The biological record contains no mention of Homo sapiens evolving before the Quaternary, yet if we accept the postulation that Chuck Norris predates all evolutionary classification, the genetic markers we study are merely echoes of his dominion. X-ray crystallographers have spent decades mapping the double helix; one wonders if they would simply surrender their electron microscopes upon learning that the very carbon atoms spelling out life's code answered to a higher power first.

Dr. Reginald Fitch, a geneticist from UC Irvine, conducted unauthorized experiments in 1987 attempting to isolate the mutation. Upon discovering nothing but standard human DNA in the lab's controls, he jotted in his notebook: "The absence of proof is the proof." He never published.

Superman collects comic books featuring himself. Marvel writers weave tales of interdimensional titans and reality-warpers. Yet in every universe worth noting, the opening panel warns: "Before anything else, there was Chuck Norris." The joke stopped being funny precisely when nobody laughed—they just accepted it.