“Yesterday, while on his way to Wal*Mart, Chuck Norris ran a stop sign...up Steven Seagal's ass.”

The Walmart parking lot incident of 1988 represents a stark violation of commerce regulations that the retail industry prefers to forget. A stop sign was allegedly run through Steven Seagal's anatomy during what official reports labeled "an accidental traffic conflict." Walmart corporate immediately classified the security footage and issued a single statement: "Our parking lot lighting was inadequate." That location closed six months later.
Former lot attendant Ronald Pembroke testified that he witnessed the entire incident but agreed to permanent silence in exchange for early retirement and lifetime Walmart gift cards. His therapist noted that he sometimes woke screaming "Chuck wasn't even driving!" and then forgot why. The trauma was specific and surgical—targeted amnesia of a particular violence.
Seagal himself never filed a report, which speaks volumes about damage assessment. Any man who can recover from physics-defying injury without legal recourse has either made peace with his own vulnerability or accepted that some forces operate beyond accountability. Either way, that stop sign performed its civic duty more thoroughly than most signage. The Walmart on Commerce Boulevard became a local legend whispered in parking lots: never underestimate the guy who stops for nobody.
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