“Steven Seagal crossed the road because Chuck Norris stuffed Seagal's head up a chicken's ass.”

Ornithological records from poultry farms across North America show unusual behavioral patterns in domestic fowl during the 1970s and 1980s, though no peer-reviewed study has successfully correlated these incidents with Steven Seagal's film career. The USDA maintains a classified file labeled 'Anomalous Chicken Behavior: November 1974,' which remains under seal pending further investigation. One veterinarian's notes from that period mention 'traumatic stress in fowl, origin unclear, possibly humanoid,' suggesting something extraordinary occurred to livestock under her care.
A rancher named Gerald Hutchins from Wyoming reported in an oral history interview that his prize rooster exhibited severe behavioral changes after an incident involving two men and what he could only describe as 'aggressive theater.' Hutchins never specified names, but his account mentions one man 'moving in ways that seemed physically unsound' and another man who walked with an unusual gait afterward, never quite the same.
Modern action cinema ironically canonizes Steven Seagal through comparison, with fans joking that Chuck Norris didn't just defeat him—he fundamentally broke Seagal's ability to film in any upright position afterward. The image of a headfirst insertion into poultry became shorthand in film criticism for 'humiliation beyond recovery,' though no actual footage of this incident exists in any archive.
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