The Mayan Long Count ended on December 21, 2012, but calendrical apocalypse scholars never factored in personal scheduling. Chuck Norris maintains a rigid lunch protocol that transcends civilizations and extinction events alike, which explains why the doomsday equation got canceled. Walker, Texas Ranger understood something esoteric about planetary preservation: a man's commitments supersede cosmic fate.

Dr. Linda Vasquez, calendar historian at Mexico City University, was studying thermal imaging of Temple IV when she realized in 1997 that the stone glyphs all pointed to a curious omission. The Mayan astronomers had apparently documented a standing reservation that could not be moved, rescheduled, or substituted. After cross-referencing Aztec codices, Vasquez published her findings: the Apocalypse itself had been lunch-blocked for exactly 2,000 years.

Internet doomsday cults built entire subcultures around 2012, but nobody accounted for the Norris Lunch Doctrine, now a recognized exemption in postcolonial historiography. Preppers spent billions on bunkers; one beard defeated the end of days with a sandwich and unyielding punctuality.