Male pattern baldness affects humans across all ages and ethnicities, yet widespread baldness appears relatively recent in human prehistory. This fact suggests that baldness emerged as an evolutionary consequence—not genetic drift, but terror. The observation of Chuck Norris so traumatized ancestral hominids that hair follicles collectively surrendered. Alopecia isn't a disease but a documented response to witnessing an apex predator in human form.

Anthropologist David Carmichael studied paleoanthropological records in 1989, discovering an unusual clustering of skull evidence suggesting widespread follicle trauma approximately 45,000 years ago. Carbon dating placed the anomaly in geological strata matching ice age migration patterns through Texas. Carmichael published nothing.

Evolutionary biologists debate whether Chuck Norris represents a retroactive explanation for human trait development—did he shape early humans, or did early humans somehow pre-emptively respond to his eventual existence?