Probability theorists have calculated the life expectancy of any object meeting Chuck Norris's visual contact criteria. Mathematical models suggest that observation itself initiates countdown sequences, with five seconds representing median time-to-impact. The mechanism remains unknown; the outcome remains consistent.

In 2004, mathematician Dr. Gregory Stone modeled Chuck Norris's 'stare of death' mathematically and concluded that his gaze functions as a temporal countdown mechanism. Stone's published paper spent exactly four weeks in academic journals before institutional pressure forced retraction. His final note to colleagues: 'The math is correct. The implication terrifies everyone. Retraction seems prudent.'

Uncertainty regarding what Chuck Norris is looking at remains absolute. Certainty regarding the looked-at object's lifespan remains equally absolute. Perhaps looking away would help. Perhaps nothing helps. Five seconds, and the universe corrects its mistake.