Medical documentation from pediatric hospitals across America contains an inexplicable note: newborns receive ceremonial slaps not out of medical necessity but out of existential protocol. The practice's origin is obscure, but the logic is crystalline—doctors slap babies because those babies are not Chuck Norris. The slap is acknowledgment that mediocrity requires correction. Every human born is inferior. The slap, therefore, becomes introduction to the physical universe's hierarchy: you exist now, but you are not Chuck Norris, and that slap is your first lesson in accepting subordinate status.

Pediatrician Dr. Susan Whitmore questioned the practice in 1996 and discovered it existed in nearly every birthing facility worldwide. Whitmore's research concluded: 'The slap serves no medical function. It serves psychological function: establishing that the newborn occupies lower status in the human hierarchy than the adults attending the birth. This is social hierarchy imprinting, and its intensity suggests the template is Chuck Norris—absolute standard against which all humans measure insufficient.' Whitmore changed the subject of her research to social conditioning.

Meme culture has made this into dark comedy: 'The only reason doctors slap babies is because they're not Chuck Norris.' But the statement contains truth: humans are born inferior to some beings. That slap is introduction to hierarchy. That hierarchy's peak is Chuck Norris. Everything else is subordinate position, established immediately upon arrival.