pound cannonballs.

Of course Chuck Norris screwed Barbara Walters back in the 20's.

Chuck Norris once fed a cannibal with a knuckle sandwich.

Chuck Norris is the only person who can punch you in the back of the face.

The Necronomicon is dedicated to Chuck Norris.

Don't bother praying to be saved from Chuck Norris; God was about to ask you the same thing.

Chuck Norris gouged out the "i" in team.

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris's glare will liquefy your kidneys.

Chuck Norris can make a banana split after he eats it.

Slash, of Guns & Roses fame, got his name when the toenails from a barefoot Chuck Norris roundhouse kick slashed the top of Slash's skull & hair off. That's why Slash now covers his deformity with a tophat.

Chuck Norris created "Where's Waldo?". He wasn't a fan of the name Waldo, so he round house kicked him in the face and no one has seen Waldo since...hence where's Waldo?

If you give Chuck Norris a fish you feed him for a day, but if you teach Chuck Norris how to fish, he will simply out fish you and then flog your face with a dead catfish!

Chuck Norris can lift Thor's hammer, Mjolnir...with his pinkie.

Chuck Norris can kick you in the nuts so hard, they will fly through your body up into your head and knock out your eyeballs, effectively replacing them.

When he was young, Chuck Norris wore a bear trap as teeth braces.

Chuck Norris wins NASCAR races with all right turns.

Bees sting Chuck Norris for a less painful death.

They had to build a second afterlife for all of the people Chuck Norris killed.

In The Bible, it says that Jonah was swallowed by the whale and the whale was swallowed by Chuck Norris.

The band still played on while the Titanic was sinking because Chuck Norris stayed on deck to watch them.

Want to have the scariest Halloween costume ever...dress up as Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can split/fuse atoms through his piercing stare.

Chuck Norris uses the planet Jupiter as his personal sauna.

One round-house-kick from Chuck Norris can deliver eternal energy to Earth

Chuck Norris got lost in the wilderness with Les Stroud and Bear Grylls. After 30 days only Chuck came out alive and had gained 20 pounds. Les and Bears bodies were never founds.

Chuck Norris invented Kotex MaxiPads. Originally they were used in hospital ER's to stop profuse bleeding from any part of his victim's body.

Chuck Norris can talk about Fight Club.

Chuck Norris can Supercharge an electric car.

Paramedics are now being taught to ask a person regaining conciousness- What's your name? How many fingers? What's the greatest Chuck Norris movie? And the answer had better fucking be Delta Force.

Chuck Norris was the 13th Apostle. The one who took over.

Chuck Norris never cries, because of this when he's sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris cannot fly. He just jumps and chooses when to come down.

Chuck Norris doesn't own a t.v. because when Chuck is around, he is the center of attention.

Tom Cruise lives with the certainty that one day, he'll bend over the bathroom sink to splash water on his face, lift up his head and in the mirror see that Chuck Norris is standing directly behind him.

Chuck Norris can get blood out of a stone.

Chuck Norris usually prefers to travel on the OUTSIDE of taxis, trains and commercial aircraft.

Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times

Apple pie is as American as Chuck Norris

Einstein was a genius. Chuck Norris is a genios, genious, and a genius.

Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet...He just scares the shit right out of it!

Chuck Norris sold 10% proprietary rights of his manly essence to The Jolly Green Giant. Now anybody can open up a can of Whoop-Ass.

Chuck Norris once frightened Christopher Walken. From now on he is known as Christopher Runnin.

Step on a crack, Chuck Norris will pulverize your spine. Then plow your mother.

Chuck Norris is the DEA and you are a meth lab door.

When Chuck Norris was 3 years old, he went Back to the Future in his Little Tikes car.

Nothing in the known universe is more badass than Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris taught the Mack how to mack, and also taught Supafly how to flap his muthafuckin' wings.

Chuck Norris sold Kajiji on KAJIJI

The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

When Chuck Norris tells you something, you fucking pay attention.

The Force is with Chuck Norris... for it's own good.

December 1 2013 will be the day Chuck Norris gets a playstation 5.

how many Chuck Norris' does it Chuck to Norris? Chuck. Fucking Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't even need to put the seat up when he urinates.

Chuck Norris gets more head then a pillow!

Chuck Norris once saved Superman's life. Just to kill him again.

People say that light goes faster than anything. Not true. Once a man named Joe insulted Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris then roundhouse-kicked Joe. Less than 1 second later, Joe ended up speeding out of the universe.

When he jumps into a pool, Chuck Norris doesnt get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris'new show is called "12" because he doesn't need "24".

Chuck Norris savors the sweet taste of ax-murder.

Chuck Norris scratches his back with a circular saw.

Question: What does LKCG stand for? Answer: Chuck Norris

A man was freaking out and told his shrink he had seen deamons in the dark. Turns out he had just had the misfortune of running into Chuck Norris on a dark street corner.

For fun, Chuck Norris crab fishes in the Bearing Sea with just a snorkel and a laundry basket.

haoerlkfsjkjfkjkpiku.. That's what you said after Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked your face in.

Chuck Norris' earwax is used by the U.S. Airforce as the radar deflecting final polish on the B-2 Spirit stealth bombers.

Chuck Norris would love to go to town on your town.

When the Hulk sees Chuck Norris, he turns back into Bruce Banner.

Chuck Norris committed the act hara-kiri last night. Later, he cleaned up the mess, cooked up some breakfast and went bass fishing.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to play games against people to beat their high scores. He just plays with himself and beats every highscore on every game on every console in the whole entire universe.

the Keebler Elves do not chose to live in a tree, they are just hiding from Chuck Norris

Whatever you're thinking of, Chuck Norris already thought of that.

Chuck Norris knows what a mystery meal tasts like.

Once back in the 60's Chuck Norris clipped his nails, a scientist found them and reverse engineered them to make Kevlar.

Chuck Norris invented pain so that he could torture people.

Jessie wants to be Chuck Norris' girl.

When life gives Chuck Norris lemons, HE SQUIRTS THE LEMON JUICE IN HIS EYES AND RUNS RAMPANT ON LIFE'S ASS!!

When you knock on death's door, Chuck Norris answers, and then kills you for knocking.

When Chuck Norris cuts an onion, the onion cries.

The New World Order reports to Chuck Norris.

a Ford Taurus was killed in a fatal Chuck Norris accident

Chuck Norris drank up all his alcohol. Then he puked out guns. Hell yeah i said guns. He used them to kill people.

The is more than one way to skin a cat. Chuck Norris knows thousands. It was a childhood hobby

Chuck Norris can make you cry with his unbelievable armpit rendition of 'The Star Spangled Banner'.

Chuck Norris likes to scare the shit out of Saint Peter by killing people so hard they smash into the pearly gates.

Little Chuck Norris would bring a carving knife to play 'duck duck goose'.

Chuck Norris can cause reverberation inside an anechoic room.

Chuck Norris says, 'if life gives you lemons, punch it in the nuts until it doesn't.'

When Chuck Norris was born the Doctor gave him the traditional slap on the butt. Instead of crying, Chuck slapped the Dr. back so hard it knocked him cold.

Chuck Norris guides MAPS where to go!

Nike says, 'Just Do It'. Chuck Norris says, 'shut the fuck up, boy'.

Z0mg CHUCK NORRIS ROXORZ!!!!111 one one 111!!!!

Chuck Norris says that fact is not about him

E equals M C squared. Chuck Norris equals death, period.

The people you see with brown teeth were in a room when Chuck Norris farted.

When Chuck Norris runs out of toilet paper he makes do with a handful of sandpaper.

Chuck Norris can shoot you without a gun...

Chuck Norris gets his chicken sandwiches and waffle frys FOR FREE

Chuck Norris entered the NFL Hall of Fame on the first ballot.

Chuck Norris once went Mach 17 on a 12 speed with no back tire.

He is never Missing in Action, He is.... Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris eats cold beans out of the can and thinks he's the next fucking Gordon Ramsey.

The speed of light is 186,000 miles per second. Chuck Norris' speed is unable to be calculated.

Chuck Norris does not need to use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Merriam-Webster dictionary actually changes it's own published spelling.

People pray to God. God prays to Chuck Norris

Some people can kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris can kill a dozen condors with one boulder.

Some tough guys show off by squeezing orange juice out of an orange. Chuck Norris squeezes whole oranges out of orange juice.

Allstate won't quote a rate for mayhem like Chuck Norris!

Chuck Norris can't rob a store, because everything on earth belongs to him!

If Chuck Norris uploaded a video on youtube no matter how stupid it is, Boom. Millions of views and subscribers. That's how Chuck Norris has more subscribers than pewdiepie, In Fact: Everyone in the whole world subscribed him.

God help anyone who dares play a Wii game against Chuck Norris when the nunchuck is involved.

To be or not to be is irrelevant to Chuck Norris, because he is both.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris can open PDF files with Microsoft Excel.

The straight and narrow path actually belongs to Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris reads a bedtime story you sleep forever.

The only reason Chuck Norris hasn't destroyed the world is because he was conferred with the honorary Nobel Peace Prize for his role in the film Sidekicks. The prize expires on December 12th, 2012.

The pizza delivery boy tips Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can deny the "License Agreement" and still be able to install the software

Chuck Norris toilet is made of stainless steel.

FACT: You are having a birthday because Chuck Norris decided to let you live another year!

Are your base are belong to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris wasn't born, he just got tired of wearing his mother.

A child once got a Chuck Norris action figure for his b-day and he made the mistake of calling it a doll... he hasn't come out of the coma yet

Nelson Mandela was not released from Robben Island prison in 1990. Chuck Norris broke him out of prison, roundhouse kicked ALL the prison gaurds, and safely escorted him to the coast of Capetown. Its good to have a friend like Chuck!

When in Rome, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicks you in the face wearing a toga.

Chuck Norris doesn't lay the smack down - the smack will get up and do his bidding.

Chuck Norris packs more nuts than Delta Airlines.

Whoever said "You can't win them all" obviously never met Chuck Norris

If you have $100 and Chuck Norris is broke, He still has more money than you.

Daniel Boone was known to wear a coonskin hat. Chuck Norris often wears a live wolverine for a hat.

One Million years ago Chuck Norris slapped the world, and to this day it is still spinning

Every time Chuck Norris flatulates, an albino condor fledges.

Once Chuck Norris peed against a fence. A police officer saw him and said - That's against the law! - No, said Chuck. It is against the fence!

The current stock market crash began when Chuck Norris faxed a Roundhouse kick to Wall Street

'Old Glory' is also what Chuck Norris calls his package.

Chuck Norris actually died a million years ago. Death just doesn't have the balls to tell him.

Chuck Norris once ate a Tank, in one single bite

Chuck Norris crouches down, puts his head between his legs, and charges up his super-sonic spin attack that can kill instantly and destroy whole buildings. That's how he rolls.

A clarvoyant once offered to read Chuck Norris' palm. After staring at it for about thirty seconds, her head exploded.

Chuck Norris once looked at an inmovable object and it ran in fear.

Life comes at you fast; Chuck Norris's Fist comes at you faster!!!

Chuck Norris can make you hang onto his every word, even the prepositions.

When a person goes to a plastic surgery clinic, the front desk doesn't hire a surgeon. They hire Chuck Norris.

Hitler killed himself the year Chuck Norris died... COINIDENCE?!?!?!

Chuck Norris had tonsillitis as a child. He reached in and pulled them out.

Only one woman has ever survived a slow dance with Chuck Norris, and she was a jeep.

Chuck Norris can play Sonic R on a Playstation and Crash Bandicoot on a Sega Saturn.

While playing his 1982 vintage Atari Asteroids game, Chuck Norris discovered & unlocked 3 easter eggs revealing a new multi-weapon pointer, the original Doom beta and the GPS coordinates for The Lost Ark of the Covenant.

Chuck Norris once sang "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" at a karaoke bar. Understandably, there were no survivors.

You know why Steven Segal never removes his pony-tail? Beacause Chuck Norris told him not to.

Chuck Norris ritually craps out quotes that all of us would be lucky to utter on our deathbeds

Chuck Norris can swim in a pool table.

Chuck Norris has to get his pedicures done at a local gristmill.

The sun doesn't shine on Chuck Norris. If it did well you know when a solar eclipse is coming.

Chuck Norris gave rock and roll to you. He gave rock and roll to everyone.

The Chuck Norris classic 'Delta Force' is so manly, you have to eat a side of beef before they'll let you buy it.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Chuck Norris is worth the New York Public library, packed floor-to-ceiling with 10,000-page micro-print encyclopedias.

Chuck Norris once found the mammary glands on his pet alligator. He milks her every morning and uses it to foam his morning lattes.

Rome wasn't built in a day, but Chuck Norris can destroy it in 2 hours.

Chuck Norris isn't American... he is America.

Once Chuck Norris played Scary Maze, when he met the scary ghost, she broke out the screen and escaped.

Chuck Norris killed "Digger" his toenail fungus character by simply ripping his toenails out on one leisurely Sunday afternoon.

There is a common misconception among Star Wars fans. Chuck Norris shot first, not Han Solo.

Chuck Norris is the only man alive that can be a badass while riding a moped.

Chuck Norris does not floss his teeth, he merely clenches them and blows out real hard in bursts for a minute. The resulting Chuck Norris teeth-product is collected and used as fertilizer by farmers in Taiwan.

there is no theory of evolution, just a list of species Chuck Norris allows to live

Chuck Norris can eviscerate a moose with his toenails.

Reportedly, the moment Chuck Norris was born, Hitler's actual jaw spontaneously dislocated.

Every Tuesday morning Chuck Norris goes crawling the whole of the Internet with his friends Googlebot and Slurpy.

Chuck Norris decided to try bull riding. He drew a nasty bull named Snort. When Snort heard Chuck was going to ride him, he went to his veterinarian, got castrated and changed his name to Daisy.

Chuck Norris isn't really a Texas Ranger, although mentioning such blasphamy in a bar setting will undoubtably start a riot. I highly recomend trying it out if you have balls 1/8th the size of Chuck's.

Women line up just for the thrill of giving Chuck Norris a hickey on his hemorrhoids.

It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.

Chuck Norris lives each day like it's your last.

As the old saying goes, You can't make an omelette without Chuck Norris cracking a few human skulls. Because basically he does that all the time.

Chuck Norris can touch a bottomless pit

Chuck Norris' face is on the One Billion Dollar Bill, which only he owns.

Chuck Norris doesn't need portals in the video game Portal.

Albert Einstein showed that E = mc2. Chuck Norris proved it by splitting an atom through fear.

Chuck Norris never asks if you are talking to him.

Chuck Norris tears the divider out.

When Chuck Norris goes to jail playing Monopoly, by the time he gives the bank $50 for bail, etc; his battleship has already murdered ten other inmates.

Chuck Norris was once turned loose in a china shop.

Fighting Chuck Norris is the one thing Meatloaf won't do for love.

If you ever make the mistake of confessing to Chuck Norris that you are a vegetarian, prepare to be immediately smothered to death by a slab of fresh veal.

when you split an atom, inside it says OWNED BY CHUCK NORRIS

When Chuck Norris dies, the world will end.

God help any Chuck Norris impersonator

Chuck Norris is all about that roundhouse kick, bout that roundhouse kick. No punches.

Chuck Norris' first name is The.

Chuck Norris threw a grenade that killed 100 people it then exploded

Michelle Obama twerks only for Chuck Norris.

Ironicaly, Chuck Norris lives in a round house.

Chuck Norris can easily read your mind, by simply shooting you in the face and examining the wall behind you.

Chuck Norris doesn't feel your pain... he causes it

Chuck Norris heard that nothing can kill him, so he tracked down nothing and killed it.

Chuck Norris shot an Eagle on the 14th hole at Pebble Beach. It was a Bald Eagle and died with a smile on it's beak.

On Chuck Norris's birthday, one lucky child is chosen to be thrown into the sun.

Chuck Norris brushes his face and washes his teeth

Chuck Norris once ate a full bottle of sleeping pills...they made him blink

Once Freddy Kreuger went to Texas, Chuck Norris appeared in his nightmares

Chuck Norris eats chili peppers to cool down his mouth

Chuck Norris can eat a Big Mac with his lips tied behind his back.

Chuck Norris eat Pain for breakfast

Chuck Norris smokes razor-sharp blunts.

Chuck Norris owns several very successful funeral homes. The reason why is debatable.

Chuck Norris customised his iPod so that it now doubles as a cattle prod. It's his iProd.

Chuck Norris doesn't wish on shooting stars. He doesn't need handouts.

All professional sports teams pay Chuck Norris Not to play--saves money on body bags and funeral arrangements.

Google doesn't search for Chuck Norris. It knows you don't find Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris finds you.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then trank three kegs and shat on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

The reason Link can't speak is because he got a roundhouse kick in the throat by an unidentified bearded man "Scientists believe him to be Chuck Norris"

Chuck Norris does not fly coach OR first class. He travels by transcontinental flying sidekick.

There are two sides to every issue: Chuck Norris's side and the wrong side.

A man walks up to Chuck Norris and ask for a lite...May he rest in peace.

Chuck Norris Rounhouse kicked Voldemort now he has n nose

The dinosaurs didn't go extinct Chuck Norris scared them out of existence.

To be the person who Chuck Norris is right now, he never learned from his failures because he never commits failure but success.

Electronic microscope pictures of the Y chromosome are just tiny photos of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris stapled two liquids together

Chuck Norris never runs, the ground down him that moves itself...

Chuck Norris once threw a cigarette butt out of his car window while passing through the Sahara Rainforest.

In America, Chuck Norris can beat you up. In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris can beat you up.

Chuck Norris' wife was hospitalized after she misunderstood when he told her to go to Cox's Department Store to buy him a seersucker suit. Instead, she went to Sears and bought him a cocksucker suit.

Chuck Norris is tougher than the speed of light.

Why does Chuck Norris lower your blood pressure? Because he's a beater blocker

The World's Most Interesting Man worships Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris contacted Smallpox. It made him sniffle and it evolved into Ebola. So he blew his nose while on vacation in Liberia.

The upcoming debut album by the Chuck Norris Experience is expected to become the highest-selling album of all time.

Chuck Norris always carries Pepper Spray.......In case he feels like some sweets.

Chuck Norris fixes the suspension on his Hummer when he limbo dances under it

Chuck Norris once ordered a Big Mac at a police stop... and fucking well got it.

Chuck Norris doesn't die: he just takes five minute breaks.

Chuck Norris finished in first and second place in the New York Marathon. He lapped the field once.

When Chuck Norris watches Dora the Explora, Dora doesn't ask any questions.

Chuck Norris can surf the net on his abacus

Chuck Norris once shot down a Russian MIG in an aerial dogfight. Chuck was flying in a hot air ballon.

Jimi Hendrix played a guitar. Chuck Norris played Jimi Hendrix

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death, he beats it fair and square.

If Chuck Norris is decapitated by a boat propeller, which happens more often than most people think, he can regrow his own limbs.

Chuck Norris cures women with aids by fucking them

Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty

Chuck Norris can lick his own elbows...both...at the same time

The Thousand Islands used to be one big island, but then Chuck Norris's roundhouse kick smashed it into pieces.

Chuck Norris has six assholes. And even he will need them all to shit enough corn & peanuts infused feces on the U.S. House of Representatives.

Chuck Norris understands the lyrics to "Louie Louie."

Chuck Norris don't know you from a bar of soap. However, he can easily murder you with one.

Satan has a ultimate weapon to try to destroy Chuck Norris. But sadly, it worked. But then Chuck Norris revived himself and kicked Satan's ass.

Chuck Norris doesnt believe in religion, religion believes in Chuck Norris

if i get five good things Chuck Norris will do a roundhouse kick and kick justin bibers ass

Q: What's the difference between 1) Facebook people, phone messages, and consumer fads and 2) Chuck Norris's fist? A: You can block the first 3!

they say Santa comes once a yer Chuck Norris comes twice a year

If you ever talk shit about Texas, don't be surprised when Chuck Norris teleports into the room and starts slapping you around.

Hammertime does not stop Chuck Norris

There's three poles in the world. The North Pole, The South Pole, and Chuck Norris' Pole

Chuck Norris wears green on St. Patricks day. Noone dares pinch him

Chuck Norris is such a badass he even asked Santa for a bag of coal for Christmas.

Chuck Norris pee's napalm and craps C4

Chuck Norris puts out forest fires with his piss, while singing I make it rain

Chuck Norris dosn't rock and roll; rock and roll Chucks Noris'

Chuck lives forever - You really want to know what happened to the dinosaurs? One of them made fun of Chuck Norris's 'stache.

Chuck Norris's wife had a baby,he did all the breast feeding!

If you dare to look at Chuck Norris' snakeskin boots, you will get a case of bleeding hemorrhoids before kicks them up your ass.

Chuck Norris recently hired himself as his new major-domo.

Chuck Norris is the best cop ever. Why? He can roundhouse-kick criminals straight to jail.

Chuck Norris was originally going to be in Cowboys VS Aliens, but the movie would have been over in about 3 minutes and 7 seconds.

Chuck Norris eats volcanoes for breakfast, and farts hurricanes while he sleeps.

Chuck Norris thinks Marcelles Wallace looks like a bitch.

The universe is always expanding at a faster and faster rate, that's because it's running away Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris never uses parachutes when he skydives out of airplanes because they only slow him down.

"Fear is the sustenance that need not be chewed." -Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once pitched a perfect game against the Chicago Cubs without throwing any strikes.

Chuck Norris goes on a daily walk to the moon!

Chuck Norris just returned home this morning from a martial arts demonstration in Yemen.

Gatsby was merely adequate before he got Chuck Norris' approval.

If Chuck Norris only had one leg, it would be called Hopper: Texas Ranger.

the only time Chuck Norris will cry is in 2012, when he's not the one killing everybody.

Once Chuck Norris actually tried on one of his roundhouse kicks. This was also the start of World war 1 and the aftershock of the beginning of World war 2

Chuck Norris recently won the World Horseshoe Pitching Tournament while they were still attached to a Clydesdale.

the movie "dont mess with zohan" is based on the true story of Chuck Norris' life

bir is just a high velocity Chuck Norris spit

CHUCK NORRIS CAN CUT THE PERFECT SLICE OF CAKE WITHOUT MESSING A SINGLE CRUMB, USING ONLY A BASEBALL BAT.

On a recent trip to Vegas, Chuck Norris won a hand of blackjack with 21 aces.

Once, as a child, Chuck Norris lied to his parents. Seconds later, their pants caught on fire.

Chuck Norris was selling a line of drinks called (Chuck Norris in a can) in a wide variety of flavors, but do to the fact that the drinks had a roundhouse kick of flavor, it had the same effect as a roundhouse kick.

In science, the hydrologic cycle is simply the process of Chuck Norris watering the garden to keep his feeding supply fresh.

The Black Eyed Peas inspiration for "Boom Boom Pow" is about Chuck Norris famous lethal combination. 2 straight jabs creating the "Boom" sound and finishes you off with the roundhouse kick to the head creating the "Pow" sound.

Chuck Norris visited his local Taco Bell and ordered a platter of Alaskan King Crablegs. The Taco Bell manager was pronounced DOA at a local hospital after he was only able to provide Chuck with a single chicken fried snail a la carte.

Chuck Norris puts his pants on by roundhouse kicking his closet.

During the Japan Tsunami a UFO was spotted flying out of the water.Recent news report Chuck Norris piloted the object. That object was his leg.

The world was a cube. Until Chuck Norris got there!

Chuck Norris and his Mom have matching tattoos. Left kuckle Right knuckle Chuck Norris . Left foot Right foot Chuck Norris. Only one difference. Above his Mom's hairy mat it reads Hello ! Above Chuck Norris's bearded Ass it simply reads Goodbye.

When Chuck Norris plays Halo 3, he uses only a pistol. He has never lost. EVER.

When many people end a threat with "or else," the "or else" is pain or punishment. When Chuck Norris uses "or else," it means horrible death.

If Chuck Norris was the lead actor of Mission Impossible, the movie would've lasted 1 minute.

Chuck Norris can sing "Yankee Doodle Dandy" in a Jamaican Reggae voice.

Chuck Norris scrathes his balls with barb wire.

After Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Theresa Caputo, the Long Island Medium in the face for being a fake, she really was able to communicate with the dearly departed...posthumously.

Chuck Norris can beat the Dark Souls video game in one play through without dying.

Chuck Norris pioneered the idea of multiple organ donations after ripping out the still-beating heart, kidneys, lungs, liver and eyes of some fool who scratched his car.

Chuck Norris can destroy a falling piano with a dime.

Clint Eastwood to Chuck Norris: Ask yourself, "Do I feel Lucky?Well, do you , punk? Chuck Norris with piercing hollow stare. You do know who I am, right? ...... Pow! Thud! " maybe you need to talk to the foot.

Chuck Norris is thankful for everything he's got. And that is everything on this planet, including the planet

Chuck Norris wins American Idol humming the Tetris theme.

Chuck Norris special orders his pencils without erasers because Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.

All libraries file Chuck Norris' novels in Non-Fiction

For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.

Chuck Norris' pet mouse, Mr Whiskers, ate a cat.

Chuck Norris once interrogated agent Smith.

Chuck Norris has never lost playing 'Whack-a-Mole'.

Santa actually gives everyone presents. It's just that Chuck Norris pounds some of them into coal.

Chuck Norris knows theory of Everything, but if he tells you he will have to kill you.

Attitudes have a Chuck Norris problem.

Chuck Norris ate tiny the tiger for breakfast and it was GGGRRRREEEAAAT!

Chuck Norris is the reason why Justin Bieber's voice is so high

Chuck Norris doesn't play billiards, as he pots all the balls on his first shot. You won't see this, you would have already been killed by the rebounding cueball.

I don't know why we haven't been able to explore Black Holes yet....just send Chuck Norris

The Kool-Aid Pitcher Man once burst through Chuck Norris' livingroom wall and said, "Oh Nooooo!"

Kevelar body armour is made from the nose hair of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once made a waterfall run backwards by sheer intimidation.

Chuck Norris doesn't have nightmares, nightmares have him

Genesis 32:30- I have seen the face of God Chuck Norris 1:1- I punched the shit out of it

Chuck Norris doesn't count his chicken before they hatch. He cracks them and eats them.

Chuck Norris can build a computer with Windows 7.

The fumes from a Chuck Norris fart can make Limburger Cheese smell a perfume factory.

Tony the Tiger knows that Chuck Norris is G-R-E-A-T!

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity and negative infinity, mutliple times, while waiting in line at the DMV.

When a young Chuck Norris learnt how to swim, he didn't need any floaties or vests. He swam laps with his feet encased in concrete.

When the Oracle told Chuck Norris he wasn't the ONE, he laughed and roundhouse kicked her in the face.

It is impossible to beat Chuck Norris in rock, paper, scissors since his roundhouse kick beats all. Yes, even the bomb.

Chuck Norris forced the Beatles to change the lyrics to many of their songs, including "All You Need Is Chuck", "Hey Jude (Chuck Norris Fathered You)" "I Am Chuck's Walrus" and "Everybody's Got Something To Hide Except Chuck Norris".

Chuck Norris' uvula is the size of a punching bag.

Chuck Norris' bodyguards a lucky to have Chuck Norris as their bodyguard.

Of course God is a woman, she's Chuck Norris' bitch

Chuck Norris talked to himself in his mother's womb.

Chuck Norris invented facial piercings back in the 60's when he rammed a hippie head first into a fisherman's tackle box.

Chuck Norris' living room is a full-scale replica of the final level of Doom.

Only Chuck Norriss' fights start with the end.

Chuck Norris uses barbed wire as dental floss.

Chuck Norris was the Da Vinci's Code. Nobody ever had the guts to decode it, knowing that.

The sunami in Japan was an accident. Chuck Norris just wanted to splash around in the tub.

Chuck Norris can kick u in the back of the face

there isn't an I in team but there is an I in Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris requires a recking ball to bowl

Chuck Norris looked at a grayard and said what have i done

Chuck Norris knows how to shut down Skynet. Warner Bros beged him not to so they can make some money out of it.

Chuck Norris's "Will" will never be stronger than Chuck Norris.

The last guy to play frisbee with Chuck Norris was actually Bob Dole.

It is a well known fact that too many uninformed people, now deceased, took Chuck Norris for granted. It is equally true that all living, well informed individuals take Chuck Norris for granite.

Chuck Norris dung glows in the dark and emits a barely audible hum.

Chuck Norris is allergic to mercy. Enough said.

Chuck Norris is considered a sensitive, new-age guy... who just happens to own four gatling guns

Chuck Norris doesnt Shit bricks, he shits full size buildings, hence the invention of the Pre-Fabricated homes.

God said to the world, "Let there be light!" Chuck Norris said, "Say Please"

Chuck Norris can lift himself three feet in the air while urinating.

Fred Long won the Oscar for Best Costume Design for Invasion USA, for providing Chuck Norris with tight jeans.

If you slap Chuck Norris......oh god i just cant say it...hes behind me.

Chuck Norris fought a zombie bare-handed and won.

Chuck Norris can make RuPaul dress like a man.

Chuck Norris can unscramble eggs in a Vita-Mix blender.

Chuck Norris once farted and lit it on fire as a joke. We now call it the sun.

Chuck Norris gives the same Christmas gift every year: he lets you live.

Want to know what Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick feels like? Go ask Stephen Hawking

Chuck Norris can burp Haiku verse in hex.

Chuck Norris was supposed to star in the movie "Zombieland". The zombies were terrified of him and Woody Harrelson had to replace him.

Some of Chuck Norris' favorite comedies include Reservoir Dogs, 300, Scarface, The Wild Bunch, Terminator II, Rambo III, Natural Born Killers, Conan the Barbarian, The Godfather, and Apocalypse Now.

Chuck Norris once created a rock so heavy that even Chuck Norris couldn't lift it, then he lifted it anyway, just to show the who the fuck Chuck Norris is.

The Grim Reaper is actually Chuck Norris's son.

'Chuck Norris' in Canadian is 'Sasquatch'

Chuck Norris is not afraid of a skin walker

Chuck Norris doesn't smoke cigars. He smokes smoke grenades.

christmas fact: Chuck Norris can put you on the naughty list. That ends with a roundhouse kick in your face.

Chuck Norris won the 2011 Las Vegas Blackjack tournament by taking 22 hits on his last hand.

Someone once used Chuck Norris' name in a men's restroom graffiti. That is correct, "once"! The body of a castrated man was later found by police floating in the city sewer system.

Chuck Norris can whistle underwater.

If you ever insinuate that bearded men are insecure, the last thing you will ever see is Chuck Norris sprinting toward you.

Bigfoot has plaster casts of Chuck Norris' foot prints.

Chuck Norris likes his meat so rare; he only eats unicorns.

The only thing that can survive a nuke is twinkes. And Chuck Norris.

The Chuck Norris commandments: Thou shall not misuse your lord Chuck Norris name. (Chuck 1:3)

Chuck Norris makes Bear Grylls look like a goddamn shut-in.

Chuck Norris starred in a sequel to the movie "300" It's called "1"

if someone challenges Chuck Norris, life ends on earth

Whenever there is an earthquake, know that Chuck Norris is not very far away.... and the earth knows it

Chuck Norris died yesterday. He's fine today.

Chuck Norris had appendicitis so he removed his appendix with his pocket knife and closed the wound with a staple gun.

Chuck Norris was hit by a train and the train was found 3 days later beyond recognition

When Chuck Norris shaves his beard, it grows back within three minutes. That's why his early movies were so damn hard to film.

Saddam didn't invent mustard gas, Chuck Norris ate baked beans and farted

Chuck Norris is the only living person who ever skyped from a rock.

Once, while tooling around in his Delorean, Chuck Norris accidentally went 4.5 billion years into the past. Before returning to the present, he hocked a wad of phlegm out the window. And that is how all life on earth began.

You quickly realize you've had a bad encounter with Chuck Norris when you reach over your shoulder to rub something off your back and discover it's your face.

We're taught Jesus died for the redemption of our sins: past, present and future. If Chuck Norris sins, we're totally screwed. We'll need a bus full of Jesuses, for something as minor as when Chuck Norris says "God dammit".

Chuck Norris will only feed his pet canary, "Twinkles" strictly a diet of live peregrine falcons.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but Chuck Norris will always hurt me.

Women are known to undergo involuntary ovulation at the sight of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can do donuts in a steam train

Jesus could walk on Land. Chuck Norris can swim through land.

Love is a battlefield. Chuck Norris is Field Marshall.

Chuck Norris named the Dead Sea. He also swam to the bottom of it.

If life hands Chuck Norris lemons, he makes beer...

Chuck Norris uses lemon juice for eye drops

James Bond's license to kill was issued by Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can ride a BMX bike while wearing bigass MC Hammer parachute pants.

Chuck Norris can get to the center a Tootsie Pop, in just one lick.

DNA: Deoxyribonucleic acid CNA: Chuck Norris, asshole

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a horse in the face, its descendants are now called the giraffe

Chuck Norris can mix water and oil.

Chuck Norris can blow-out a volcano.

Why do birds suddenly appear, every time Chuck Norris is near? Just like me, they long to be... close to Chuck

Chuck Norris once fought with his roundhouse kick and defeated it. LOL!

Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from Chuck Norris...it never made it to the other side.

Chuck Norris pee'd his name in the snow at Aspen. He was standing in Dallas.

When Chuck Norris was born in 1940, the only person who cried was the Doctor.

Chuck Norris super human kicking speed is the reason The Flash can be seen in slow motion running bare footed.

When he was a kid, Chuck Norris invented an imaginary friend, whom he called 'God'. Everyone got in on the act, and religion was born.

When Chuck Norris travels from Africa to North America, he crosses through the Bermuda triangle

Chuck Norris once defeated a alligator, a bear, and a cougar by tying them together with a anaconda

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was afraid to be on the same side as Chuck Norris.

If Chuck Norris ever dies, the US government will give him a twenty-one-nuke salute, on France, just like he wanted.

Chuck Norris' dog once ran into the street, and a car got ran over by it

Chuck Norris slaughters anyone named Chuck or Boris.

Chuck Norris fears nothing. But fear fears Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was annoyed by the noise coming from his neighbor's house. So he punched his neighbor in the throat and moved his house over four blocks.

Greek Gods fled to Mount Olympus they saw Chuck Norris wandered on earth.

Chuck Norris believes some people can only be taught a lesson via gunshot.

Chuck Norris tells Scorpian to "get over Here"

Chuck Norris Invented Cars so that you can get away from Chuck Norris..... Too bad that cars arent fast enough...us

Chuck Norris was banned from the show Survivor, his primal instincts take over; he killed and ate 5 players. Survive to Chuck Norris means something different.

Hitler killed himself when he saw Chuck Norris.

If Chuck Norris stretches every muscle in his body, he'll suck up the universe because of high gravity.

Tommy is the only Ramone left because he followed Chuck Norris's advice and bought a Total Gym.

Chuck Norris once spit through a man's skull.

Chuck Norris is the answer to the question, "What's the worst thing that could happen?"

Chuck Norris once did a woman so hard she had to change churches.

Chuck Norris punched a gift horse in the mouth

Chuck Norris inhaled helium and had a much deeper voice.

All the religions of the world believe that reading Chuck Norris facts aloud daily increases your chances of surviving till the next day.

Some people swallow live goldfish on a dare. Chuck Norris prefers live piranha.

Chuck Norris easily won on 'Iron Chef America' by microwaving 2 ham & cheese Hotpockets. Prior to the show, he advised the judges he would provide them with thier choice of either Hotpockets or a knuckle sandwich.

The cookie crumbled because Chuck Norris glanced at it

Kramer vs. Kramer. Chuck Norris won.

Chuck Norris began weight training at age 3. He bench-pressed a 747 ten times.

Chuck Norris was in the Congo and encountered a cannibal. With one piercing look from his steely eyes, Chuck turned him into a vegetarian. Permanently.

When Chuck Norris air guitars, you can hear it playing. If you cannot - your death is imminent.

Back in 1980's New York Chuck Norris used to walk around carrying two massive ghetto-blasters and still be able to drink a beer.

Chuck Norris's blood smells like cologne.

Chuck Norris never needs toilet paper to wipe his ass,his Godly ass wipes it himself.

Chuck Norris dosen't call 911.. 911 calls Chuck Norris..

"He protects woman, and kills enemies. We should all be like Chuck Norris" - Israli Officer

It is said that a watch pot nevers boils, but in Chuck Norris case a watch pot boils in an instance out of fear and retallation from Chuck Norris

The devil has a Chuck Norris-may-care attitude.

After Chuck Norris merciless killed 27 Ninjas while vacationing in Japan, the Japanese government said that he should be hung. His response was, "don't worry about it, I already am".

Chuck Norris killed the electric car.

Chuck Norris don't need no academy award, he owns the goddamn academy.

ya know how you cant eat just one lays chip WELL Chuck Norris CAN

Bob the Builder. Can he fix it? .... Not while Chuck Norris is alive.

Chuck Norris kicked Maggie and the Ferocious Beast so hard they woke up in Nowhere Land.

Chuck Norris once knifed a guy to death then beat up the knife.

Chuck Norris can outrun his legs and feet

When Chuck Norris first saw his reflection, he was shocked to see that there is another man as manly and good looking as him. So he said "boo" and the relfection promptly rolled over and died.

When Chuck Norris pulls a rabbit out of a hat he gets the entire Playboy Mansion.

The greatest trick Chuck Norris ever pulled was convincing the world that the Chuck Norris facts are just jokes.

Chuck Norris once paralyzed a man in a thumb-wrestle.

Chuck Norris's beard is so tough that he can use it as a shredder.

Chuck Norris only smokes cigars after making love. He's a forty-a-day man.

Chuck Norris cuts his steak with his fist.

Chuck Norris beat the hell out of Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson with a plank of wood.

Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick you to death if you laugh at Chuck Norris jokes. He will also roundhouse kick you to death if you don't laugh at Chuck Norris jokes. The choice is yours.

Various pieces of the official Lego Chuck Norris set have choked a record number of kids.

Most people need a liter when they burn down a forest. Chuck Norris only needs his ass and his lazer vision.

When taking baths, Chuck Norris didn't have rubber duckies as a kid. He had toothpicks and nails.

Contrary to popular belief, not even carrying a turd in your pocket can protect you from Chuck Norris. Heck, even ghosts are afraid of turds!

No one wants Chuck Norris to follow them on twitter

The square root of Chuck Norris: pain. Chuck Norris squared: death. Chuck Norris cubed: you don't want to know.

When Chuck Norris turned nine he finally kicked his parents the fuck out of his house.

Jesus wears a WWCND bracelet !!!!!!! What Would Chuck Norris Do....

children check under their beds and in there closets for the boogeyman but the boogeyman checks under his bed and in his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris killed both Biggie AND 'Pac

A reporter asked Chuck Norris what he thought when the news runs a story about the Kardashians. Chuck said "I think that's a good time to take a big dump".

Chuck Norris once hit a home run with a grand piano.

The DeathStar wasn't a destroying machine, it was one of Chuck Norris' balls.

Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

A Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the head is the reason Eric Holder can't remember his involvement in Operation Fast and Furious.

Chuck Norris usually finishes typing before the words start getting displayed on the screen

Chuck Norris is the reaso Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris said 5 "Bloody Marys" and 3 "Candymans" Simultaneously in an abandoned warehouse mirror. He then saw both of them run away from him.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Chuck Norris farts helium, which is tapped by the US Meteorological department to send balloon up into ionosphere. True fact.

Chuck Norris made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.

Chuck Norris owns a 747 convertible.

an acorn planted in a pile of Chuck Norris shit will grow into an oak tree overnight

Chuck Norris relaxes in his acid bath to the soothing strains of Norwegian black metal.

Chuck Norris has downloaded the whole internet

Of course Chuck Norris' closet goes to Narnia.

When Chuck Norris heard about Child Abuse, he made Aduld Abuse.

Chuck Norris wipes his ass with a Brillo Pad.

The reason why Chuck Norris can get away with all of his thousands of murders is because he his 'preventing future crimes'.

Chuck Norris once passed a kidney stone off the coast of Long Island. It sank the Titanic.

Chuck Norris once threw a 'block party'. The city of Detroit filed for bankruptcy the next day.

Contrary To Popular Belief, Chuck Norris Won Super Bowl 46. By Phone

When Chuck norris gave birth to himself god said "O' my chuck!"

Chuck Norris roundhoused a guy so hard he starved to death before he stopped sliding.

Every time a bell rings, Chuck Norris fucks a woman named Sarah Connor.

Chuck Norris shits in urinals.

Chuck Norris does not pay bills, bills PAY Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the reason the penguins live in Antarctica.

Chuck Norris once went to Sea World, and wrestled an orca to death.

Most people have 23 chromosomes, Chuck Norris has 72 and they're all poisonous

When Chuck Norris was born, he poped out with a tactical knife in his hand.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever successfully complete Harvard medical school and Harvard law school.....at the same time.

Dragon Ball Z was based upon all of Chuck Norris's moves

Chuck Norris' digestive system can dissolve corn and peanuts.

Chuck Norris took a ccoking class in the 7th grade. For his first assignment he barbequed a wolverine.

If you dont believe God exists, he doesnt believe you exist, and soon you should expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face....(Chuck Norris is God.)

When Chuck Norris has to lay low from the cops, his alias is Not Chuck Norris. He has photo ID and everything.

The buck stops at Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris always signs his cheques with a bigass peacock feather.

Chuck Norris put Lysol out of business, he kills odor too

Chuck Norris solved the illegal immigration problem. He replaced every "U.S. Border" sign with "Norris Ranch".

Jack Links Beef Jerky wanted to film a series of "Messin' with Chuck Norris" commercials. They later had to settle for Sasquatch because they couldn't find any actors dumb enough to mess with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't get sucked away into tornadoes. The tornado gets sucked away into Chuck Norris.

The Terminator peed his pants when he turned around and saw Chuck Norris behind him.

When face to face with Chuck Norris, the honey badger DOES give a shit.

Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to blow out the candles on his birthday cake . They just know what to do and when to do it.

Chuck Norris loves to throw horseshoes. He had to give it up. Texas ran out of horses.

Chuck Norris receives mothers day cards for giving birth to twins: WAR AND PEACE!!!!

Chuck Norris can roll a stone and make it gather moss

Chuck Norris doesn't buy shoes; they grow out of his feet.

fish gotta to swim and birds gotta fly... but if Chuck Norris tells them to do otherwise... then those fish better start flyin!

The recent financial debacle was not due subprime mortgage lending and the housing bubble bursting. The real reason was Chuck Norris stopped lending to banks.

Chuck Norris doesn't get drunk. He simply lowers his IQ to yours.

Some have said to seeing Chuck Norris levitate. Truth is, Earth just moves down when he farts.

Chuck Norris can stare an enemy into submission, but it's a lot more fun to roundhouse kick their ass

Chuck Norris was not made by god.God was made by Chuck Norris

When a telemarketer phones Chuck Norris' number, the first thing they hear is the pleading voice of one their loved ones.

The real reason why the Titanic sunk was because Chuck Norris was swimming under water and crashed into the Titanic by accident.

If you google "What is the purpose of life?", a picture of Chuck Norris pops up.

The day before the MTV awards, Miley was broken in by Chuck Norris.

If Chuck Norris ever starred in Jaws, the movie would be called: "Dentures".

Chuck Norris threw a knife in MW3 and killed someone in skyrim.

Chuck Norris is not photographed. The film just tries to emulate him.

Chuck Norris once beat Pokemon Black and White. He hacked once, though this was so when he got a Pokemon, it immediately turned into a Metapod. None ever used Struggle.

Chuck Norris is the reason The Divynals touch themselves.

Chuck Norris is the only person on Earth who can literally be beside himself. You don't want to be around when they do that.

Chuck Norris kills time. With two meat cleavers.

Rick James died of a heart attack when he heard the words 'I'm Chuck Norris, bitch'.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever win a game of chess in one move. A round-house kick to the head!

Steven Seagal crossed the road because Chuck Norris stuffed Seagal's head up a chicken's ass.

When the Terminator goes to the cinema, he watches only Chuck Norris movies.

The last time Chuck Norris had a brainstorm it knocked out power to 3 major US cities at once

Whitney Houston was recently found dead in a Hotel room with drugs all around her body. She overdosed once she found out Chuck Norris was actually her father.

Chuck Norris' bathroom shower is equipped with with automatic Tazer guns that provide him with that calm, fresh, relaxed feeling before each new day of face punching old ladies delaying traffic in crosswalks.

A dentist once lost his arm trying to remove a young Chuck Norris' tonsils.

Chuck Norris can make a slinky go up the stairs.

Chuck Norris recently got Sylvester Stallone in a headlock and told him 'motherfucker if I ever hear you fucking swear I will motherfucking kill your entire motherfucking family, bitch'.

Chuck Norris nags and bitches at women for leaving the toilet seat DOWN.

Freddy Krueger can't sleep because he is afraid of Chuck Norris appearing in his dreams.

When Chuck Norris was little he followed a rainbow. He met a leprechaun and asked for its gold. It wouldn't give it to him. This is why we no longer have leprechauns. "

Chuck Norris' house has a ceiling, but no roof

CHuck Norris' Mother has a tatoo of Chuck Norris on her right bicep.

Chuck Norris was expelled from the 5th grade when he took Steve, his pet Velociraptor for show and tell.

If you're going to prison, simply tattoo 'PROPERTY OF CHUCK NORRIS' on your lower back, and you can drop the soap all you want.

Chuck Norris keeps a grenade launcher hidden inside his grand piano.

When Graham bell invented the phone he found three messages from Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris snorts crushed-up glass.

To err is human. To forgive is divine. To kill is Chuck Norris.

This is Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris kills cyclops by punching them between the eyes. Chuck Norris kills all the bad guys without reloading. Chuck Norris is the greatest at being the greatest at everything. NO NOT attempt to be like Chuck.

The DEA raided a hotel room to capture a man sniffing cocaine, upon knowing that it was CHUCK NORRIS they all hancuff and arrested themselves!

When Chuck Norris was on the Apprentice, the first thing he'd did was fire that smug Donald Trump.

Physicists have recently discovered that the universe began when Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked a singularity (the big bang).

The force actually has three sides. The light side the Darkside and the Chuck Norris side

Chuck Norris is always ahead of everybody else. But during Daylight Savings Time he is 2 hours ahead.

"Chuck Norris can satisfy a woman by pointing at her with his finger and saying "Booya" "

The Death Star's original name was Space Station Chuck Norris.

Bon Jovi went out in a Blaze of Glory because they stood behind Chuck Norris when he lit a fart!

Chuck Norris discovered the evolution of evolutions.

Chuck Norris invented decaf coffee by punching a coffee bean.

Chuck Norris does not hang ductwork. Ductwork hang's itself when it encounters Chuck Norris.

To prevent air pollution and save energy, Chuck Norris swallows smoldering coal and then eat raw fish to cook it inside his stomach.

you don't shut up you shut down - Chuck Norris

Jesus didn't walk on water. Chuck Norris carried him.

Chuck Norris can make a hockey puck dissolve in his mouth in less than 15 seconds.

The Titanic didnt sink because of an iceberg.. Chuck Norris just went out for a swim

Remember when I said Chuck Norris was slower than Sonic. I lied. Their top speed is equal.

If a tree falls in the woods, not only did Chuck Norris hear it, he probably kicked that motherfucker over too.

Gordon Ramsay said that Chuck Norris' peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are outstanding and suitable for 5 star gourmet restaurants.