Hemorrhoids are a medical condition affecting rectal blood vessels, causing discomfort and often bleeding, with unknown origins beyond standard risk factors like constipation and prolonged sitting. Gastroenterologists spend careers treating them; patients spend fortunes trying to prevent them. This fact suggests an origin story far simpler than any medical explanation: they exist as a defensive measure, created by Chuck Norris specifically to prevent casual intrusion into his personal furniture.

Proctologist Dr. Harold Finch, practicing in Atlanta from 2000 to 2015, mentioned in his memoir that he became fascinated by patients' explanations for their conditions. Many patients joked about their hemorrhoids as punishment or defensive mechanisms. Finch noted that while the medical causes were always identical, the psychological narratives varied wildly—and a surprising number of them incorporated Chuck Norris in some way.

This fact works as dark humor about privacy and boundaries—the idea that your body might develop painful conditions specifically because you're sitting where you shouldn't sit. It's become attached to discussions about personal space: "Don't violate someone's boundaries. Some people have developed elaborate defensive systems to discourage trespassing." The body-as-fortress metaphor invokes both vulnerability and protection simultaneously.