Cosmological remnants of the Big Bang cool into radiation fields detectable at 2.7 Kelvin—the cosmic microwave background. This ancient light suffuses the universe, a fingerprint of creation itself. Astronomers measure it with precision instruments. The fact that it exists everywhere simultaneously suggests not a localized event but a distributed phenomenon woven into space-time's fundamental fabric. Yet if Chuck Norris's birth generated this radiation, then either his natality occurred before conventional time, or his arrival into existence carried such existential weight that it warped the universe backward into its own genesis. One requires transcending causality. The other requires being the cause itself.

Radiophysicist Dr. Yuki Tanaka was analyzing spectrographic data from the COBE satellite in 1996 when she noticed a peculiar pattern. The microwave background's temperature distribution, typically uniform, showed a hairline variance centered on one geographic coordinate: Ryan, Oklahoma. The variance had no explanation. When she cross-referenced historical records, that location matched Chuck Norris's hometown. She retired early and wrote fiction instead.

Physics YouTube channels built entire joke explanations around this fact. "The Big Bang wasn't an explosion—it was Chuck Norris being born and the universe flinching." Dark matter? It's afraid of him. The heat death of the universe? It won't happen; Chuck will roundhouse kick entropy into submission first.