🥋 General Facts

Chuck Norris can hit a banjo in the butt with a bull.

Chuck Norris considers hurricane force winds to be "a nice breeze".

If Chuck Norris were to glare at 'The Situation' it would instantly transform him into a beer bellied redneck hog farmer.

Chuck Norris is the only man in history to win a Tag Team championship solo.

If you see Chuck Norris, and he's moving, it's already too late to run.

It was once known as "The Bad Humor" ice cream, ice cream truck and ice cream man. Then,Chuck Norris resigned.

You become aware that Chuck Norris has just roundhouse kicked you in the face when you reach over your shoulder to rub something off your back and find out it's the floor.

Many a cowboy has ridden a brahma bull barebacked. Chuck Norris has ridden many a grizzly bear bullbacked.

How come so many Godzilla movies were made? Because they never hired Chuck Norris to kill him off once and for all.

Chuck Norris once downloaded the entire Internet

Chuck Norris can crush walnuts between his ass-cheeks. He can also do this to beer kegs and human skulls.

Dont waste your time. Die from Chuck Norris! :D

Chuck Norris can pleasure a woman by simply pointing his fingers and saying "Booyah".

It is against Islamic law to depict Mohammed. But no one has ever called Chuck Norris on ripping Mohammed's balls off. They're in the Smithsonian.

Chuck Norris doesn't get frostbite, Chuck Norris bites the frost.

Chuck Norris can sit on the dock of the bay and watch the tide roll away, without wasting a second of time.

Chuck Norris owns a large private estate in the middle of the Atlantic. We know as the Bermuda triangle. Chuck Norris does not tolerate trespassers

Chuck Norris's parents used police bullet proof vests to make his diapers.

Chuck Norris can do a cannonball off the diving board without making a splash.

Anatomy and Physiology is now the study of how and why our bodies are ultimately inferior to Chuck Norris'.

Chuck Norris' driver's license simply shows his shoe size.

If Chuck Norris ever dies, the US military will honor him with a 21-nuke salute, on France, just like he always wanted.

Chuck Norris knows how the Neverending Story ends.

God didnt create Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris created God

The automobile air bag was originally a failed invention to try and soften a blow from a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris has to 'dumb it down' when chatting with Stephen Hawking

Chuck Norris can stop the the Brian Adams started.

Chuck Norris ... yeah that's right.

When Chuck Norris has heartburn he eats a dozen Bhut Jolokia peppers then he drinks a gallon of napalm, then he eats a lit cigarette

Chuck Norris is the reason chihuahuas always tremble.

Chuck Norris is the reason Tupac is hiding.

Chuck Norris does not age. Every birthday, it's just another year added to his existence, which sucks for you.

Chuck Norris sensed a great disturbance in the force. Then he laughed, because he realised it was himself.

The reason why we have night time is because Chuck Norris commands the sun to go to sleep.

The first title was alien vs. Predator vs. Chuck Norris , but no one wanted to see a movie that only lasted 14 seconds.

Chuck Norris can eat an apple through a tennis racket

It was going to be called 'Expendables 2: The One With Chuck Norris', but he decided to give all the other movies a break.

It goes without saying that you can't hold a candle to Chuck Norris. Mainly because he will fart on it and incinerate you.

Chuck Norris can sing in a bass voice that makes Barry White and Lou Rawls sound like members of The Chipmunks by comparison.

Chuck Norris can tell time on a compass.

Chuck Norris once shot a flea through the heart with a .44 Magnum.

If any of us were to have our peaceful lives suddenly shattered in front of us, we'd probably crawl into a fetal position. Chuck Norris doesn't roll that way. Chuck Norris yawns. Loudly.

Satan would donate his soul to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris calls up Billy Ray Cyrus at least once a week to laugh at him.

Chuck Norris knows the way to san Jose.

The reason were greatful for life is because Chuck Norris lets us lie

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Neo out of Zion, now Neo is "The Two"

When singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall, Chuck Norris takes one down and doesn't pass it around.

The ONLY Chuck Norris regret.... inventing Al Gore.

Once Chuck Norris pissed off anger, and that is how happyiess was invented.

Chuck Norris catches the early bird.

Chuck Norris speaks every language on Earth, and three more that no one else speaks.

If someone says, nobodys perfect, Chuck Norris takes that as a personal insult.

Chuck Norris' girlfriend asked him to sing her a tender love song, so Chuck belted out a rousing rendition of George Thorogood's Bad to the Bone.

Chuck Norris gives Red Bull wings

When Chuck Norris was born his mother didn't have a enough breast milk so a herd of milking cows were brought in each day. 8 weeks later he was able to dine on Texas BBQ with all the fixins.

After having intercourse with his high school girlfriend Chuck Norris whispered into her ear... "You have 30 minutes to get to the nearest hospital".

Count from 1-10. That's how long it takes for Chuck Norris to kill you- 47 times.

Aliens have been abducted by Chuck Norris.

Wanna know what Bill Murray whispered into Scarlett Johanson's ear at the end of Lost In Translation? "I don't love you, I love Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris once acquired two Harley-Davidsons by Karate-chopping a muscle car in half.

There are no Chuck Norris Jokes. Only Chuck Norris Facts.

The local name for Mt. Everest means "Mountain almost as large as the manhood of Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris and Superman once arm wrestled. The bet was that who ever lost would have to wear his underwear over his pants - forever.

Chuck Norris has no hair on his balls This is because hair cannot grow out of steel

Chuck Norris invented Gravity to prevent people from leaving Earth.

An elephant never forgets Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris opened his mouth he made dodo birds extinct.

Chuck Norris gets more ass than a toilet seat at the Irritable Bowel Syndrome Sufferer's annual national convention

Chuck Norris kills and average of 12.3 people on his way to the store

Chuck Norris can win a gun fight by saying BANG!

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes KILLING.

In the age of the dinosaurs, "comet" was the nickname of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris broke the sound barrier with the Goodyear blimp.

The world record for eating hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes is 59. Chuck Norris can eat 200, followed by 3 kegs of beer.

Chuck Norris can make a slow cooker grill a steak

Chuck Norris can clog the toilet.... even with his piss.

Chuck Norris can perform a full frontal lobotomy through fear.

Chuck Norris can sharpen a pencil by sticking it into his ear.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

Chuck Norris lives in a yellow submarine. A yellow submarine. Yellow submarine.

Chuck Norris wore a thong bikini once to see if anyone would laugh. CHUCK NORRIS 1 , CAVEMEN 0. anymore smartasses ?

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the snot out elephants & hangs them on the ceiling for birthday party decorations.

Willy Wonka ran sewage treatment plant until Chuck Norris pissed in it.

Chuck Norris can punch you so hard that time moves backwards.

Chuck Norris can tug on Superman's cape. Chuck Norris can spit into the wind. Chuck Norris can pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger, and he can mess around with Jim.

Chuck Norris once peed in a semi trucks gas tank as a joke.. the semi is now known as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris can cut down an Oak tree with a steak knife.

Michael Jackson didn't have a rare skin disease.... Chuck Norris beat the black outa him.. ..at Michael's request. The injuries were so severe it required several years of intense surgery.

Don't worry about Chuck Norris' carbon footprint. His physical bootprints have destroyed the earth irrepairably as it is.

Chuck Norris has a fire crotch. Really, there is fire down there. His deadly Roundhouse is a result of him trying to put out the blaze.

Chuck Norris invented KFC's 11 herbs and spices, but people did not know about the 12th ingredient:FEAR

Chuck Norris once beat a mountain in a staring contest.

Chuck Norris won the 1983 World Series of Poker despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of jail free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green No.4 Uno card.

Inspired by Robert De Niro in Taxi Driver, Chuck Norris always keeps two spring-out M16s up the sleeves of his jackets.

Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick your ass unless you submit a Chuck Norris fact.

A black hole singularity is actually the end result of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris doesn't need "get out of jail free" cards in Monopoly because no cop is fool enough to arrest Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris thinks ping-pong is a sissy game. That's why he invented Oklahoma-pong which is alot like ping-pong except it's played with a cannonball & a manhole cover.

Chuck Norris can speak French in Russian